


I Remember

by juuuke



Category: B.A.P
Genre: A shit ton of angst with a bit of fluff glittered here and there, Angst, Character Death, Implied Sexual Content (Chapter 6 Only - First Couple Paragraphs), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Infidelity, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Profanity, Romance, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-11-16 22:25:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 58,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11262258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juuuke/pseuds/juuuke
Summary: When someone from Daehyun's past enters his present, it brings back so much more than just memories. Daehyun struggles to keep from falling apart, Jongup desperately trying to pick up the pieces. Meanwhile, Yongguk has his own battles to face, his secret almost revealed to his former enemy, until he can no longer hide it from anyone.





	1. Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Italics are flashbacks.

Shrouded rays pierce through parted drapes, painting the walls a stifled sort of grey. A miffed groan lifts heavily beneath layers of blankets and unkempt clothes – most of which are not certifiably clean – as the last remnants of slumber are aptly snatched with a hurried bark from downstairs.

Daehyun buries his face deep into his pillow, anticipating the unwelcome footsteps fast approaching until there it is, the jiggle of the loose door handle that undoubtedly precedes a flurry of “we’re gonna be late,” and mumblings of the like.

“Mmm,” is all Daehyun manages, which is more of a brush-off than a direct reply, but it seems to suffice as Jongup shuffles back out of the room with one last plea, “Please be ready in five minutes.”

\- - - 

“Why do I have to go with you?” Daehyun whines. He was never one to wake up before ten, save for the occasional bathroom run, unless he really had to. One arm folds into the other habitually across his chest, his head tilting uncomfortably against the strap of the seatbelt which seems to dig exceptionally deep into his neck today.

Jongup grins just a bit. It’s amusing at times – how Daehyun ticks – and over the years Jongup has come to appreciate the little quirks Daehyun has to offer, however arduous they are.

“Cause if I get lost, at least I won’t be alone.”

With a roll of his eyes, Daehyun watches as buildings blur against the overcast sky into a mess of slate. Alas the concrete labyrinth that passes itself off as an airport comes into view. Six U-turns and countless complaints later, they arrive at what is, for Jongup’s sake, the correct gate. He hops out, skimming faces as they pass. Daehyun props his elbow against the door to rest his chin atop as a rather chipper Jongup motions for him to follow and with an exaggerated sigh and a slam of the door, Daehyun drags himself over to Jongup, digging his hands deep into the pockets of his ripped jeans. Daehyun looks around. It’s all so hectic. Horns blare, suitcases drag, people maneuver amongst each other. It only feeds his growing agitation, so much so that he almost misses Jongup calling out to someone.

A blonde figure weaves through the crowd, wide grin spreading across his face as he reaches the duo, suitcase scraping the pavement as it’s pulled to a stop next to him. Jongup nudges Daehyun, prompting his attention and he pivots reluctantly, hands still planted deep in either pocket.

It’s not until his eyes lift that everything stops. Their gazes crash and neither is ready.

Daehyun’s heart is first to react, hammers unbearably to the beat of rusted cadences. Hordes of butterflies flitter through constrained flaps, battering against his ribcage. His skin prickles and his palms begin to sweat. Everything around fades to black, nothing but his own heartbeat echoes painfully loud in his ears. A pang resonates down to his core and it takes another nudge from Jongup to bring him back to life. Daehyun jolts to the side, his expression betraying him, though he does nothing to hide it. He glances over to Jongup and lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. It takes a moment for everything to register before he realizes Jongup has asked something so he opens his mouth to inquire, unaware of how tight his throat has constricted and chokes back a knot.

Jongup shifts a little in place; unsure of what ever it is exactly that is happening right now. He has never seen Daehyun so flustered and it catches him off guard as he ponders how to react, but before he comes up with any resolve, Daehyun’s voice cracks into the air, “What?” The question wavers and disappointment finds its way to Daehyun’s face as Jongup adjusts his stance again.

“I asked if you two knew each other.”

Daehyun swallows hard and his head drops ever so slightly, eyes angling to the left. His speech is soft, but the bite in his tone is evident, “No.”

Jongup looks to his cousin for confirmation, tension engulfing the three awkwardly situated some few feet from his car. Yongguk keeps his eyes fixated on Daehyun as if the younger will cease to exist if he does otherwise. Yongguk’s face is smeared with shock, but he shakes his head once to appease Jongup’s confusion. Jongup glances once more at Daehyun before reaching for his cousin’s suitcase and hesitantly walks toward the trunk.

Yongguk’s brow twitches and he opens his mouth to speak, not sure of what to say or how to say it, but he needs to say something, something that will lessen the tension keeping them both at bay, something that will keep Daehyun here, keep him from leaving. But just as his voice finds the courage to crawl up the anxious walls lining his throat, Daehyun is walking away and there’s a part of Yongguk that wants to reach out and latch onto that wrist and never let go, but he doesn’t. Instead, he watches in silence as the younger disappears behind the too dark tint of the car door, his eyes scaling the outline of the shadow beyond the glass because that’s all that’s left tangible.

“Hyung.”

Yongguk peels his stare from the window as Jongup opens the back door and he trudges over, taking in a deep breath. He can hear Jongup reprimanding Daehyun for not giving their guest the front seat as he climbs into the back, but an argument is the last thing he wants so he reassures his cousin that it’s alright and he guesses that it works because their voices muffle with the engine. He fumbles with his earphones, tucking them snugly into either ear and lets smooth melodies wash over him. Beat after beat, dripping down into his soul, everything calming for a moment. A soft exhale leaves his lips, his eyes slowly creeping to the seat in front, resting on the tuft of hair peeking above the headrest. He nibbles at his bottom lip before dropping his gaze to the tattered edge of his phone case, deciding that it’s much safer to not look.

\- - - 

“Thanks, Uppie. Sorry again that it was such short notice.”

Jongup shakes his head, dragging the last of Yongguk’s belongings into the room. “Nah, man. It’s cool,” and with that he smiles, clicking the door gently shut behind him.  

Yongguk scans the area. White walled borders barreling into emptiness. A daft chuckle slips under his breath, broken lines accenting his smile, twists into something befitting a frown. The vacuity staring him straight in the face only ensues the mockery of everything he has done thus far and he chuckles once more at the bleakness of it all. A quick glance at his suitcase renders a sigh and he drops onto the bed, resting a hand flat across his abdomen. He closes his eyes, letting the fresh sheets curl between his toes.

The last few days have been so chaotic and all he wants is for everything to just pause for a moment. His breathing falls into tempered rhythms, his body feigning against the weariness gnawing away.

-

Through squinted eyes, Yongguk searches the walls for a clock and falls back onto the pillow when he realizes that he has slept the entire day away and sighs softly to himself. Footsteps patter down the hall and Yongguk can hear the door of the neighboring room shut. Then he remembers that just beyond these walls is the reason that he’s here. Jung Dae Hyun.

The tiniest itch manifests in the pit of his stomach, sparks a fire that rips its own course, blazing through each crevice. Suddenly the sheets become uncomfortably rough so he flips on to his side, then on to the other until he’s left with no other option than to get up and its then that he notices how oppressively hot it is and that a thin layer of sweat seems to have caked over his skin. He tugs at the collar of his shirt in an attempt to soothe the restlessness within, but he can’t. He’s stuck and he doesn’t know what to do.

Gradually he lowers himself to the floor and leans against the side of the bed. Daehyun’s face creeps into his head, but there are no folds kissing either cheek and his eyes aren’t compressed with the smile he knows so well. Daehyun’s face is smothered in shock and a little in horror and Yongguk feels the itch sink deeper and deeper until he’s hunching with knees propped close, clutching onto the denim covering them. Yongguk squeezes his eyes shut, wrinkling the bridge of his nose, trying to shake the image away, but it only gets brighter. He can see the details, see the pain and he wants to look away. Though, just as he’s about to escape to black, he sees a glint in Daehyun’s eyes. There isn’t a trace of loathing in it. No. It’s nice and soft and hopeful.

Yongguk’s brows loosen the longer he stares, but he knows the moment is fleeting. So he looks intently into Daehyun’s eyes just to be sure and although it’s hard to tell, the glint is there, even if just for a second and he wonders why he didn’t notice it the first time.

\- - - 

Silence blankets the entire room. Daehyun is on the floor, situated between corners – back against one, head on the other. His gaze is directed at the opposing wall though there’s nothing particular he’s looking at. He’s been sitting this way for an hour maybe two and his legs, spread straight in front of him have fallen asleep and his neck is straining to remain put, but he doesn’t want to move because he’s sure that he’d crumble if he did.

It’s taking every ounce within to not let his thoughts engulf him. Questions whirl around, banging against his skull and there’s something bubbling in his core. It’s scraping under his skin, boiling over until he can no longer sit still, forcing him upright and he contracts, wincing from the grip freezing his neck. Blood begins rushing through once taut legs and Daehyun topples over, needles pricking at his limbs. Patiently he waits for his body to recover, though it seems reluctant to forgive him so quickly. Little by little, he lifts himself from the floor and takes a few steps before stopping.

His room is bathed in a husky orange – thick and rich – and he looks out the window to a silhouette of buildings beyond the pane. The sun is saying farewell faster than he’d like, lowering itself to sleep and Daehyun tiptoes just a bit, craning his neck to savor the final rays and he forgets about the bubbling and the scraping and when his body can no longer stretch with the passing light, he rolls back on his heels, stare still intent on the geometric horizon.

“Dinner’s ready.” He hears a voice crack the silence.

Daehyun breaks away from the window and turns to Jongup who has the door open just enough to poke his head through. He walks over and Jongup pushes it open further, stepping back as Daehyun passes without a response, not that Jongup was expecting one.

Yongguk hears footsteps trotting down the stairs and looks up from his plate, uneasy about whom they belong to. His eyes lock with Daehyun’s as he rounds the corner, but Daehyun is quick to avert his gaze. Yongguk watches him shuffle around the kitchen, cleverly maneuvering about, always conscious of the space between them.

Jongup picks up his own plate and it’s not long before he takes notice of Yongguk’s expression as Daehyun flees to the safety of the couch. Jongup joins his cousin at the table and glances once more in Daehyun’s direction.

“Dae.”

Daehyun twists to face him with a mouthful of meat.

“I never introduced you two. This is Yongguk. Hyung, that’s Daehyun.”

Daehyun’s eyes shift a little to the left where a nervous smile is waiting, but to Yongguk’s dismay, the younger simply turns his attention back to the screen. Jongup sees Yongguk’s smile drop and he can’t help but feel a bit taken aback because he’s never seen Daehyun so apathetic before. He leans forward in an attempt to salvage the situation and pats Yongguk’s arm. “Don’t take it personally. Dae is, uh, kind of hard to get along with.”

Yongguk nods, appreciating the effort, though it does nothing to keep him from drowning in a mess of his own making. You have no idea, he thinks, picking at his food.

\- - - 

A few days pass; all comprised of awkward passes in the hall, silent meals and seldom eye contact. Yongguk is quickly growing tired of it.

\- - - 

It’s calm outside. Daehyun is sitting on the swing-bench out front, book situated snugly between his fingers. The door creaks open, but he pays it no mind. It’s when the bench subtly rocks that his gaze climbs above the page’s edge and acrimony scorches lines under his eyes that have been carved long ago. He gets up, leaving the book behind. Yongguk clasps onto his wrist as he passes and Daehyun stumbles back a few steps, eyes blazing with repugnance as he regains his footing. He snaps his hand away, scowling as he rushes to go back inside. Yongguk’s voice trails after him, “Daehyun.” But Daehyun is already long gone and Yongguk is left, sinking into the bench, sighing into the night sky.

Daehyun stomps to his room, slamming the door before sliding down its length.

“Who does he think he is?” he fumes to himself, kicking the desk chair with more force than intended. It flies across the room and into the dresser where one of the frames knocks onto the floor, glass shattering. He gasps at the sound more than anything and crawls over to pick it up. He examines the photo, eyes focusing on one boy in particular, arm wound tight around Daehyun’s waist with a smile wide enough for the world to see.

Memories come flooding back. Memories that he had so desperately clung onto, that he had so desperately tried to forget, that he so desperately could not forget.

_It is a quiet night. Two boys sit in the grass hand in hand; the younger talks about nothing important, but the elder listens intently as if it is. He observes the younger one, the way he talks, the way the moonlight hits him, the way his nose crinkles when he smiles too wide._

_A swift breeze hushes the boy and he shudders, compressing his body in defense to the cold. The elder chuckles and pulls him between his legs, wrapping protective arms around his shoulders._

_The younger relaxes in his embrace, warm and secure, and rests his head against his collarbone, listening to the gentle rhythm of his love's heart. The elder places a soft kiss on the top of the other's head, rubs small circles across his arm. The younger can’t help the smile tugging at his lips and nestles his face into the elder's neck. Softly he whispers words he had been waiting too long to say._ _“I love you, Yongguk.”_

Tears brim over Daehyun’s eyes as he clutches the photo tightly. He shakes his head hoping that it all will vanish, but he can still hear his own voice echoing.  _I love you._ Frustration breaks into the air and Daehyun finds no words spewing out, just howls and it won’t stop. He’s alone and no matter how hard he presses the photo against his chest, it does nothing to mitigate the void sucking away at what ever is left. But there’s not much left. He’s broken and up until now he’s been able to hold himself together, slowly picking up the pieces he’s left behind along the way. Softly he weeps, cracking at the seams.

\- - - 

Crickets hum numb into the night, creak of the door vague in the distance.

“Hyung,” Jongup’s voice is soft. He waits a moment when the elder lifts his head. “Do you and Daehyun know each other? Is there something you're not telling me?” 

Yongguk taps his fingers uneasily across his thigh. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it just seems like maybe you two know each other. 'Cause Daehyun's always a grump, but ever since you came he's been kind of off," he pauses, "He's always avoiding you and you guys hardly talk. You two _do_ know each other, don't you? Is there something I should know?”

Yongguk’s tongue twists to the side. He’s been expecting this question for a while and there’s not much he can do to avoid it now, so he clears his throat. “Once upon a time, there were two boys who were the best of friends. But one day the older one broke the younger one’s toy and he cried. Then they weren’t friends anymore. The end.”

A crinkle forms between Jongup’s brows. “Wait, so you broke Daehyun’s toy? And that’s why he’s mad at you?” He waits for the elder to nod before proceeding, “But it was just a toy. And it was a long time ago. I don't get it.”

Yongguk pats Jongup’s arm and elaborates, “Some toys are more precious than others,” his voice tapers a bit though Jongup doesn’t notice, “You can’t play with them.”

A long pause follows, stale and uncomfortable. Jongup looks out to the lawn long and hard before turning back to Yongguk, but the other is already on his feet. “Don’t worry, Jongupie, it’s not a big deal. I can handle it. Just go to sleep, okay?”

Jongup tilts his head in hesitation, but complies and heads inside. Yongguk sighs as he follows him in, parting ways at the staircase. He doesn’t want to lie to Jongup and technically he isn’t, but somehow there’s a flicker boring into him that he can’t ignore. He wants to tell Jongup everything. Yet he can’t because he’s afraid and the part weighing down on him so painfully now is that he doesn't know of what.

He nears the door to his room where a faint whimpering travels from not too far and Yongguk ponders whether to ignore it or not, the latter getting the best of him. Little by little he tiptoes closer until he’s pressed up against the door to his left. Slowly he twists the knob open. “Dae?”

Daehyun turns abruptly, cheeks doused in tears. Yongguk takes a concerned step past the threshold. “Are you okay?” Daehyun is caught, ashamed and terrified, and throws the picture frame at Yongguk. “Get out!”

The frame cracks against the door as its pulled shut, Yongguk on the other side, incoherent. He stands there, unwilling to move, though he’s sure he couldn’t even if he wanted to. The last time he saw Daehyun cry was

A shrill yelp barks from the other side of the door, commanding Yongguk’s attention and this time he doesn’t hesitate to throw the door open. Daehyun is exactly where he was just a moment ago, only this time he’s grasping one hand in the other, too distracted to bother with the intruder. Yongguk is fast at his side, kneeling terribly close, and takes the younger’s hand into his own. Daehyun hiccups over a breath or two before his breathing calms enough for him to jerk back from Yongguk’s grip, but the elder is clasping onto his wrist too tight for him to break free, knowing that Daehyun wouldn’t succumb willingly. He shoots a stern look to the younger, the only light shooting from the window casts a shadow that capes Daehyun into submission and he looks away in spite. There’s a gash running along the length of Daehyun’s pinky finger, blood dripping upon the culprit. Yongguk examines their surroundings. On the wooden floor there is a mess of shattered glass and a photo all too familiar laying crumpled just to Daehyun’s left. Yongguk’s eyes dart to the door whereupon a frame, slightly beaten, is off to the side – he assumes the object that Daehyun had thrown at him just a minute prior – and slowly turns back to the younger, seeking answers beyond glassy orbs.

Daehyun looks down. He wants Yongguk to leave. He doesn’t want his help. He just wants to be alone because that’s all he knows how to do. He wants to be alone so he can cry and bleed in the comfort of his own solitude, but Yongguk isn’t leaving. He’s not receiving Daehyun’s silent cries. Instead, he’s bending over further to meet Daehyun’s gaze, but Daehyun’s eyes are blurring with another wave of tears he didn’t know was forming and before he can twist to hide away in shame, Yongguk is cupping the nape of his neck and pressing his cheek into his shoulder and there’s a hand that releases his own and slides up the small of his back. There’s a shiver that tickles up Daehyun’s spine and for a second he closes his eyes, letting his world fall onto someone else’s shoulders. His body slumps as he relaxes into the other. It’s warm; calming heat emanating, drawing Daehyun in. Yongguk forms shapes with the side of his thumb, subtle and undefined along Daehyun’s hairline, cooing softly into the shell of his ear. He feels Daehyun loosen a bit, his breathing breaking into mild huffs. Hesitantly, he presses his cheek ever so slightly into Daehyun’s. It’s been too long since he’s had the privilege of holding someone and for a moment he forgets about everything else. Daehyun’s chest settles, rising into smoother motions. His own arm is lifting slowly, fingertips grazing the elder’s forearm, skin softer than he expected. Yongguk’s eyes widen at the contact, finally aware of what he is doing and before Daehyun has the chance to come to the same realization, he pulls back.

Daehyun takes in a deep breath and just as briefly as it all happened, the warmth is gone. His eyes peel open and it takes a few blinks for his vision to clear, focusing on Yongguk walking away. His head falls limply, chin nearing his chest as another drop falls to the floor. Slowly he inhales. He wants to cry because for a moment he felt at home. It was the first time in a long time that he let his guard down. Slowly he exhales. He wants to cry because for a moment everything was okay. But that’s just it, it was just a moment. 

Daehyun remains still, disappointed in himself for being so vulnerable and for believing that even if just for a second, Yongguk - a shell of a man - was capable of caring for anyone other than himself. Daehyun feels the anger, the pent up loathing brewing from deep within and as his fingers wind into a flustered fist, footsteps trickle into the room. Yongguk is back at his side, antiseptic and cotton swabs in hand. He reaches for Daehyun’s balled fist, gently prying his fingers apart and this time Daehyun doesn’t fight.

“Why are you clenching your fist?” Yongguk asks softly, voice tender. It doesn’t suit him, Daehyun thinks. Nonetheless, he lets the elder tend to his wound, though he doesn’t answer. He finds no reason to. He just stares as Yongguk continues, his former rage simmering to a fizzle. Yongguk came back.

By the time Daehyun is able to look away, Yongguk is done bandaging his digit and has disposed of the shards on the floor. Daehyun still has yet to say anything, but Yongguk knows enough to expect nothing more than silence. He gathers everything and before closing the door, turns back to Daehyun. “Good night.”

Once again, everything is quiet, maybe quieter than before and Daehyun glances at the redness soaking through the bandage. He recalls Yongguk saying that the cut isn’t deep enough to require stitches, or maybe it was the opposite, but right now it doesn’t really matter to Daehyun. Nothing does.

\- - - 

Yongguk awakens to his walls vibrating with a beat apropos for the morning. He grins as he stumbles out of bed, fussing with his hair that’s been in desperate need of a cut for a while. He opens the door and is greeted with the song blaring tenfold and a tired laugh leaves his lips as he makes his way to the bathroom.

Shortly after, he descends the stairs to find Jongup in the living room, shaking his pelvic region in what Yongguk assumes to be dance-like movements. Along the wall, there’s a stranger laughing quite animatedly with arms flapping about. It seems that he finds this ‘free-styling' entertaining as well. Yongguk shakes his head in amusement and walks over.

“Jongupie!” His voice fades into the music. “Jongupie!” 

Jongup rushes to pause the song and jogs over to his cousin. “Hi, hyung.”

Yongguk smiles and tilts his head toward the stranger. Jongup follows his notion, “Oh!” He extends an arm in his friend’s direction, “Hyung, this is Youngjae. Youngjae, Yongguk.” The two exchange greetings by means of awkward chin lifts. Yongguk glances at the laptop on the table before asking, “Didn’t mean to interrupt, but what are you doing?”

“Dancing.” Jongup smiles, bouncing his shoulders a bit. Yongguk smirks, “I can see that. I meant why?”

“Cause we love to dance. Come on, you too,” Jongup says a little too enthusiastically and pulls Yongguk to the center of the room before resuming the music painfully loud. With the addition of a stranger to the room, Youngjae opts out of this dance session leaving Yongguk to inch away from a shimmying Jongup.

“Turn that stupid shit off!” a voice explodes from above.

Jongup dashes to the laptop practically slamming it shut as an annoyed Daehyun makes his way down the stairs and into the kitchen without even a glance. Nothing is said until Daehyun is back in his room. Jongup shoots an apologetic look to Youngjae who shrugs. “I’m used to it.” Yongguk rakes tired fingers over the back of his head, thinking of a way to lighten the mood. “Let’s get out of here.”

-

“More please.” Jongup flags down a waiter. Yongguk laughs in slight shame. One would think these two haven’t eaten in days. He picks at his food, not particularly hungry himself.

“Jongupie, is Daehyun always like that?” Yongguk asks.

Jongup shoves another rice cake into his mouth and nods. “Mos o tim hs lik tat. Ish prilly bat,” he manages to choke out through bits of chewed up chunks.

“What?”

Jongup swallows, “Most of the time he’s like that. It’s pretty bad.”

“Then how did you become roommates?”

Jongup reaches across the table, plopping a heavy spoonful of kimchi onto his plate. “He wasn’t always that way. I met him at my old job a few years ago and we became good friends. Then I found this place, it was a decent price but I couldn’t afford it without a roommate. He was my best friend so I asked him and yeah, here we are. Then one day he kind of just came home hating the world. It was a long time coming though. He went from talkative and always smiling to quiet and sad and then he broke up with his boyfriend. That was really a really ugly breakup. I don’t know exactly what happened. He never told me and I didn't ask.”

Yongguk stops poking around his plate, eyes anchor down. The food won’t talk, he knows, but it’s all he can bring himself to look at right now.

“You okay? Are you gonna eat that?” Jongup doesn’t wait for a response before transferring the food onto his own plate, though he waits to indulge because he catches Yongguk in the corner of his eye and it isn’t a sight he can bring himself to ignore. “Hyung?”

And when his questions go unanswered, Jongup puts his own fork down. Youngjae’s munching slows to a halt with the sudden change in atmosphere, eyes switching between the two opposite him.

“Hyung. Why are you asking anyway?” Jongup presses.

Finally Yongguk looks up from his plate, surprised to find two pairs of eyes glued to him. He smiles, picking up his chopsticks hoping the others will do the same. “Just curious.”

 


	2. Jelly Belly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I've received some feedback that the first chapter was a bit too long so I've opted to split it into two. So for those of you who have already read the initial one posted, please skip this and head on over to chapter 3, which will be up soon.

Read the note pleaseu ^^

* * *

 

Daehyun tosses a toy basketball at the mini hoop across his bed and watches it bounce off the wall onto the floor, sighing in annoyance. He swings his legs over the edge of the mattress and gets up to go downstairs. As he heads down the hall, he shoots a glance to the room on his left, curiosity picking away at the back of his skull. Slowly he makes his way over and peers in through the cracked open door. Yongguk’s belongings are strewn across the floor, not surprising in the least. Daehyun shakes his head in disappointment and just as he shifts to be on his way, something familiar gleams, tiny and faint, but enough to draw him back. Leaning in closer, he squints. A sleeve is covering half of it, but he’s sure that he recognizes it nonetheless. It’s the fact that Yongguk still has it that perplexes him.

“Dae, we’re home!”

Daehyun retracts immediately, heart about to leap from his chest. Quickly, he dashes back to his room and to the safety of his bed.

Jongup tosses his keys onto the surface of the island in the kitchen while Yongguk heads upstairs. His bedroom door gives a bit of a fight when he tries to open it, but it finally budges enough for him to squeeze through. He sighs as he takes in the amount of mess occupying what used to be the floor, a reluctant hand sweeps the back of his head.

The next thirty minutes are spent sorting through endless piles of clothes, a vast majority of which are in need of a good wash. After putting everything away, for the most part, he shuts the lid of the suitcase and oddly enough there’s a clank on the floor. His eyes skim the wooden surface, landing on a metal band by the closet. A wrinkle forms in his forehead as he crawls over to pick it up and brings it to his face. He rolls it between his index finger and thumb, observing how the light emphasizes the initials inscribed in the metal. He clutches it in his palm, thinking back to the day he got it.

_Yongguk pulls in front of the old white house just as he has done so many times before. He gives the horn a single honk and pulls the door’s handle open to round the car._

_Yongguk leans against the passenger’s door, casually crossing his arms, unable to help the smile that appears when Daehyun steps onto the pathway and strides smugly toward him. The younger gives Yongguk a quick scan, inconspicuously of course and bites the inside of his cheek to keep from beaming the closer he gets._

_Yongguk pulls the door open, nipping at Daehyun’s thigh as he gets in, a slight smirk on his face. Daehyun settles into the seat and shoots him a look, but grins because although not admittedly so, he enjoys his boyfriend’s occasional perversion._

_-_

_Daehyun follows the host; butterflies tickle his insides as they reach their table. Yongguk chuckles at his giddiness, pulling the chair out for the other before seating himself._

_“You look so handsome,” Daehyun gleams._

_Yongguk smirks and reaches a hand under the tablecloth to rest atop Daehyun’s knee, responding with, “You look sexy.”  Daehyun’s cheeks stain red as heads turn their way, shyly lowering his face and swats Yongguk’s hand from its resting spot.  “Stop.”_

_Yongguk straightens up and scoots closer to the table, watches the candle’s flame dance freely as does its shadow, dimly highlighting Daehyun’s face and this time he doesn’t smirk. He smiles.  Once again Daehyun’s cheeks flood red and he coyly turns away.  “Is there something on my face?”_

_At first Yongguk doesn’t answer, but he knows that if he stays silent, the younger will only grow uncomfortable.  “No,” he breathes._

_Daehyun lifts his gaze, melting with the dangerous combination of that husky voice and enchanting smile.  That smile that could bring him out of his darkest days, that could make everything else disappear. That smile that only Yongguk  could smile._

_Now, it is Daehyun who is doing the staring and there’s warmth within those eyes that Yongguk doesn’t miss, but he is never one to be overwhelmingly sentimental so he opts for a more suitable response – one that Daehyun is expecting though the alternative would have sufficed.  “What, now is there something on my face?”_

_Daehyun grins, knowing well that behind these jokes, Yongguk knows. He knows exactly what that warmth is because Daehyun can see it reflecting through Yongguk's eyes too._

_-_

_Hand in hand they stroll down the street. Daehyun focuses on the stars above, taking in what little he can against the bright lights of the city. Yongguk lets his arm sway whichever way Daehyun bids. He doesn’t mind.  He never minds. Not when people gawk or scoff. Not when he makes a fool of himself. Not when he’s afraid, though there’s rarely a time when he’ll admit it. When it comes to Daehyun, Yongguk doesn’t mind a thing._

_Daehyun lets their arms rest as he closes the gap between, placing a soft kiss on Yongguk’s cheek.  “Happy anniversary.”  Yongguk smiles, inches closer, changes course. He stretches his arms to the left then the right and finishes off with a back crack. An exaggerated yawn lifts into the night.  “Man, I'm tired.”_

_Daehyun rolls his eyes, half hiding a grin and jabs at Yongguk’s abdomen. Yongguk folds forward just the slightest, revealing half his teeth through a pained grin.  “I was just teasing.”_

_Still suppressing a smile, Daehyun lifts a brow in defiance. Yongguk fixes his posture and grips a fistful of cotton, pulling the younger into his chest, wrapping both arms to lock around his waist. Daehyun doesn’t give in until a kiss is planted gently on his forehead and words he can never hear enough are whispered. “I love you.”_

_There’s a pause that neither is quick to break, gazes lock. Then at last, Yongguk lowers his eyes to Daehyun’s lips. Slowly, he minimizes the space between them. Daehyun feels his heart spike with anticipation, Yongguk’s breath hot against his skin._

_Their lips meet and it’s not long before the kiss intensifies in a flurry of passion. Yongguk brushes his tongue across Daehyun’s bottom lip, the younger responding with a mewl that parts his lips and Yongguk takes the opportunity to slip inside, roaming familiar territory. Then Yongguk breaks away, sweeps a gentle thumb over Daehyun’s cheek. Daehyun flits his eyes open and as their stares do the talking for them, Yongguk takes a moment to stop and appreciate all that is Jung Daehyun. Such a buoyant character and yet there's a kick to him that Yongguk finds enticing, the feistiness that keeps things interesting. Daehyun has the ability to turn any situation into a fun affair and just as easily speaks to strangers as if they've known each other all along. It's a charm that Yongguk watches with pleasure, proudly presenting this prodigious being as his partner in life as others gravitate toward him naturally. It’s been three years since he’s committed himself to this man and it completely baffles him that Daehyun can still make him weak in the knees._

_Daehyun reaches into his pocket, pulls his hand back out and turns his fist over. A silver ring gleams in the moonlight, sitting in the center of his palm. Yongguk’s expression softens and before he has a chance to speak, Daehyun mumbles. “It’s not much, but I wanted to get something that would let you know what I can’t say.”_

_Yongguk takes it with careful fingers, holds it up to the light; etched somewhere along the band are their initials. Daehyun watches with worry, afraid the other doesn’t like it. Thankfully, Yongguk smiles while sliding it onto the ring finger of his left hand and glances back up to the other.  “It’s perfect.”_

_With a sigh of relief, Daehyun brightens. Yongguk cups the younger’s face gingerly between both hands, leaning in for another kiss.  “I love you.”_

\- - - 

Daehyun groans into his pillow, rolls off the bed, aggravation trailing behind him. Fighting the grogginess, he manages his way down to the kitchen and while rubbing his eyes awake, a growl lets out into the open. “How many times do I have to tell you to turn that stupid shit-” He cuts short, rounding the corner to find his fury mistakenly aimed at someone else. Yongguk pauses the song, looks uneasily in Daehyun’s direction. “Sorry, I didn’t know anyone was home. Jongup said you were gonna be out.”

Daehyun bites the inside of his cheek and backs away without a word.

“Dae,” Yongguk utters.

Daehyun stops. The quiver at the end of the way Yongguk says his name almost compels him to turn back around and for a second he finds a mean to justify doing so, but he shakes the thought away and continues up the stairs. Yongguk leans back in defeat, but not altogether lost. The hesitation in Daehyun’s steps as he walks away doesn’t go unnoticed. Yongguk sees a fracture in Daehyun’s shell and however tiny it may be, it’s the only chance he’s got. Yet it isn’t an easy feat to keep trying at something that seems to be going nowhere. The constant rejection is flustering and he isn’t sure how much more he can withstand, but then he thinks about why Daehyun is so insolent and why he tolerated it thus far and sighs, crippled to do otherwise.

The music resumes at a much softer volume just as Daehyun makes it back into his room. He shuts the door with unnecessary force and draws the curtains roughly, darkening the room to a tolerable shade before crawling back under the sheets. The clock ticks through the silence and Daehyun fusses to find an adequate position, but his bed is providing no consolation for his growing irritation so he rises. After rummaging through his dresser and slipping into fresh clothes, he peeks down the hall and when all seems right, he creeps along the wall until he reaches the stairs. Carefully, he descends.

As if on cue, Yongguk appears from the kitchen and is thankfully preoccupied with his phone. Daehyun scrambles to rush back up and spins around hastily only to hit the tiered surface with a loud thud. He bites his tongue to keep from yelping; footsteps approach quickly and it’s not long before a hand comes to rest on his shoulder.

“Dae, are you okay?"

When a soft nudge from that same hand prods against his arm, he finally looks up. Yongguk’s face is full of concern and Daehyun can’t help but soften under his gaze. Yongguk repeats his question, bringing Daehyun from his momentary placidity and he lurches away from Yongguk’s hand, pressing his rib further into the corner of the stair, educing a pained moan causing him to involuntarily lean back toward Yongguk who only becomes more concerned. “Are you alright? Did you break something?”

Daehyun brushes him away with a wave of his hand and Yongguk backs up a bit, giving him room to stand. Daehyun straightens out his shirt, clears his throat and pushes past him, pride barely intact. Yongguk watches as Daehyun walks away, almost slipping again on the last step before making it out the door. He shakes his head, feeling a tad guilty for wanting to laugh at the younger’s stubbornness.

-

Daehyun rubs frustrated palms over his face and lets out a discontented grunt. He mumbles softly to himself, cursing at his unforgiveable clumsiness as he walks along the street. He has no idea where he is going, just as long as he’s out of the house and far from Yongguk, especially after that little mishap.

Not too many people are out for a Saturday, making the walk all the better. Daehyun isn’t too fond of crowds; in fact, he isn’t too fond of much of anything, which is why he doesn’t have a lot of friends, but he doesn’t mind.

“The more, the messier,” he would say whenever Jongup would ask if he wanted to tag along with his friends and Jongup would laugh, but never argue because he understood what Daehyun meant by that. It started back when Daehyun was still one half of a whole. Jongup didn’t know the details. All he knew was that there was a rift in Daehyun’s relationship and then something went down and ever since then, Daehyun had a guard up the size of a dam. He wouldn’t trust anyone and he wouldn’t let anyone come close enough to be a potential threat, friend or more.

It was actually sad, in Jongup’s opinion, to see such a good guy turn into someone so daunting and bitter that his demeanor alone would deter anyone from even considering approaching him. But he swore from the day that he witnessed Daehyun come home with shirt soaked from his own tears, completely lost and distraught, that he would never leave his side. Daehyun needed to know that there was at least one person in the world he could always count on and Jongup would never let him hurt like that again.

Jongup isn’t the brightest bulb in the bunch, but he is one of the best friends anyone could ask for. From the start, he and Daehyun clicked and he would always listen to whatever Daehyun had to say about his day, however petty and irrelevant it may have been. He would laugh when he was happy and frown when he was mad, but most importantly, he would hold his hand and sit on the couch with a pint of cookie dough ice cream on hand as Daehyun sulked into his shoulder, watching a slew of sad movies. He would lighten the mood with a little joke about how Daehyun was actually crying over how small the guy’s dick was or something along those lines, but Daehyun would retort with, “You shouldn’t be talking,” and Jongup would grin and bear it. Insult or not, at least Daehyun was smiling.

So even in times of Daehyun’s rash outbursts – often not Jongup's fault – the younger would just take it and leave it at that. He knew Daehyun’s intentions weren’t malicious; he just needed an outlet for his vexation no matter how unnecessary. It became more of a routine over time and the shell that Daehyun built solidified.

However, there was one point where Daehyun almost pushed Jongup over the edge. Considering how difficult that is to do, it was a wakeup call to say the least. Daehyun had yelled at him over something so small and it tipped the iceberg for Jongup. He couldn’t take anymore. He didn’t think he deserved to, not under any circumstance, not even his best friend’s. The daily rants and constant irascibility were taking its toll.

Jongup was ready to head out the door, Daehyun desperately clinging onto his arm, tears brimming over his eyes. It took only a glance for Jongup to cave. The image of Daehyun coming home broken flashed through his mind and he remembered the oath he took upon himself to never leave his side. Softly he exhaled, taking Daehyun into his arms, cries muffled into his jacket.

Daehyun takes a deep breath, focuses on the sound of his sneaker’s soles scraping the pavement. He thinks about how lucky he is to have Jongup as a friend and revels at the fact that he stayed loyal to him this long. If the roles were reversed, he isn’t sure that he could have done the same.

When he returns home, a pile of neatly folded clothes are sitting on his bed. He separates the pile according to their respective drawers and notices some of Jongup’s shirts mixed in. A knot forms in the pit of his stomach because that means that Jongup isn’t the one who had done the laundry so he carelessly tosses the garments about as he funnels through the rest of the stack and his nightmare comes to light when he holds up a single shirt. “No!”

Yongguk takes out one earphone and cocks his head toward the door, unsure if he heard something and shrugs it off when nothing sounds thereafter.

“You!”

Yongguk feels something hit the back of his head and turns to find a black ball of fabric on the floor. He picks it up and chuckles at the severely shrunken shirt. Daehyun steps further into the room, scowl in place. “What the fuck?” Daehyun snatches it from Yongguk and shakes the sorry excuse for a shirt in his face.

Yongguk grins, “I’m sorry, it was an accident.”

His lack of guilt does nothing to filter Daehyun’s anger. “This was my favorite shirt!”

“I didn’t do it on purpose. I’m sorry, Dae.”

“Dae?” Daehyun questions, lifting a furious brow, “Who said you could call me that?”

Yongguk clenches his jaw to keep from saying something he’ll regret and stands, looking dead into the other’s eyes. Daehyun takes a step back, expression changing accordingly.

“I said I’m sorry. It was an accident. I’ll buy you another one. You don't have to go off like that,” Yongguk speaks calmly.

Daehyun drops his gaze involuntarily and swallows. He isn’t sure what to say or how to come back from that and he doesn’t try, just takes another step back, but Yongguk latches onto his wrist. Reflexively, Daehyun tries to pull away.

“Dae.”

Again, he can hear the slightest falter in the way Yongguk says his name and this time he doesn’t argue. “What?”

Yongguk waits. He doesn’t know what for, but he does. As the seconds pass, his grip loosens around the other’s wrist and it slips from his fingers back to Daehyun's side and when the younger doesn’t take the chance to run, Yongguk speaks. “We need to talk.” Those four words hit Daehyun in the chest like a bullet, stringing along lamentable memories and he can’t help but turn further away. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Yongguk twists his tongue to the side, stare glued to the back of Daehyun’s head. “There is.”

Daehyun holds back the urge to cry as he falls to his knees. The emotions he tried so hard to lock away threaten to surface, rendering him immobile. Yongguk kneels beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Daehyun smacks it away. “What do you want?”

Yongguk’s lips part. He wants to say something, but the words can’t seem to manifest. His thoughts are swarming into a jumbled mess and all he chokes out is, “I’m sorry.”

Daehyun closes his eyes, glad that his back is turned. The anger is leaving him and he’s grasping at nothing in an attempt to hold it in because it’s the only thing keeping him from the emptiness seeping into his core. Yongguk waits for a reply, a look, a shove, anything, but the younger remains still. Finally, Daehyun lifts himself from the floor, legs a bit unstable though he manages. He walks to the door and stops in the threshold, turns his neck to face Yongguk. His expression is one Yongguk can’t bring himself to look at and as he drops his head, the other is gone.

Daehyun breaks down the moment his door shuts, a mess of tears and mucus shrouding his face. He thinks of how utterly cruel and selfish it is that after everything Yongguk has done, all he can muster is a measly, “I’m sorry.” He falls heavily, the cold floor keeping him from falling into an abyss. Softly a knock comes from the other side, but Daehyun is too far-gone to acknowledge it. The door opens and a gentle hand brushes Daehyun’s bangs from his face, cradles his head into their lap and at that point, Daehyun doesn’t care who it is; he isn’t in any condition to fight. With the edge of his sleeve, Yongguk dabs Daehyun’s cheeks, even going so far as to swipe under his nose. Daehyun sniffles and coughs, gasping for air between cries into the stranger’s lap. Soothing movements slide up and down his back and that alone is consolation enough to appease his weeping. When his tears finally subside and he’s able to breathe without choking, he props himself up slowly and looks up through puffy eyes.

To his surprise, Yongguk is sitting before him, shirt stretched every which way and what surprises Daehyun more is that he doesn’t find the urge to cringe in the elder's presence. He slides the side of his thumb under his nose and scoots back enough to lean against the wall, bringing his knees to his chest. Yongguk swallows anxiously. He stares at Daehyun, who is trying to shield his face. Yongguk wants to tell him that it’s okay, that he doesn’t need to hide. Though he keeps to himself, waiting for the right moment to speak. “Dae.”

Daehyun buries his face in his arms, contemplating an answer. Yongguk doesn’t wait for one. “I’m sorry.”

There it is again. A shudder runs through Daehyun, making it harder to keep still.

“I really am. I know I can’t take it all back. I can’t change what I did. But I am sorry. I know you won’t forgive me just yet or maybe you won’t ever forgive me and that’s okay. I just need you to know that I’m sorry.” His tone is sincere, almost believable. Almost.

Daehyun shuts his eyes. He doesn’t want to hear more. He just wants to be left alone and as he squeezes his lids just a bit more, the faint sound of footsteps goes with the click of the door.

\- - - 

Daehyun comes home from a long day at work in no mood for conversation. Jongup senses the latter, waves as the other passes through the kitchen. He watches Daehyun grab a can of cola from the fridge, downing half of it in one go. Daehyun leans against the sink, tapping the now fairly empty can against the counter. As Jongup continues to slice a carrot, he glances up at Daehyun, deciding to break the silence.

“Long day?”

Daehyun pokes the inside of his cheek with his tongue and nods, tossing the can into the trash.

“What happened?”

Daehyun folds his arms into each other, keeping his gaze to the floor. “Stupid boss keeps making me run errands for him like I’m his personal bitch. I mean I work at a coffee shop. Why the hell would I go pick up his damn dry cleaning?”

Jongup tosses the vegetables into a bowl, mixes in some spices, and grins at Daehyun’s expense. “Maybe he’s just a jelly belly.”

Daehyun cocks a brow, shaking his head. Jongup laughs. “What? I’m serious. Maybe he’s jealous.” Jongup lifts his arm, points the end of his wooden spoon at Daehyun. “Our little Daehyunie is so cute that’s why.”

Daehyun rolls his eyes, tries to suppress a chuckle and counters, “You’re so dumb.”

“I’m right though, aren’t I? Don’t you have girls swooning over you every day?”

Daehyun can’t argue because he knows it’s the truth. The amount of phone numbers he brings home is absurd. Most are written on scraps of torn napkins from the coffee shop, some on paper and a good sum on his arm. However, these days aren’t as bad as before. He remembered how he would go to Yongguk’s house after work every day before going to his own.

_He arrives, rubbing away at the smeared ink on his skin, uniform rolled up to his elbows.  Yongguk laughs and asks why he doesn’t just tell them that he’s taken and Daehyun wiggles a brow, replies smugly, “Because I can’t help that the public loves me.”  His chin is then framed between his index finger and thumb as he gazes off into space, cockiness exuding from that smirk. He winks at nonexistent people in the living room. Yongguk rolls his eyes and boos only to receive a glare and Yongguk points to him, turning to an invisible fan shouting, “Did you see that? What a jerk!”_

_Daehyun pretends to hold a microphone to his mouth, calling security to remove the crazed fan. Yongguk sticks his tongue out as he fights with invisible security guards all the while Daehyun continues killing fans with his charm.  The fantasy ends with a pillow thrown at Daehyun’s face and Yongguk laughs as he walks over, wrapping arms around his star.  “You’re mine.”_

_Daehyun slightly tiptoes to kiss him, but Yongguk backs away. Daehyun rolls back in confusion and asks, “What?”_

_“Promise me first.”_

_“Promise what?”_

_“That you’re mine.”_

_Daehyun grins and nods, “I promise."_


	3. Creep

Daehyun unbuttons his uniform, tosses it onto the bed where a single shirt is lying, note affixed to the collar: Mission One: Buy Daedae a new shirt - COMPLETE. Sorry again for shrinking the other one!

“Daedae?” Daehyun scoffs and tosses the note into the trash. He picks up the shirt, examines the details before pulling it over his head. It’s a little shocking, he finds, that Yongguk actually got him a replacement, but he doesn’t dwell on it and steps into the hall where his eyes lock with a pair he’d been careful to avoid. He is quick to look away, brushing past as coolly as he can manage.

“Do you mind putting everything away when you’re done? I’m gonna hang with Youngjae,” Jongup more tells than asks and surprisingly, Daehyun doesn’t retort. Jongup waves before slipping out the door and Daehyun rolls his eyes with the realization that he is now alone with him again. He lets the thought settle on the side as a very slight pang of jealousy hits him. This whole hanging out thing with Youngjae seems like it is becoming more frequent and a small part of Daehyun is beginning to worry that maybe he’s being replaced.

Yongguk watches from across the living room, inconspicuously glancing from behind curtained bangs, though it seems rather unnecessary seeing that the other is deep in thought. He sees the concern in Daehyun’s face and can’t help but figure that it has something to do with Jongup.

Daehyun turns on the faucet; steady rhythm of running water fills the room. A pair of hands accompanies his, picks up a plate to be washed. Daehyun glances up to find Yongguk practically looming, too close for comfort and his cheeks flush a light shade of pink, unable to pry his eyes away. Yongguk smiles and the pink deepens to crimson, arm grazing Daehyun’s to scoot closer. Instead, he backs away as the pot slips from Daehyun’s grip, water and soap splashing the latter.

He shakes his hands from foamy clumps, cussing the drenched splotches about when a towel unexpectedly sweeps across his cheek. Yongguk rounds his chin and under the disconcerting stare he doesn’t need to see to feel, he pokes Daehyun’s nose lightly, another smile finding its way across his lips. Daehyun’s throat tightens as he attempts at diverting his focus. That smile. Daehyun composes himself long enough to flee the kitchen, finding refuge in his room and his bed although fairly cluttered, beckons with a sense of security. He sighs into the night, getting lost in the ceiling.

That smile that Daehyun couldn’t deny. It was the same smile he had seen the day his world fell apart.

_Yongguk has been off as of late and Daehyun was beginning to fear that perhaps the spark they once had was inevitably burning out.  Their daily rendezvous depleted to monthly ones. Their weekly dates became sporadic. Phone calls every night had ceased. Even texts were rare._

_When they were together, Yongguk seemed aloof, getting easily distracted and excited when something or someone else came into the picture. He would usually be preoccupied, either on his phone or something of the like. Talking was seldom, flirting even less, cuddling extinct, and kisses a thing of the past.  It came to a point where Daehyun was content with Yongguk just being there, even if he really didn’t want to be.  Their relationship was dwindling, Daehyun’s heart quietly breaking._

_Every night Jongup had to see Daehyun force a smile, pretending everything was okay, but he knew. The shine in Daehyun’s eyes was gone. The façade he was hiding behind was gradually cracking and Jongup wasn’t sure if he was ready to deal with the reality about to surface._

_“Do you really think it’s worth staying in this relationship?”_

_Daehyun takes a moment to think, a very small part of him wanted to say no._

_“Y-yeah,” he stutters in response. Jongup twists the cup between his fingers in disapproval.  “I know there’s more than you lead on. You don’t have to tell me the details. I just don’t like seeing you like this.”  Daehyun knows what he means, but asks anyway, “Like what?”_

_“I can see through your smile. Come on, you’re walking around like a zombie. It’s eating you alive and denying it isn’t going to save whatever is left of your relationship.”_

_Daehyun shakes his head; he doesn’t want to hear any more. He’s had enough of this. No more talking. No more dissecting. No more. He wants to believe what he’s been telling himself all along, that this relationship – the thing he and Yongguk have built together, that they’ve lived and loved for – is not a lost cause. That it wasn’t for nothing._

_His eyes seal in silent frustration as his breath quickens in strained huffs against the storm ripping through his skull, typhoons raging against an already battered heart. His voice breaks through the turmoil, glare shooting across the room.  “How can you say that? You don’t even know him and apparently you don’t know me either. Do you know what we’ve been through? Do you know that he’s the only person who knows me, the real me? He’s been there when no one else was. You don’t know anything.”_

_Jongup minimizes the space between them, keeps calm as he nears his friend. It takes a moment for him to speak, unsure if doing so will help, “What about me? You're saying that I don't know you? That I wasn't here for you?"_

_Daehyun softens, an apologetic look crosses his face, "I'm sorry I didn't mean that you weren't. I just...meant that you don't know what we had, how good he was."_

_"Exactly, it's what you had. And you’re right. I don’t know any of that, of how good it was, but I do know that you’re hurting. And I know that you’re holding onto what you used to have. I know you’re fighting so hard for something that isn’t what you think it is anymore. And I know that you come home every night and cry yourself to sleep and I’ve never brought it up because I can’t put you through any more pain. So forgive me for wanting better for you. You don’t deserve this, Dae.”_

_There is little anger left in Daehyun’s eyes, Jongup’s words falling heavy on his shoulders. Jongup lifts a hand to rest on the elder’s bicep, but gets shrugged off._

_“Dae, I-”_

_Daehyun interjects, “No, you don’t know,” and shakes his head, stare set on the floor.  “You don’t know how it’s tearing me apart inside not being able to see him. How every rejected call, unanswered text, cancelled date is another slap to my face. You don’t know,” Daehyun trails off, quivering chords suffocating in an overwhelmed throat, fighting back what’s been harbored for too long. He sucks a sharp breath in and finishes, “How it is to have the one person you care about more than anything, throw you away.”  Tears begin welling up in hopeless eyes, streams down his cheeks and into splattered pools.  “You don’t know how it’s killing me that he won’t even look at me anymore.”_

_Daehyun breaks down – the outside finally reflecting the inside, spilling out in a cohesive mess.  Ire burns deep within Jongup. He’s seldom provoked to this point and it makes him uncomfortable as a mix of blind animosity and sympathy surge through him. He, too, has been suffering all the while, never being able to protect his friend from himself. Jongup drops to the floor and takes the other into his arms, letting cries of pain run its course._

_-_

_Once melded hands conforming to one another with digits laced in uniformed complacency are now parted with emptiness to fill the void between longing fingers. Messages that crowded an inbox presenting the owner with sweet nothings have long but stopped, the saved ones rotting in technological space. Unspoiled unity has transferred to silence in the form of unacknowledged presences._

_Daehyun patiently waits, never asking for more than the other is willing to comply with. He always accepts what little he is given and has come to terms with their new lifestyle, however disheartening it may be._

_-_

_Daehyun glances eagerly at his watch, practically throws his apron onto the rack in the back room before flying out the door. He has been planning on surprising Yongguk for his birthday for a while and it’s been far too long since he’s had butterflies tickle his insides like they’re doing so now. He imagines Yongguk’s face, remembers the smile he misses and hopes that this is enough to bring it back._

_Excitedly he enters the other’s house, clutches something small behind his back. It isn’t anything extravagant and he knows it doesn’t amount to much, but a lot of effort went into this gift and he hopes that Yongguk – his Yongguk – will appreciate it nonetheless. Daehyun doesn’t care about all the crap. He doesn’t mind dealing with any of it. All Daehyun wants, needs, is to know that Yongguk is still in this with him._

_His grip compresses around the gift just the slightest as he looks around and when it seems as though no one is home, a husky laugh echoes from above.  As he makes his way up, Daehyun remembers the reasons he fell for Yongguk in the first place and reestablishes his wavering confidence that he will remain by the elder’s side through it all. He holds back a smile, takes a deep breath and on the exhale, steps in the threshold._

_Before his brain has the chance to register exactly what he is witnessing, his body is freezing up. Mouth parts agape, breath shallow, lump notches in the back of his throat. A sickening throe burrows to the pit of his stomach and it’s almost detrimental enough to disguise the agony radiating in his chest. His heart is threatening to stop and for the brief moment that his mind is able to function, he wishes that it really will._

_The gift slips away, shattering against the floorboards. Yongguk shoots his attention to the door, eyes rounding in horror at the sight before him. His own mass of terror and truth forges within, putrid self-abhorrence digging into his soul and he can’t move. He wants to speak, wants to defend himself, but there is nothing he can say._

_The truth is here, right in front of Daehyun’s innocent face._

_A devious smirk plasters upon the face of the man laying beside Yongguk as he evaluates the situation and lifts a smug brow at the younger.  Daehyun wants to scream, but all that comes out is a faltered squeak, chest ready to cave. His entire being is crumbling and the longer he stands, the more the anguish consumes him.  All he can do is run so he does._

_Yongguk sits dumbfounded, feels himself begin to writhe inside, the look on Daehyun’s face alone enough to kill him._

_It has been a few months since he and Himchan began their little spark of infidelity and with each day, he had gotten more comfortable, doubting Daehyun would ever find out.  Himchan leans closer, sliding a palm across Yongguk’s thigh only to have it slapped away in disgust.  Himchan pries with a pout, “Why’d you stop?”_

_Yongguk scrapes a hand roughly over the back of his head and orders the other to leave, but Himchan refuses, gently tugging at the elder’s hem. It takes a look of indignant despair to rouse Himchan from his current position, not needing further insistence to convince him that he’s overstayed his welcome._

_With the slam of the door, a bellow lets into the air, a vehement fist finding its way to the wall. Bits of drywall and chipping paint crumble around the cracking dent now staring Yongguk in the face. It only feeds the agitation spreading within and in a bout of choler and guilt things start flying across the room. He stops for a second to look down at his shaking hands, a string of blood drips from a gash between worn knuckles and for a second, his focus shifts to the ring that seems to be burning through his skin. He rips it off, recoils his arm, ready to throw. The window is open practically screaming his name, but he hesitates, drops his arm, and lets the ring clink to the floor because he knows that once he lets it go, he will be throwing it all away. Then it hits him, h e already has.  Yongguk drops to his knees, lets his arms hang loosely._

_“What have I done?”_

_-_

_They were going strong for four years. The happy couple who giggled quietly without needing any explanation. They were that couple. To friends, they were the goal and to lovers, they were the envy. It all seemed too good to be true and the only one who knew the reality in those words was Yongguk._

_Yongguk picks up a glass and tanks the shot, liquid warming his throat. With two taps on the counter, the bartender slides another glass down. He twists it between his fingers and laughs, finding it quite amusing how something so simple can take him away, far away from everything – and that’s exactly where he wants to be.  A heavy sigh releases as the glass is slammed onto the counter. Yongguk blinks at his reflection across the bar, letting the alcohol go to work, neck pulsing in exaggerated beats._

_“Hey handsome,” an airy voice comes from a man taking the seat to his left. Yongguk rolls his eyes to catch a glimpse of the idiot – face slim and alluring even without a smile.  “Are you here alone?”_

_Yongguk scoffs, “Get lost.”_

_The stranger smirks, delighting in the challenge.  “Just because you came here alone doesn’t mean you have to go home alone.”  A determined hand grasps Yongguk’s knee and he's not so keen on the more than comfortable gesture._

_“I’m taken," he spits.  The stranger creeps a finger up Yongguk’s quad.  “Then why are you here?”_

_And when he is sure the elder is at a loss, he plants a palm over Yongguk’s inner thigh. It makes the latter uneasy, but he doesn’t move, just taps the counter once more. With a hiked up brow on the verge of triumphing, the stranger prods his thumb ever closer to Yongguk’s pelvis and leans in to whisper with a tone that causes the other to shiver.  “I won’t tell if you won’t.”_

_Yongguk glances at the man whose eyes seem to be luring him in and closes his own, downing another shot._

_Relentless pounding wakes him the following morning and he tosses about to escape the sun. His eyes shoot open when a groan comes from behind and practically throws himself against the wall when he turns around. There’s a half naked – at least assumingly so – man in his bed, his own lack of clothing making the situation all the worse._

_As he pulls on whatever clothes is readily accessible, he assesses the circumstances and tries desperately to recall last night’s occurrences. There are articles of clothing strewn across the floor and he runs a disappointed palm over his face, frustration and disgust only tipping the whirlpool of emotions. He creeps toward the bed to examine the stranger’s face, bits of the prior night come flashing back.  After talking in the bar for a while they end up stumbling to his door wasting no time to get to his room. The guy leans in for a kiss and Yongguk welcomes it, knowing well that this is exactly what they came here to do._

_Yongguk shakes his head to stop it, this time rubbing both hands vigorously over his face.  “What the fuck did I do?”  Questions tunnel through his mind – what about Daehyun? Is he going to tell him? He has to, right? It seems never-ending and the faster he paces, the faster the questions turn into what ifs._

_“Morning.”  There’s that voice again. Yongguk halts, refrains from looking at the stranger.  “I don’t know who you are. I don’t want to know. I don’t know what happened last night. I don’t want to know that either. I just want you out,” Yongguk snaps and doesn’t hesitate to move aside, pointing at the door with a grimace that teetered on the edge of mortification._

_The stranger chuckles, saunters toward the other.  “You don’t have to be ashamed. Remember? I won’t tell if you won’t.”  Those words lick at Yongguk’s ears like venom just as they had the night prior, causes him to shudder and when the stranger presses further and strokes a taunting finger down his chest, Yongguk is done.  “Get out!”_

_The man jumps with the bark he finds unnecessary and slips into his clothes, obviously having played this game before, and as he makes his exit he tosses a folded paper onto Yongguk’s desk.  “If you change your mind,” he insists with a smile that makes the elder’s insides curdle._

_Yongguk waits to hear the click of his door before unfolding the paper and reads, “Himchan 02-2XX-XXXX. Fuck that,” he sneers and aims for the trash. His attention reverts to the bed where their treachery mocks him and he strips the mattress of the evidence._

_“What the fuck were you thinking, you fucking dumbshit?” he cries, scratching at the skin beneath his shirt. Everything seems to be excruciatingly tight at the moment and he claws at the fabric now joining the sheets in the trash.  He hurries to the shower, lets his mind drift elsewhere as the water streams down his body. He tries to imagine it – apologizing to Daehyun – but ends up cringing when Daehyun’s face morphs into a look he never wants to see.  He knows what is going to happen, knows not how to handle it._

_The next time he sees Daehyun, he can’t bring himself to meet the other’s eyes. The night continues on like this, the elder more off than usual. Guilt incites Yongguk to the point of confessing, but the warmth in Daehyun’s smile keeps it from leaving his lips. He is dying inside, but finds it better to suffer this way than to watch Daehyun walk away._

_Any proximity makes the elder shy away, giving excuses of weariness while he knows the lies are building upon each other. The slightest touch triggers nightmares of that night and he can’t bear the burden that the regret hangs over him. He’s more ashamed than anything else at the fact that he can’t even man up enough to face the ramifications he fears and without realizing the toll that this is taking on Daehyun, he distances himself further._

_The more Daehyun pries and pushes, the more Yongguk withdraws and pushes back. He can’t function like the happy couple they once were because Himchan’s face is drilled into his head and no matter how hard he tries, there’s always a constant reminder that things will never be the same.  The guilt is consuming him._

_He contemplates. On one hand, he can confess to Daehyun and watch how he single handedly breaks him down. Or on the other, he can continue keeping it locked away, prohibiting him from sustaining this relationship. Either way, he knows he is going to hurt Daehyun and it is tearing him apart. He can feel it – the guilt, the remorse, the stupidity picking away at his insides, slithering beneath his skin, drowning him in contempt._

_The only thing that numbs him to a point of self-tolerance is the seemingly bottomless drinks he chugs every night. Himchan always waits for him in the same seat, never failing to get rejected. However, every once in a while, to appease his restless hormones, Yongguk obliges and wakes up the next morning regretting more than just the hangover._

_Daehyun has become accustomed to the new Yongguk and the latter knows it. He knows Daehyun will just accept whatever, never questioning him and it only makes the deception seamlessly casual._

_Daehyun stops by for an hour and just like each day prior, they sit in silence, the tension almost tangible. He has a choice. He can do what ever he pleases, but he chooses to sit there and it annoys Yongguk just the slightest that he doesn’t do anything else. What’s the reason in coming here if that’s all he’s going to do, he thinks. Yet, he doesn’t get angry because he knows he’s the reason it got to this point and sinks back into the couch._

_When Daehyun leaves with head angled down, eyes never meeting the elder’s, Yongguk hesitates to close the door, watches the younger disappear down the street and a twinge of self-repugnance weighs down through his fingertips that latch onto the knob being pulled shut behind him. He’s going to the bar. His mind is working to fight it, but his legs ignore their plead because a small part of Yongguk finds a kick in the deception and with the added temptation of alcohol, that part of him always wins._

_Daehyun is rapidly dissipating into the background and with each shot, so are Yongguk’s feelings. Deviance is coaxing him to a place he never wanted to be and over time he comes to terms with his new routine._

_Sober isn’t a word commonly associated with Yongguk anymore. His mind is constantly obscured, unable to keep a decent conversation and his priorities have taken a turn for the worst. He doesn’t know how it got this far. He’s always been one to abide by traditions of chivalry and cordiality, always letting his morals do the deciphering and yet, look at him. He is lost and he can’t find his way back, but the more he thinks about it, he doesn’t know if he wants to go back. He’s scared and he’ll never admit it, but he is. He’s afraid to confront his demons; afraid to admit that maybe a small part of him still needs Dae._

_Yongguk tugs at his jacket as he enters the bar, a sense of comfort filling him when he sees the bartender, a familiar face. The bartender hands him the shot he knows is his usual, though Yongguk shakes his head this time and asks for a red bull vodka instead. He wants to think tonight. But the universe has other plans because Himchan snakes his way over and lifts a brow at Yongguk's change in choice of drink. Not waiting for permission, he slides an eager palm over Yongguk’s knee. The elder takes a sip, gently pinching the other’s wrist to rid his knee of the unwanted come-on._

_“No.”_

_Himchan shrugs it off, picks up his own mix of what looks to be an A.M.F and begins talking about his day. When it sounds like he’s starting another vent session about this one guy at that one time in that one place, Yongguk stops listening, engrosses himself in the diluted bronze of his glass and gets to thinking._

_This new life. These new things. This new him. He hates it. At first, it seemed like it could work, but this isn’t him at all. None of this feels right. Yongguk looks at his reflection. He’s too far-gone. His thoughts fixate on Daehyun and he dares to venture into the corners of his mind that he’s hidden away from himself. Deep down, he knows he’s scared and there's still a part of him that wants to go back to his old life, but he can’t. He can’t go back to being so attached to something that the fear of losing it will paralyze him. So he decides it’s much easier this way – keeping his feelings at bay so that they won’t get in the way._

_Once he’s done funneling through his thoughts, he convinces himself that maybe living this way isn’t so bad. Maybe Daehyun will give up on him and leave, but Yongguk is too selfish to let that happen. He doesn't want it to happen.  Maybe he can find a way._

_-_

_Everything is a blur. Before Daehyun knows it, he is sprawled across the floor of his living room, barely through the threshold when he breaks down. Jongup is fast at his side, careful not to question as seems fit. He takes the elder into his arms and as Daehyun wails unforgivably into his chest, he suppresses the anger beginning to fester within.  Jongup can only assume that Daehyun’s sorry excuse for a boyfriend is responsible and he’s glad that he doesn’t know who he is because in all honesty, he wouldn’t be able to control himself long enough to let the asshole walk away._

_Daehyun was never on the quiet side, divulging generously and often more than Jongup was interested in all without much inquiry, but when asked about his love life he would manage to divert from answering and Jongup never being one to pry allowed Daehyun the privacy he wanted. Relationships were taboo. That’s just how Daehyun was._

_So when the latter began confiding in him one odd fall day saying things about how worried he was and asking what he should do, Jongup was at a loss, not knowing much about the foundation of their relationship to begin with. All he knew was that they had been together for years and it was seemingly perfect. Granted, these past few months have been hard on the both of them, Daehyun quite despondent, Jongup none the better._

_He’d offer to listen, attempt to coax a smile and for the most part he kept Daehyun from falling into a miserable trance. The elder appreciated the gestures all the same, telling Jongup not to worry, that he’s fine, but who wouldn’t worry when their best friend walked around the house in a constant daze, bright eyes now vacant._

_-_

_Yongguk gives his phone a squeeze, thrashes thoughts and mental curses with the voice inside his head. He wants to call, to plead and deny and fight, but fear dominates all else and his phone falls to the side as his head hits the wall behind him._

_The room is a mess, not that he cares, though in all the clutter a very tiny twinkles shines. He reaches a hand out to brush over the circumference of the ring, tucks it into his pocket._

_It nears two in the morning when Yongguk musters the courage to dial the number he knows so well, heart hammering unbearably against his ribcage and when the ringing is replaced by an automated voice prompting a message, he opts out with relief, letting the phone smack onto the floorboards._

_He hates it – the truth.  He’s a coward.  And after everything they’ve been through together, he turned on the one person who loved him more than life itself._

_-_

_Days turn into weeks, weeks into months._

_Yongguk passes this particular coffee shop every day. Perhaps he likes the coziness exuding through glass panels and artsy arrays, perhaps he likes the faint chatter of giddy girls gabbing to one another.  Perhaps he is kidding himself thinking of excuses to walk by because every now and again a familiar face appears in the windows, bobbing back and forth behind the counter then round once more to the front, smiling to customers and peers and – there he goes staring again. Yongguk snaps his attention to a tree down the street, clears his throat in shame and continues on his way._

_He often catches himself smiling as he watches from afar, the plight of stalking overwhelming him most times into a state of utter embarrassment and a little in disappointment as he pulls himself from his hiding spot. It’s creepy and desperate to say the least, but he can’t bring himself to stop._

_Some part of him needs this – to see Daehyun, to see that smile – because without it, he will fall apart._

_Oh the irony, he thinks as he walks leisurely down the sidewalk each afternoon. Butterflies flit through his stomach, sweaty palms dig deeper into his pockets and he rounds the corner to peer from behind the comfort of the only bush he deems optimal._

_The coffee shop is on a route that is in no way convenient considering Yongguk’s apartment on the other side of town, though he finds the journey well worth it when that wonderful face comes into view with eyes pinched under folds of cheeks and bits of laughter._

_Yongguk always makes sure that he’s just out of sight because there are times when Daehyun turns to look out the window for reasons unbeknownst to him and he likes to think that maybe Daehyun can feel his presence, but then it just makes him feel even creepier so he brushes the thought aside._

_However, nothing can compare to the day that he met Hoon:_

_“What are you doing?”_

_Panic keeps Yongguk hostage for a moment before he can turn to the stranger hovering over him with a look of perturbation. Yongguk attempts a meek smile and as he stutters over his words, the stranger’s expression transforms into one of fright.  “Wait, why are you spying on our café? Oh my God, are you a stalker?” and as the questions continue to spew, his voice cracks into hysterics, “Holy shit! Boss!”_

_Yongguk yanks at the other’s sleeve and he falls to the grass beside him, looking as if the former is crazy – which in his honest opinion isn’t too far of an assumption._

_Yongguk presses a finger to his lips in a plea that the worker will hush in compliance, but he is too busy trying to crawl away and to his dismay the escape is in vain because Yongguk is pulling him back by the edge of his apron. The worker thumps back to Yongguk’s side, holds his arms out in defense.  “Who the hell are you? What do you want? I don’t have money!”_

_Yongguk lightly whacks his arm still holding a finger to his lips in another attempt to shut the latter up._

_“Ow! Okay, okay, here take it,” he yelps, holding out a few crumpled bills and continues with eyes closed, “This is all I have, it’s only six dollars!”_

_Yongguk can’t help but chuckle and the worker dares to peek one eye open then the other until he’s stashing the cash back into his apron and poking at Yongguk’s chest.  “What’s so funny? You think six dollars is funny? It's the beginning of my shift, okay? And what makes you so high and mighty, are you rich or something? Don't look down on people trying to make their way, okay, mister. I'm not the one hiding in a bush."_

_Yongguk's brows squish together and he smiles, “I don’t want your money.”_

_“Then what are you doing?” the worker asks with arms crossed.  Yongguk stops chuckling. How does he explain this?  Before he can mutter nonsense, backing himself into a corner of lies, the worker speaks, “Oh, do you like him too?”_

_Yongguk cocks his head in confusion. The other obliges, “Daehyun. A lot of people have a crush on him, but who doesn’t am I right?” The worker prods a knowing elbow into Yongguk's arm, smirking smugly to himself and when Yongguk’s unamused stare is noticed, the worker straightens out, smirk flat lining.  “A lot of people come around to get a look at him, but most usually go into the shop and buy something, you know. This is the first time I actually saw one of you creeping.”_

_Yongguk doesn’t know how to respond, how to defend himself, but he doesn’t need to because the worker is placing a palm over his shoulder with a smile.  “It’s okay, I’m just teasing. He’s single now so people come around more often,” the worker shifts his gaze to the café, “I heard his ex didn’t even have the decency to break up with him before he moved on to someone else. The poor kid didn’t show up for days. Luckily boss let it slide which was surprising as hell ‘cause boss doesn’t like him very much. He's all jealous, you know.”_

_Yongguk shuffles in place, suppressing the guilt beginning to surface. The worker turns back to the other and notices the almost strained look on his face as he stares through the window. It isn’t a look he is quite used to and as he follows the other’s gaze to one face among the rest, he takes the chance to speak._

_“Do…do you know Daehyun?”_

_Yongguk is taken aback a bit, but keeps his focus straight, though the lack of finesse in his reply only sinks him deeper.  “N-no, I just um…I mean…I used to know him.”_

_“Well, why don’t you go talk to him?”_

_Yongguk drops his eyes, lip turning up just the slightest, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”_

_He can almost hear the gears cranking in the employee's brain as the pieces come together and as the final cogs click into place, he faces Yongguk with a look he was hoping he didn’t have to see._

_“Hold on…are you. Are you his ex?”_

_Yongguk remains silent and so the latter speaks once more, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to- I heard it was pretty ugly. You know, the way things were left.”_

_Yongguk clenches his jaw knowing well what he means and when the other asks a question he had asked himself before, he looks up.  “Why do you do this? I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve come around, am I right? So why do you do this if you're the one who wanted to end it?”_

_Yongguk sighs. “You don’t know what you have until its gone.”_

_-_

_Daehyun lies awake, lets the dark devour him. The ceiling moves with shadows beyond the window and rain patters softly against the pane in the background, drowning out most of his thoughts and it’s the first time in a long time that he’s somewhat at ease._

_Some days are better than others. He goes through the motions, not much has changed._

_At work, he glances out the window every now and then because he swears that there was one time that he saw Yongguk outside and secretly, he had hoped that it was true, but even if it were, what would he do?_

_He had locked himself so deep within, safe from anything and everything. Even Jongup had difficulty speaking to him, getting nothing but nods and mumbles in return, the occasional sneer biting harder than either expected._

_Daehyun doesn’t want to be this bitterly isolated person especially toward his best friend, but he can’t let his guard down, can’t be that vulnerable again. It’s going to take a fair amount of time before he can forget the way his eyes burned with tears and the way his heart sank so deep that he couldn’t even feel it._

_He just wants to take things day by day. Anything that isn’t necessary isn’t worth his time and he doesn’t want to be bothered with such useless things or people for that matter. As a result, his number of friends declined and by association, so has Jongup’s, but Jongup doesn’t mind because it means that they weren’t much of a friend in the first place._


	4. Why

Jongup sees change, sees the old Daehyun coming through every once in a while, but just when it seems as though the latter is on his path to recovery, it all shoots to hell and oddly enough it’s when his cousin came to visit.

He doesn’t think anything of it at first, but the longer Yongguk is here, the more Daehyun becomes his angry self. There is more to this than either is leading on and Jongup is apprehensive about finding out exactly what.

“Youngjae-ah, watch the table,” Jongup giggles, pushing his friend a safe distance away.

Daehyun watches with envy, though he’d never admit it, from the kitchen as the two show each other new moves. His eyes burn through the stranger’s skull as he questions exactly who this Youngjae guy is, not that he cares, but he wants to inform the latter that there is no room for a third wheel because Jongup is his best friend.

Their conversation picks up, evolves into laughter and Daehyun has had enough, makes a beeline for the duo, shoving a hand between them. Youngjae’s face is taken into Daehyun’s palm and with a quick flick, is pushed a sufficient distance away. He stumbles a bit, recovers, gives Daehyun a look of appalled confusion, but brushes it off when the other smiles innocently enough.

-

“What was that about?”

Daehyun rubs an eye, asks in response, “What was what about?”

Jongup rolls his eyes. “Earlier. Shoving Youngjae away.”

Daehyun takes a sip of his cola, replies coolly, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Dae, come on. You practically threw his face across the room.”

A slight smirk turns up the corner of Daehyun’s lips. “Because you guys were being too loud. It was annoying.”

“You mean you were jelly!”

Daehyun shoots a glare across the kitchen island. It only amuses Jongup more, “You were! Jelly belly!”

“Shut up! I wasn’t jealous. He just annoys me,” Daehyun states, his tone fails to convince even himself.

“Whatever, jelly belly.”

Daehyun punches Jongup's arm lightly as he passes to exit the kitchen. “You’re so stupid.”

Without warning, the door swings open and a vertically challenged Yongguk stumbles through. Daehyun is the first he sees and he smiles, stumbling further in.

“Hyung, you’re home late,” Jongup says just a little concerned. Yongguk gives a salute and starts heading toward Daehyun, the latter alarmed.

“Dae,” he manages.

Daehyun tries to ignore him, turns to face the fridge, though silence follows soon after and he turns to look back to see why. Yongguk is hanging over the island with eyes closed and Daehyun has seen enough. He gets up and just then, a hand grips his wrist. “Don’t. Don’t leave me.”

Daehyun softens for a moment as he gazes at a flushing Yongguk. He’s never seen the elder so vulnerable before and it’s almost sweet enough to make him want to take him into his arms. Jongup watches, notices Daehyun’s expression change into one he hadn’t seen in a very long time. Something about Yongguk brings out the worst in Daehyun, but right now, something about Yongguk is bringing out the old Daehyun. Jongup can see the hurt on his face, but there’s also something else, something in his eyes. He watches more intently. Yongguk’s hand slips from the other’s wrist, but Daehyun doesn’t move, just stands over him with the same look.

That’s it. In his eyes, there’s longing.

A gasp escapes Jongup and brings Daehyun back to reality. Quickly, Daehyun snaps his attention to the only other conscious person, gauges Jongup's expression in hopes that he didn’t witness that moment of weakness. Jongup just smiles, almost as if to reassure that he saw no such thing and when Daehyun finds it in him to finally move, he hurries uneasily up to his room.

Jongup saunters over, pulls Yongguk’s arm around his neck to help him up the stairs. The elder mumbles almost inaudibly. “I’m sorry, Dae.”

Jongup isn’t sure if he hears him correctly, but continues up to Yongguk’s room where he lays him onto the bed and takes one last look before shutting the door.

-

“Drank too much?” Jongup teases as his cousin walks into the kitchen. Yongguk holds his temples, waves a hand to shut the other up.

After a few hours, he is able to function, though the headache is ever resilient. Jongup is in Daehyun’s room, tugging at the sheet beneath the lazy lump and drops it when he refuses to move. “Fine. You wash it then.” He turns to move on to the next room, but hesitates. “What was that, by the way?”

Daehyun gives an annoyed sigh, “What was what? Why do you keep asking me what things were? What are you talking about now?”

“Last night. The way you were looking at Yongguk. I don’t know, it just reminded me of. Never mind.”

Daehyun sits up, replies in defense, “I wasn’t looking at him like anything. He’s just annoying. Everyone’s annoying.”

“No, you weren’t looking at him like you were annoyed. You had this look in your eye. Like the look you had before you,” Jongup cuts himself short and begins to leave again.

Daehyun stops him out of curiosity. “Before I what?”

Jongup stops, squeezes his eyes shut for a second before facing Daehyun once more. “Before you broke up with your ex.” He didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to bring up the past, but he needs some answers. Daehyun curses himself for being so transparent. He’s stuck and as tears start to well up, he turns to face the wall.

“Dae, I know you don’t like to talk about that, but I want to know why you were looking at him like that. Does Yongguk remind you of your ex? ‘Cause if he does, I can find another place for him to stay.”

Daehyun keeps silent, tears choking words too hard to say.

“Dae, talk to me. You know you can tell me anything. If he makes you uncomfortable, that’s fine. Just talk to me.”

Daehyun closes his eyes, wants to vanish, but he knows Jongup won’t leave without an answer so he cries out the only thing he can. “He is my ex!”

The basket hits the floor. Everything is coming together. How did I not see it before, Jongup thinks and rushes to his friend. “I’m so sorry, I was so stupid. I couldn’t even see it. Why didn’t you tell me?”

He knows Daehyun won’t answer, yet he questions because it’s all he can do. He grips the elder’s arm, witnesses the tears soaking his sheets and turns to face the door. Rage washes over him, unable to see Daehyun like this again and he is fast out the door with no intention of stopping until he finds who he is looking for.

-

“The fuck?” Yongguk yelps as he hits the floor, jaw pulsing with pain. Jongup is standing over him, ire masking the otherwise chipper man’s face. Yongguk shakes his head, tries to process what is happening.

Just as things begin to register, another fist contacts his cheek in an ugly meeting of skin and his vision blurs with the spinning room. It’s not long before he is pinned to the floor, not that he’d be able to get up regardless what with the hangover pummeling his skull. Jongup straddles him, takes the opportunity to land a punch on an already bruising cheek. Yongguk shakes his head to keep from blacking out; the adrenaline pumping through him veils the pain for the time being and he is able to drive an elbow into the side of his captor’s jaw as he swipes a finger over his lips, crimson dripping down its length.

Jongup recovers a second too late, finding himself being mounted, but manages a knee between their chests and kicks the elder over. Yongguk hits the floor again, this time harder than the first and he holds his side in agony. The aggressor is approaching; Yongguk can feel the fear of another blow and readies himself for it, able to catch the fist aimed at his nose and its owner jerks back for a moment of peace.

“What the fuck?” Yongguk bellows, seizing the chance to get on his feet. Jongup’s eyes narrow with a larger wave of resentment and socks the elder in the abdomen. Yongguk keels over, chokes back gasps of air to fill deprived lungs. Any lower and it would have been detrimental, Yongguk thinks through bouts of pain. Jongup steps back and watches him squirm on the floor, arms clutching desperately around his stomach as he gags for air.

“It was you,” Jongup snaps, the rancor in his tone commanding the other to stay down. Yongguk recuperates slowly, torso contorting in an awkward twist. “What the fuck did I do?” Yongguk barks back.

Jongup scoffs with disgust, “You’re the fucking prick who hurt Dae!”

Yongguk sucks a sharp breath in, expression taking on a softer guise. He doesn’t oppose when the younger takes a handful of his shirt and backs him into a wall, fist recoiling at the ready. It’s a little shocking, he finds, that the elder seems to be surrendering himself to the beating to come as his head falls to the side, no resistance left in his eyes. The longer Jongup waits, the more he feels his arm quiver because he can see beyond the guilt splayed upon Yongguk’s countenance. Jongup releases the other, lets him drop to the floor in defeat and takes a step back. He doesn’t know why he can’t bring himself to follow through, why the fury is dissipating because he wants to make him pay, bleed, break.

But the second he sees that look, a look that is so reminiscent of Daehyun’s, it all comes crashing down. Jongup kneels to the other’s level and asks, “Why?”

Yongguk’s lids weigh down with his fleeting consciousness, his body following suit. Jongup catches his head. “Hey!”

The elder mutters into Jongup’s palm, the aftermath claiming its victim.

Jongup is torn. On one hand, he is irate, and for good reason. He can’t stand how all this time Yongguk walked around under the same roof as Daehyun so nonchalantly. It just pisses him off more. He wants to make him suffer, show him what it feels like, wants to avenge his best friend.

Yet, on the other hand, it seems as though Yongguk knows – knows the pain firsthand, knows exactly what he has done, like there’s so much more to it. There’s some part of this puzzle missing and Jongup can’t quite put his finger on it, but the elder is too off to ignore. It all didn’t add up – the look he just had, the grief in his eyes. Yongguk isn’t allowed to be the sad one. Jongup glances down at a battered Yongguk, a twinge of guilt passes as he lays him down to rush back up the stairs. “Dae.” The bedroom is empty.

“Dae!”

He finds the latter curling beside the toilet, his weeping nearing the end of its course. Jongup places a hand atop Daehyun’s shoulder and chuckles as he examines the other’s puffy face. “You look like a blowfish.”

Daehyun shoots a brief look, but turns up a smile and is taken into Jongup’s arms. He coos, “I’m sorry. Everything is gonna be okay. You don’t have to worry about him anymore.

-

Yongguk’s eyes shoot open, adjusts to the dark surrounding him. He remembers being in the kitchen and tries to lift himself, but lays back down when a jolt of pain runs through him. He brushes a hand over his face and winces with the swelling of his cheek, dreading the bruise that most likely accompanied it.

Ever so slowly, he peels himself from the floor, finds the railing to aide in his ascent and manages to make it to his room. A cry breaks out when he collapses on the bed, too weak to bring the rest of his body onto the mattress. He clasps a hand over his lower abdomen, feeling for more discomfort than he’s already used to.

The clock shows 3:02 in the morning.

- 

“Hey." Jongup's voice wakes Yongguk and he feels a foot nudge his side. “You have thirty minutes.”

Yongguk rubs an eye, but stops with a wince when he remembers just how bruised a good amount of his face is. “What?”

Jongup pokes his tongue against the inside of his cheek, “Pack your things. Leave the key on the table.”

Yongguk strains an eye open, “Wha-“

Jongup slides the suitcase over a bit, cuts the other short, “Get your shit and leave.”

With that, he is gone, leaving the elder tired and confused, but he complies with a sigh and somehow within the thirty minutes is dragging his brimming suitcase down the stairs. To his relief, the parlor is unoccupied, making his exit all the more tolerable and he takes a fleeing glance at the second floor before tossing the keys onto the kitchen island and shuts the door with a faint click.

Daehyun pokes his head into the hall, faces the now vacant room to his right and he can feel the emptiness dripping from the walls, permeating through the entire house. With eyes still puffy, he creeps closer until he is in the frame of the former’s room. Yongguk’s cologne lingers. Daehyun remembers that scent, he loved that scent.

The room doesn’t need more than a glance to tell that it’s uninhabited, but an indifferent eye would have gone without seeing what Daehyun couldn’t bring himself to believe. On the nightstand adjacent to one end of the bed, lay a pale pink heart crafted of clay, tainted where fingers have paused. Cracks mar the surface in an almost afflictive way, translucent material seeping through where it was glued together. Daehyun dares to venture into former enemy territory and picks the heart up.

Yongguk kept it. Yongguk mended it back together – the heart Daehyun had sculpted himself. It’s the gift he brought to the elder’s house that mortifying day. He remembers dropping it, crushing the shattered pieces as he fled the scene.

Questions begin welling up with the tears he chokes back.

-

The sheets are a deep shade of violet, matching the drawn curtains that leave the room a bit bleak. Yongguk places his suitcase alongside the closet and slips out of his jacket to sit on the foot of the bed. The suite is elaborately decorated with mirrors and unnecessary furnishings that aren’t quite his taste, which does nothing to bring him out of his sour mood. Checking in at the lobby not five minutes ago, only worsened his disposition when a tuck of his hat did little to shield him from the presumptuous looks being shot his way by guests and employees alike.

With another tip of his hat, room service is trading a bucket of ice for a hearty tip and he closes the door in gratitude, rushing to the kitchen to place a handful into a towel and onto his cheek.

Some part of Yongguk is relieved that everything is finally out there, that he doesn’t have to bear the weight of a secret he had no right to keep anymore. That beating was inevitable, yet Yongguk wishes that it had been Daehyun delivering the punches because maybe then he could have made things better, maybe then he could have taken him into his arms and begged to be forgiven, maybe then he could have freed them both.

\- - - 

Yongguk has a friend who lives in America, Junhong. A while ago, Junhong had offered Yongguk a place to stay if he ever decided to visit so when the situation presented itself, Yongguk took the first flight out.

It was back when they first had broken up. Yongguk drowned himself in liters of scotch and mounds of melancholy, regret constricting him whole. He couldn’t function let alone move on with life and as he lay in bed night after night, the world around trudged along eventually catching up to him. Everything was a mess and Yongguk was sinking deeper into a groove of desolation he had dug himself. He was no more than an empty vessel, simply taking part in normal activities, but there was nothing left of a man that once emanated an infectious kind of joy, smile on hand always.

It took a while for the numbness to veil over what ever was left and as things became just the tiniest bit easier, he would venture to the only coffee shop he dared to frequent on the outskirts of town, never knowing what to expect once he got there. To his surprise, it did him some good instead of the damage he thought it’d inflict. Yet on days when Daehyun would pay a little more attention to one other employee in particular – slowing as he passed, glancing in opportune chances, smiling just the slightest bit more – Yongguk knew he couldn’t keep this up. The small surge of joy that sprouted from the daily trips was not worth the flood of grief that came with it.

He needed a change – any type of change.  And that’s where Junhong came into the picture.

About a year had passed since they had broken up and Yongguk turned to the only other person who knew more about himself than he did. Junhong was always the one that could make Yongguk smile no matter what and it was a perk the elder never took for granted.

Yongguk grins when he arrives in America. Junhong is the same charming kid – at least in Yongguk’s eyes – he’d always adored. Junhong is absolutely tickled that his hyung is actually here by his side like old times and he doesn’t hesitate to throw his arms around the now shorter hyung he had missed.

A couple of months fly by and Yongguk is learning fast – the ways, the language, his peaking interest helping. Repressing memories of home and friends and Daehyun  are becoming easier. Within another couple of months Yongguk begins coming back to life and things seem to be turning around at last, but every now and then something triggers his innermost thoughts – a waft of cologne, the occasional dukbokki run, a maniacal bout of laughter.

Sometimes he finds himself beneath a darkened sky, back against a trunk alone. In those moments of solitude, he gets to thinking that this isn’t a wound that time can heal. This is something he’s driven himself into and inadvertently, this is something only he can fix.

Junhong can tell that something is different about his friend, but refrains from asking so as not to instigate anything he has nothing to do with. Yongguk has been his best friend since grade school. Regardless of being six years apart, the elder never gave Junhong grief for not being able to do things the rest of their group could. In fact Yongguk always catered to the younger, making sure the others took care of him just the same and naturally, Junhong gravitated toward him, a mutual bond forming that neither needed to justify.

When Junhong moved to America only twelve years old, they made a pact to keep in touch, a pact they kept until today. It was hard on the both of them, Yongguk waking at five sometimes four in the morning to answer a call from an excited Junhong who had just gotten home from school, but he didn’t mind because the kid was more than a brother to him. Yongguk would always find some way to sneak his fantastic boyfriend into the conversation and although Junhong didn’t understand much, he never minded always listening intently.

-

It is a warm night. Junhong and Yongguk are in the backyard, beers in hand. The younger is eighteen, but as far as Junhong’s parents go, drinking is permissible so long as it is done at home and it’s a rule he happily complies with.

He looks to the elder long and hard and takes a sip of his fizzing drink before shredding the silence with a question he’s had on his mind for a while.

“Hyung,” he pauses a second, “are you all right? You’ve been zoning out a lot.”

Yongguk is leaning back on either arm, legs extended in front, and pats his chest softly.  “Right here. It hurts.”

“Why?”

Yongguk finishes his bottle and falls back onto the grass with a chuckle. He shifts his gaze to the other, taking in how the moonlight practically kisses his porcelain skin and speaks, “It beats.”  He stops for a moment, “But it’s broken.”

Junhong is at a loss, just watches the other turn his attention to the stars and he can see the hurt spread across his face.  A long string of silence fills the space between them; Junhong gets up to clear the table.  Yongguk calls out to him softly, “Junhong.”

“Yeah?”

“When is it gonna stop hurting?”

The younger focuses on a crack in the table, drops the gathered bottles back onto its surface.  “Hyung, I don’t know.”

Yongguk sighs as he lifts his arm, draws out shapes among the stars, singing quietly to himself. Junhong fusses in the background with clanks of glass and returns next to his friend.  Again, the elder speaks, “Do you believe in second chances?”

Junhong looks down, examines the other’s face. He’s flushing a rosy hue with eyes squinting in drowsy slits.  “I do. Why?”

Yongguk continues outlining nonsense with his finger, replies with another question.  “Do we only get one second chance?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean in life. Do we only get one second chance in life?”

“I’m not sure. I guess it depends on the situation. Why?”

“Cause I’d like to use mine.”

“Well, if that’s the case, then you should use it wisely. Use it for something really important.”

“Junhong, I don't have to think twice about this,” Yongguk whispers, dropping his arm.

“About what?”

“About what I want to use my second chance on. It’s all I ever think about. I can’t escape it. I tried to run, literally. I crossed an ocean to run away, thinking that I could start over because of what I had done. But now I know. I have to face it. I have to make things right.”

Junhong places a comforting hand on the elder’s shoulder, needing clarity but hesitant on prying.  “I don’t know if it’s my place to ask, but what happened? You never told me. All you said was that you broke up…that you screwed up.”

Yongguk rests a hand over Junhong’s and gives it a tiny squeeze.  “I hurt him so badly, Junhong. I didn’t mean to, everything just, it all just happened so fast and I couldn’t control it. I didn’t even know myself anymore.”

“What did you do?”

Yongguk exhales poison, “I cheated on him and he caught us. You have no idea how bad I felt. The look on his face. I made a mistake I’m never going to be able to take back.”  He takes a sharp breath in, fighting the tears about to brim over. Junhong takes the other’s hand into his own.

“I’m sorry, Dae. I’m so sorry,” Yongguk’s voice cracks between cries, burying his face into his friend’s lap.

It’s the first time he ever confessed to anyone and the truth hurt. Junhong feels his own heart start to crack as his friend’s cries break into the sky. He’s never seen Yongguk so helpless before and it hurt seeing him hurt. Yongguk had always been like the leader in their group of friends, always the strong one, knowing what to do or say, making decisions the rest of them couldn’t. So being able to do nothing while his friend, who he had always looked up to, wept is something completely foreign.

Junhong runs a hand over his back, the other’s breathing choppy with swelling wails.

Yongguk wakes the next morning, eyes swollen beyond recognition, skull throbbing relentlessly.

“You okay, man?”

Yongguk pinches the bridge of his nose in shame as the younger enters the room with some water and aspirin.

“I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to get all -”

Junhong cuts him short in an attempt to ease his shame and smiles, “It’s cool, bro. But you okay? And I’m not talking about the headache.”

“I don’t know. I just…need to go back. I tried to fight with myself, but I can’t. I need him.”

“Then what are you doing? Go get him!” Junhong exclaims, too loud for one hosting a hangover. He stands and motions for the elder to do the same.

“You want to get him back, then go get him! How are you gonna do that from here? Go.”

Yongguk pulls the blanket over his head only to have it stripped from him completely.

“Do you want him or not?”

Yongguk nods with a groan.

“Then come on, lazy ass. Go.”

-

“I don’t even have a plan. I don’t even know what to say,” Yongguk complains, trying desperately to have this car turned back around.  “I don’t even have a place to stay. I can’t believe you’re making me do this.”

Junhong chuckles.  “I already called Jongup. He’s gonna pick you up from the airport when you arrive in Seoul tomorrow. You’re gonna stay with him until you find your own place. Just chill. The first step is going back to Korea and then you can worry about what to say."

Once the airport is within sight, Yongguk drums his fingers nervously along his thigh, chewing his lip uncontrollably.  “Shit shit shit. What am I doing? I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this!”

Junhong tries to calm his hysterical friend who now has both hands pounding the half-open window, yelling nonsensical words into the distance.

“Calm down!”

Yongguk shakes his head, rubbing a palm forcefully over his face, tries to remain still in his seat the closer they get.  “Shit fucking shit fuck. What am I doing? Oh my god. This is fucking crazy.”

The car slows to a stop and as Junhong gets out to retrieve the other's luggage, Yongguk finally stills himself, gripping the sides of the seat excessively tight. The younger taps the window, but Yongguk shakes his head in refusal and when Junhong makes a grab for the handle, Yongguk smiles when it doesn’t open.

“Unlock the door and come out,” Junhong coaxes, but the elder is shaking his head fervently. Junhong can’t help but giggle at the situation and digs into his pocket for the car keys, Yongguk finally opening the door in defeat.

“Come on, man, it’s now or never.”

Yongguk reaches to pull the door back shut.  “Then I choose never.”

Junhong grins, taking hold of his wrist.  “Dude, seriously. Relax. You gotta fight for what you want. You can’t get him back by sitting on the couch. In another country at that. Even if he says no, at least you tried.”

Yongguk sighs, takes hold of his luggage and looks into the other’s eyes. He’s right.

It’s now or never.

\- - - 

Weeks have passed since Yongguk had been kicked out by his cousin. Jongup continues with his daily routines including the usual hangout with Youngjae, which doesn’t seem to bother Daehyun all that much anymore. In fact, Daehyun is hardly home these days and although Jongup never gave it much thought before, his absence is becoming more prominent.

Daehyun didn’t go out much and it wasn’t until now that Jongup realized how much he took his presence for granted. However grumpy Daehyun was, he was always there and it was comforting to know that every time Jongup came home, there would be someone waiting for him, eager to hear about his day. But as of recent, the house no longer felt like a home.

Jongup begins wondering about the whereabouts of his friend, worry creeping upon him. Where does he go every night, he asks himself. Daehyun walks into the living room, Jongup’s gaze switching from the television to him. “Where are you going?”

Daehyun doesn’t stop, doesn’t even bother to look at him, just slips into his shoes and heads straight for the door. “Out.”

“Where?”

Just like every night prior, Jongup is answered with a click of the door and he sighs back into the couch. He settles for a moment before snatching his own jacket, following suit. Luckily, Daehyun isn’t too far down the street. Jongup pulls his hood over his head, remains a safe distance behind the other. The walk is going on for longer than he had expected which only heightens his curiosity about exactly where it is that they're going.

At last, a field comes into view. Jongup watches as Daehyun steps onto the dampened grass, stopping to scan the area when some leaves crunch beneath Jongup’s shoe. He flees to the protection of a nearby tree, hoping to goodness that he hadn’t been caught and by the time he peeks out from safety, Daehyun is halfway across the field. He scurries after him careful to be more discreet.

Daehyun stops to sit under a rather large tree that leans over the peak of the hill it sits upon. A pond waits at the bottom, water twinkling under the moonlight

Jongup shimmies up the side of the hill to observe the area. This place is beautiful. Being at the edge of a field, surrounded by hills, this spot isn’t easily visible for those who didn’t want to venture far, but Jongup finds the walk worth it. Is this where Daehyun goes every night, he wonders.

Daehyun is leaning against the tree, the trunk is crooked but seems to cradle him just right. With knees propped close, he looks up, letting serenity set in. Through squinted eyes, Jongup sees something in his hand, perhaps something in the likeness of a heart and as he tries to crawl closer, Daehyun tucks it back into his pocket to rest his chin atop his knees.

-

Jongup awakens with the snap of a twig, an inaudible yawn accompanying a full-body stretch. Its when he rolls over to a face full of grass that he pushes himself from the ground, remembering where he is, looking around in panic. Daehyun is a significant distance away across the field by the time Jongup pulls himself together and dashes after him.

They walk leisurely down the street just as they had done on their way to the field and Jongup takes a look at his watch, which is showing a disappointing one in the morning. He is tired and confused and he doesn’t care anymore, just wants to sleep.

Their house comes into view and a bolt of joy runs through him for a second before he realizes that he needs to wait a bit for Daehyun to either fall asleep or allow enough space for him to sneak in. He remains crouching behind the fence lining the front lawn, heavy lids failing to focus on the light he’s hoping will flick off soon, but he can’t wait any longer. Jongup flies across the lawn and onto the porch, slides the key into the slot and pulls the door open ever so carefully. Warily, he creeps across the living room, sneaks a glance at Daehyun’s cracked door at the top of the stairs until alas he's in his room. He falls back onto the bed in relief, but a shadow lingers in his doorway.

“You’re home.” Daehyun's voice sends a shock up Jongup's spine. Jongup props upon elbows in shock. “Geez, you scared me. Uh, yeah. Long night.”

Daehyun remains a moment, devilish smirk matching a jilt of his brow, and as he shifts to return to his room, a quip is left for Jongup to muddle with. “Next time you decide to follow me, make yourself less conspicuous.”

Jongup shakes his head with a shamed laugh and falls back into the sheets. Daehyun settles under his own blanket and smiles when a retort too late cuts into the night.

“You’re such an ass!”

-

“So you gonna tell me what you were doing last night?” Jongup asks.

“It's called sleeping. You know, when the sun goes down and people get tired? Suh-lee-ping. Say it with me now," Daehyun mocks.

Jongup rolls his eyes and chuckles, "You know what I mean. What was that whole thing with going to the field and just sitting there?"

Daehyun turns back to the television. "I went there to clear my mind. I had a lot to think about and that place is perfect,” he cocks a brow at the former, “Especially when there’s no one creeping on me.”

Jongup waves it off. “What did you have to think about?”

“Stuff."

Jongup just stares as the other watches, at least pretends to watch, the screen and when there’s no response, he wiggles a foot beneath the other’s leg.

“What?”

“I know you don’t like talking, but you can talk to me. You know that, right?”

The elder’s jaw tightens. The Daehyun that cries and fights and laughs wants so bad to break free and to scream it all out. But this Daehyun – the Daehyun that doesn’t let anyone in or anything out – is struggling to bite his tongue. He knows Jongup. He knows he can trust Jongup. He knows that if there is anyone in this world he can run to it is Jongup. So he stops questioning himself and looks into the other's eyes with apprehension. “This is gonna sound fucked up,” he starts. Jongup’s grip provides some strength to continue, “But I kind of miss Yongguk.”

Jongup slides an arm around the other’s neck and pulls him into a hug. “It’s okay, Dae. It’s not wrong to feel what you feel.”

Daehyun sighs with the conflict thrashing within. He despises Yongguk and he’s beginning to hate himself for still wanting to be with him.

-

The following week is quiet.

Aside from working, Jongup stays home. It’s his turn now to be the one waiting for his friend to come home and when Daehyun does, he smiles, but it never lasts long, a listless look overcoming his face. Jongup knows he needs to do something fast, but what?

-

Yongguk rushes to pull a shirt over his head when a knock sounds at the door. Shock slaps him across the face with the person standing on the other side.

“Hi,” he greets, hesitant and unsure.

Jongup remains stoic, doesn’t say a word as he pushes past to enter the hotel suite. Yongguk shuts the door and motions for the other to sit, but Jongup refuses with arms crossed. The elder rocks unsteadily on the balls of his feet, precarious of what’s about to unfold.

Jongup finally breaks the silence. “Why did you come back to Seoul?”


	5. Cockblock

Jongup’s glare magnifies with the silence that follows, Yongguk’s voice caught in his throat. He ponders a response, an escape, anything. The younger focuses on the fading green circling the elder’s eye, fist balling with the prolonged wait until at last he speaks, "I came back for Daehyun.”

Jongup softens a bit, “What do you mean?”

Yongguk sighs, gaze kept relatively far from the latter. “I know I don’t have any right coming here, but I had to. I fucked up so bad. You have no idea how much it hurts. Jongup-ah, I know you probably don’t believe me, but I just need to get it out there, I never intended to hurt Dae. He’s everything to me. And I know I can’t get him back, but I had to try. I had to at least let him know that I’m sorry.”

Jongup chews his bottom lip, contemplates his choices: either let Yongguk finish what he came here to do or tell him off. He looks to the other hard and sighs. “I don’t know why, but Daehyun is still hanging on.”

Yongguk finally brings his gaze to meet Jongup’s. “What?”

The younger lets another exhale draw out before elaborating. “For some reason that I don’t understand at all, Daehyun misses you. These last few weeks that you’ve been gone, he’s been so quiet and lost.”

Yongguk brightens with the small window of hope, but halts when a finger is pointed indignantly to him. 

“I can’t believe I’m gonna say this so listen carefully. You have _one_ chance," Jongup says with index finger erect. "Don’t fuck up.”

Yongguk watches Jongup make his way out, dropping a key upon the table along the way.

“I can come back?”

Jongup confirms with nothing more than a nod and is gone. Yongguk stands in disbelief, unable to keep the smile from plastering itself across his face.

Daehyun misses him.

-

Yongguk stumbles through the door, lugging his suitcase behind him. It’s nice to be back, he thinks, looking around the house he’s missed so. Butterflies line his ribs as he makes his way up the stairs and when he pushes open the door to the room he calls his own, he freezes, almost as taken aback as the man standing in the middle of the supposedly vacant space.

Daehyun swallows hard as his heart falls back into place, breath slowing to a bearable level of anxiety. He drops his head, shields in shame behind bangs long enough to provide a sanctity he’s desperately clawing for, fleeing the room faster than Yongguk can lift a hand to wave hello in awkward attempts to mollify.

A pair of doors close, questions stirring behind both.

-

Jongup returns late that night and for the first time in a long time, Daehyun is actually home. A container sits on the kitchen counter with a note.

          _Dinner. If you don’t like it, don’t eat it – Dae_

Jongup chuckles to himself and takes a whiff, deciphering the edibility of the concoction.

“Just eat it,” Daehyun drawls.

Jongup grins as Daehyun enters. “I should take a picture. Daehyun actually cooked.”

The elder mocks with a smile, takes a can of cola from the fridge. Jongup pops a plate into the microwave and when he retrieves it, takes another whiff before jabbing a fork into it.

“Do you think it’s gonna bite you? Just put it in your damn mouth for goodness sake,” Daehyun sneers.

“I don’t know, man. I think I saw it move,” Jongup pushes with a teasing grin.

Daehyun shoots a look menacing enough to prompt the latter to shove a forkful into his mouth and he fakes a choke, scrunching his face in disgust. The elder throws the empty can at him. “Fucker.”

Jongup offers an innocent smile lined with splotches of green sprouting from between columns of teeth and takes a seat on the couch, the elder trailing after. A good amount of time is wasted in front of the t.v. before Daehyun turns as casually as he can. “Why…is he back?”

Jongup pushes the food around his plate. “I felt bad. He’s family after all.” Not altogether a lie. He sneaks a glance at Daehyun who's fidgeting with his fingers.

“Do you want him out?” Jongup asks.

“No,” Daehyun answers quicker than he intends, pressing into the couch to hide his shame.

\- - -

“Daehyun, can you clear table 2?”

Daehyun nods, walks over to the table. He dumps everything into a bin and wipes it down.

“Dae,” another coworker calls.

“Yeah?”

“Going to the movies tonight, you wanna come with?”

Daehyun moves on to the adjoining table and begins clearing it as well. “There’re no good movies playing now.”

“Come on, you haven’t come out with us in a while,” she presses.

Daehyun finally stops wiping to face the girl intent on his presence. “Is someone gonna pick me up?”

The girl nods enthusiastically, grinning from ear to ear. Daehyun takes a moment to think.

“Please oppa,” she pleads with a pout.

Daehyun cringes, “How many times did I tell you to not call me that?”

She sticks her tongue out, Daehyun proceeding to clear the table.

“Please?” she squeaks. He caves, “Who’s going?”

“Not sure, but Taeri is bringing some of her friends.”

He lifts an unconvinced brow, rolling his eyes with her laced fingers begging for compliance.

“Fine.”

-

Daehyun stands among his group of friends, staring at the board in the box office at the list of movie titles and times.

“Oh, Taeri’s here,” Eunjo says. 

Daehyun hears her, but in all honesty, he doesn’t give a damn. It’s not until he hears them giggling to one another about how cute the boys she brought are that his interest spikes and his attention averts to a crowd of boys that he finds disappointing save for one. He leans to whisper in Taeri’s ear, “Who’s the one with the sharp nose, slender chin and sexy cat eyes?”

“That’s Myungsoo.” 

Daehyun grins with the discovery of a possible prospect. Perhaps this night won’t be as bad and boring as he feared. Once inside the theater, they find themselves in the ever persistent dilemma of who’s sitting by who. Taeri initiates the lineup, taking Daehyun in one hand and Myungsoo in the other, pulling them behind her down a row near the back and leans over to whisper to Daehyun, “You’re welcome.”

The lights dim in time to hide the crimson flooding Daehyun’s cheeks. Myungsoo offers him some popcorn only to be declined with a shy grin.

“Hey, Myungsoo.”

Myungsoo and Daehyun both turn to the right to a guy with a rather large nose waving vigorously at him.

“Yeah?”

“Switch seats. Kyung is being a pain in the ass.”

Daehyun watches in despair as Myungsoo complies, getting up to shimmy down the aisle and takes a seat on the other end as this oaf takes his place.

“I heard this movie is supposed to be good,” the guy whispers all too close for Daehyun’s comfort. He leans away in annoyance though the oaf doesn’t seem to notice.

“I’m Jiho by the way.”

When Daehyun remains an uninterested statue, eyes on the screen, Jiho nods, finally catching the hint. About halfway through the movie, Daehyun is surprised to find that the oaf is right, the movie is actually quite enjoyable and just when things start getting intense, a flimsy box is shoved in front of his face. Daehyun slaps it away in utter annoyance, shooting a disbelieving glare at the oaf who sinks into his chair, box flush against his chest.

When the movie is over, they decide on a restaurant in the area and somehow Taeri works her pushy magic to seat Myungsoo next to Daehyun again. To his dismay, the glory is short lived when the oaf beckons his sexy cat man once again.

“Geez, Myungie. Help me out. Seriously this guy is such a pain in the ass,” Jiho glares at Kyung and for a second time that night, Daehyun watches his future-ex-boyfriend walk away.

Daehyun is done. He’s giving up because, hell, this sadistic oaf is more of a cockblock than a grandma busting out baby photos. He slams his forehead into the tabletop repeatedly only to have it cupped by an unwelcome hand. Jiho releases Daehyun’s head after a few napkins are safely tucked under it and warns sweetly, “You’re gonna hurt yourself.”

That’s the point, Daehyun thinks, rolling his eyes and when he lifts his head from its resting spot a single napkin is stuck, curling over the tip of his nose. Myungsoo chuckles quietly and Daehyun can’t help the red that seems to flood his cheeks as he rips the napkin from sight, knocking his glass over.

“Shit,” he curses and stands to soak the mess.

Myungsoo comes to the rescue with an abundance of napkins and slides his own glass over with a smile comforting enough to ease Daehyun’s increasing embarrassment. “You can have mine.”

And just as the younger reaches to take the glass that provided the opportunity of an indirect kiss, Jiho hands it back. “They’ll give him another one.”

At this point, Daehyun is ready to punch this guy, eyes pinched into demonic slits, drilling holes through Jiho’s skull. Luckily, Eunjo announces the arrival of their food and Daehyun’s innate instinct to devour anything moderately edible lures him away from his impending victim and to the plethora of deliciousness awaiting him.

-

“Myungie, can you give Daehyun a ride home?” Taeri asks, pushing the latter toward him. Myungsoo nods, but a voice interjects, “Actually Myung has somewhere to go. I can take him.”

Taeri sees the look on Daehyun’s face and turns to Jiho.

“Uh, where does he have to go? It’s kind of late to be going anywhere else, right?”

Myungsoo replies this time, rubbing the back of his head with an apologetic grin, “I have to meet my parents. We have some relatives in town this week. I was actually supposed to leave right after the movie, but I’ll chance getting yelled at for some good food,” he laughs.

Daehyun bites his bottom lip, unable to argue and bids the others farewell as he trails behind the oaf, feet dragging noticeably loud.

“Well that was fun, huh?” Jiho smiles wide, opening the door for Daehyun. He doesn’t answer, just pulls the door shut and Jiho half laughs to himself, shrugging it off.

“Damn cockblocker,” Daehyun mumbles into the silence of the car.

It’s a very long, very quiet drive home. Jiho gets out to open the door for the younger just as any gentlemen would, but Daehyun is already out and a fair ways down the front lawn by the time he rounds the car. Jiho calls out, “It was nice to me-” but stops when answered with a second door slamming and recovers with a readjustment of his jacket.

-

Daehyun's phone vibrates. He pulls it from his pocket, screen lit with a text from Taeri.

 **TR** : Sorry

 **DH** : Not your fault the oaf is a cockblocking bastard

 **TR** : We’re going out again on Friday if you wanna come. Myung will be there ;)

 **DH** : Will the oaf be there?

 **TR** : Yes. Dae, he’s a nice guy

 **DH** : I don’t give a fuck. But I’ll go. For Myungie haha

“Why are you smiling?” Jongup asks as he enters Daehyun's room, making him drop his phone onto the sheets with a quick, “Nothing.”

Jongup raises a brow, but leaves it at that. Daehyun picks his phone back up with a smile, though it doesn’t last long because the oaf pops into his head and he flips to bury his face into his pillow.

\- - -

“Where’s Myungsoo?” Daehyun asks, craning his neck to look over the crowd of people loitering in the way.

“Hello to you, too,” Taeri says with a shake of her head.

To Daehyun’s delight, his cat man is walking toward them and unfortunately so is the oaf, waving idiotically. They make their way inside, but Daehyun is too busy taking in the beauty that is Kim Myungsoo to notice. He's almost too stunning to be real, Daehyun thinks. Such perfect skin and that smile, oh goodness that smile that turns his eyes into crescents and all the charm in the world concentrates into those impeccable dimples. Unfortunately, his drooling adoration is interrupted when a nose too large to fit on a normal human face eclipses his view and he takes a few steps back to adjust properly on a pair of eyes uncomfortably close.

“We’re going inside, come on,” Jiho smiles, tugging at his sleeve.

Daehyun snaps his arm away and scoffs, “Have you heard of personal space?”

They join the group huddled together to find out that teams are being decided. As names are being called, Daehyun fidgets in place. He hates teams, especially when he’s part of the lineup because he isn’t exactly mister popular. Daehyun isn’t the most extravagant of social butterflies, either chatting off every ear he comes into contact with or completely ignoring people’s feeble attempts to talk to him.

Inevitably, he finds himself in the predicament of standing awkwardly before a string of eyes, strenuously avoiding each and every one. It’s torture watching everyone else get picked as the line trickles down to the last of the bunch and he tugs nervously at the hem of his shirt until he hears his name being called and thankfully, he’s not last.

The game commences with a seemingly even start. Jiho smirks at the sight of Daehyun wandering from place to place trying to find a spot comfortable enough to satisfy his lazy self. Jiho kicks Jihoon’s foot, tells him to get up and the younger complies, but not without a fight, “But you’re not on our team.”

Jiho pushes Jihoon’s forehead with a finger to avoid the aegyo about to be unleashed to regain possession of a seat suited for someone else.

“Hyunie,” Jiho calls softly.

Daehyun doesn’t move, gaze glued to the ball flying down the lane and into the gutter.

Jiho tries again louder this time, “Hey, Hyunie.”

Miyoung taps Daehyun and points to the oaf motioning at the seat next to him.

“What?” he asks dryly.

Jiho pats the vacant seat, “Come sit, Hyunie.”

“What the fuck is Hyunie?” Daehyun snaps, too harshly for the others to ignore, Myungsoo included. Daehyun immediately regrets how easily callousness slips from his lips as he glances at Myungsoo before taking the seat that Jiho offered in some sort of attempt at redeeming himself.

-

The opposing team is winning by just a bit, either team’s fate left in Jiho’s hands. Both sides fall silent, eyes intent on the ball hanging from Jiho’s fingers. He turns to face them.

“Uh, this isn’t nerve-wrecking or anything,” he jokes, palms dampening by the second.

Kyung shoots from his seat. “Just throw the damn ball!”

Taeil smirks, “No pressure.”

Jiho finds solace in the form of a middle finger and turns back to exhale, letting the ball go. Jiho’s team shrieks in victory. Daehyun is the first to take the victor into his arms, Jiho’s cheeks flushing with the realization of whose body is currently pressed against him. The group disperses once the excitement dies down and a hand falls heavy on Daehyun’s shoulder, one he hadn’t expected.

“You’re pretty good,” Myungsoo compliments.

Daehyun shakes his head sheepishly, stumbling over his words, laughter shushing him into shameful silence.

Myungsoo smiles, “You should hang with us more often.”

Their conversation continues with Myungsoo doing most of the talking, Daehyun unable to provide more than a word or two, but the elder doesn’t mind. In fact, he doesn’t mind the lack of eye contact either or the pink that seems to be permanently stained across Daehyun's cheeks.

“Hey, isn’t that Jongup?” Taeri asks no one in particular, looking to the other end of the bowling alley.

“Jongupie!” she calls out.

Jongup waves and makes his way over, pulling someone along with him, someone that apparently doesn’t want to be seen. Yongguk keeps his head cocked at an angle that shields him from the only pair of eyes he’s afraid to meet.

“Jongup, you just missed it. The scores were so close and, ooh, who’s your friend?” Taeri smiles at the taller of the two.

“This is Yongguk.”

Multiple introductions later, Jongup apologizes for his inevitable failure to remember names. Daehyun had been watching the entire time, unable to control the pounding in his chest.

“Why are you so quiet?” Myungsoo asks, taking a seat next to him.

“Yeah, you okay?” Jiho adds on.

Daehyun nods, but his face says otherwise.

Jiho leans forward, “Do you wanna get out of here?”

At the mention of an escape, Daehyun is quick to get on his feet. It’s the oaf, he knows, but any opportunity to leave right now is worth whatever idiocy he has to endure in the moments to come. He starts heading toward the exit and Jiho looks to Myungsoo in confusion. “Is that a yes?”

Myungsoo shrugs, “I guess?”

Jiho laughs, dashing after the younger. “Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere but here.”

-

Yongguk sits awkwardly at the end of a table while Jongup catches up with his friends. Girls giggle to themselves, scooting chairs closer to Yongguk.

“Hi,” Miyoung breaks the silence. Yongguk grins as convincingly as possible.

“So, do you have a girlfriend?” Eunjo cuts in, the others slapping either arm to refrain their friend.

“What? I’m just asking," she says.

Yongguk chuckles a little and Eunjo continues, “Do you _want_ a girlfriend?”

His smile drops. He needs to get out of here.

“Hello?” he pulls his phone from his pocket, presses it to his ear and waves with an apologetic smile as he gets up to leave. He whispers, “I’m sorry, ladies, but I have to take this.”

He can hear the other two reprimand Eunjo for being so blunt and scaring the hot guy away and grins to himself, slowly making it to the exit. His thoughts drift to Daehyun and the events that played out earlier.

When he came in with Jongup a couple of hours ago, he had no idea what he’d be getting himself into until he went to get a little something to snack on. He caught sight of a familiar face and the more he watched, the more envy grew seeing Daehyun smile among a group of friends, but it’s when Daehyun looked at one of them in particular that he felt the threat of losing overcome him. That guy had a petite face and acute features that complimented it well. When Yongguk returned to his seat next to Jongup, the younger took note of his preoccupied cousin, asking what the other was looking at.

“Nothing,” Yongguk replied swiftly.

Throughout the night, Yongguk tried his best to be invested in the game they were currently playing, but every now and then his eyes drifted to the left and each time he looked, Daehyun was either smiling at or talking to that damn guy. Yongguk slumped into his chair, letting reality seep further into his being.

An eruption of cheers called their attention and this time even Jongup looked.

“Hey, look it’s Dae,” he stated.

Yongguk tried not to look, but curiosity got the better of him and he looked over to see Daehyun hugging _another_ guy. Yongguk has had enough, too far gone to regain his repose. 

Someone calling out to Jongup brought Yongguk out of his death glare set on Myungsoo’s head and the next thing he knew, he was being pulled by his cousin to come face to face with the enemy.

All he wants is to have the only person that ever meant anything to him back.

And there he is walking out the door with someone else.

\- - -

The following weeks go by quickly. Daehyun adapts to Jiho’s presence, becoming relatively fond of him, however obscure the term may be.

Regrettably, Daehyun comes across information he’d much rather have gone without knowing: Myungsoo has a girlfriend. The disheartening truth thwarts him into a state of delusional denial, but it isn’t enough to discourage the younger from partaking in outings and it pleases Jongup to see that perhaps the old Daehyun isn’t completely gone. In fact, Daehyun has been inviting friends over – Myungsoo among the masses of course – and Jongup usually gives a knowing grin that Daehyun doesn’t fight because he knows he’s right: look, but don’t touch.

Yongguk becomes uneasy when the hangout sessions turn into a regular thing. Every time he passes the living room to go elsewhere, he sneaks a glance at the boisterous group strewn about, only bothering to recognize the two guys that Daehyun seemed smitten with at the bowling alley and to his relief, Jongup informs him of Myungsoo’s girlfriend. Now the only threat is the guy with the big nose, as Yongguk likes to refer to him, finding childish satisfaction in the nickname.

Hours pass and the group shrinks in numbers until just big nose is left. Yongguk suppresses the jealousy brewing; glare clawing into Jiho’s head as if it will telekinetically remove him from the premises.

Yongguk is too far to hear any of their conversation, but he can see the smile big nose has splayed across his face as Daehyun talks, hands moving to add some sort of visual to his story. The elder feels a twinge the longer he stares. There’s so much more to Jiho's smile and maybe Daehyun can’t see it, but Yongguk can. This kid really likes Daehyun.

Yongguk switches to watch Daehyun who seems overwhelmed with exuberance, something he’s been deprived of for far too long. Truth weighs down on him and he slides off the stool, fleeing out the door and onto the street. Faces blur as he trudges along.

He’s never imagined a world where Daehyun was with anyone other than himself and seeing Daehyun happy with someone else makes everything he’s reassured himself of fall to pieces.

At last, Yongguk’s past comes back to haunt him in the form of a big-nosed goofball too dumb to see that Daehyun doesn't even like him. He doesn't like him, right? All this time Yongguk never quite coped with the consequences of his actions because even though he lost Daehyun, Daehyun never really left. But now there is proof sitting on their couch making Daehyun smile the way he once did.

The next thing Yongguk knows, he’s in a field. Somehow it’s familiar and he ventures further, finding himself climbing the side of a hill to a bent tree and once fingers run over the weathered bark, it all comes flooding back.

This spot is where so many nights were spent cuddling, laughing, living. To some it may have been cliché, but to them it was nothing less than perfect. They talked of many things, reminiscing on happier times.

He settles into the crook of the trunk, nestles fingers into the green around him.

\---

Daehyun ascends the stairs, stops at the top, stares at the door straight ahead.

Slowly, he peeks his head through the threshold and to no surprise, the mess is still there, though this time there’s a small box jutting from beneath the bed. Daehyun gives the area a scan and enters.

He is quick to pull the box out, eyes rounding at the contents. A plethora of envelopes all adorned with his handwriting line the bottom as various trinkets lay on top. A smaller jewelry box is neatly wrapped in sheer cloth, tucked into the corner. His heart pace quickens when he picks it up, uncovers the surface and when the lid is flipped open, his breathing stops.

He sucks a sharp breath in and gives in to the smile tugging at his lips. Carefully he places it back down, chokes back the grip tightening his throat when tears begin welling. So many memories are bound to each and every thing in that box and as he shoves it back under the bed, he wonders why Yongguk kept all of it.

Frustration leads him back to his own room and he falls hard to the floor. How can someone who tore his world apart be capable of piecing it back together? 

A light drizzle taps against the window, the uneven tempo lulling him to sleep. He partially wakes when arms slide beneath him, lifting him to the comfort of the bed. Gently, the blanket is placed over him and fingers brush strands from his eyes, stroking his cheek before leaving. Through heavy lids Daehyun pries one eye open enough to see Yongguk closing the door and once again slumber claims him.

\---

Yongguk halts when he enters from the side door to see that big nose is here again. His tongue twists to the side, unable to take anymore.

“Hey.”

Jiho stops laughing, cranes his neck toward the voice.

“You,” Yongguk barks.

Jiho exchanges looks with Daehyun and turns back to the elder with a finger pointed at himself for verification. Yongguk curls his bottom lip taut over his teeth and nods.

“Why are you always here? Don’t you have any other friends?” he spits.

Jongup is quick at his cousin’s side, “Hey, calm down.”

Yongguk ignores the younger, continues to spew venom, “Go play somewhere else,” and with that he fumes up the stairs.

Jongup looks to Jiho, “I’m so sorry I don’t know what that was about. I honestly have never seen him like that before.”

Jiho shakes his head, though slightly thrown by the outburst. The tiniest smirk forms when Daehyun realizes exactly what Jiho’s presence does to Yongguk. It isn’t that Daehyun wants revenge because in all honesty he never wants anyone to feel the way he did. It’s just that he thinks it’s a bit amusing that the mere sight of Jiho can crawl under Yongguk’s skin.

\---

Daehyun finds it amazing how easy everything is with Jiho. He never has to fake a smile, he can whine all he wants, and he can actually be himself. Not to say that there weren’t times when Jiho took things offensively. But the more Daehyun pushed him away the more drawn to him he became and he couldn’t quite figure out why.

\---

Jongup tries to pull Daehyun from the mattress only to have the half-conscious lump fall to the floor and he leaves, shaking his head. A threat from across the hall finally awakens the sleeping beauty and groggily, he lifts himself.

Thirty minutes later and Daehyun emerges from his room fresh-faced. Jongup tosses a towel to him, both heading down the stairs.

“Wait!” Yongguk calls after them, lugging his own bag and towel along.

Jongup takes note of the borrowed board shorts the elder is dawning and lifts a brow, “Hyung, what are you doing?”

“Going with you guys.”

-

Daehyun perks up when their friends come into sight. Jongup trails behind with Yongguk and questions once again. “Not saying that I don't want you here, but uh, why did you come with?”

Yongguk smirks, keeps his eyes set on big nose. “I can’t let you guys have all the fun.”

-

Jiho tugs at Daehyun’s arm as they head into the water.

“Come on, the food will be here when you get back,” he laughs.

Yongguk sinks his fingers deep into the sand, hoping the compressed grains are enough to hold him in place as he watches Daehyun pull the shirt over his head. They wade through the currents, splashing one another and Yongguk’s eyes follow the flow of water trickling down Daehyun’s chest to his navel down to his-

“Watch out!”

Yongguk is shaken from gawking when a football plummets into his arm and to Jongup’s relief he isn’t mad, just tosses it back. Jongup is in the middle of an apology when the elder turns his attention to a shriek as Jiho tosses Daehyun into the water and that’s when he is done.

Envy burns within and its enough to lift him from the sand. He assures Jongup that it is all right and waits for him to return to his game. He looks to the ocean again. Daehyun is back on his feet and once his eyes roam in Yongguk’s direction, the elder begins lifting his shirt.

Daehyun finds himself straight up staring, mouth slightly agape, not caring that in the middle of an all out splash session, he is just standing. Silently, he pleads for Yongguk to hurry up, but to his dismay the elder actually seems to move even slower. The exposed skin, muscles toned, taunt Daehyun and try as he might, he can’t bring himself to look away. The grueling strip tease finally ends, but the show isn’t over yet. Yongguk gives his head a flick, hair falling just the right way and when Daehyun is sure he can’t take anymore, Yongguk runs his tongue to gloss over his lips.

Daehyun can feel his blood pumping faster and by the time he comes to realize it, he drops into the water praying that no one noticed the not-so-little surprise below that came out to say hello.

He sees Jiho coming closer and submerges himself, nodding fervently when asked if he is okay. Jiho shrugs and swims a fair distance away, which is enough for Daehyun to close his eyes and think of the most repulsive things he can that will suppress little Dae.

-

A game of chicken has started and Jiho motions for Daehyun to prop upon his shoulders. He’s hesitant at first, but complies and when their turn arrives, he is up against Myungsoo. They take hold of each other’s arms not to deter the opponent, but rather the opposite. When boos from the girls instigate boos from the others, Myungsoo apologizes and sends Daehyun crashing into the water.

A gummy smile greets Daehyun when he surfaces and upon encouragement from the others, the pair team up for a round. The younger isn’t keen on the idea, but obliges and Yongguk whispers before being mounted, “I won’t let you fall.”

The next thing Daehyun knows he’s in the air facing an intimidating Hoya. Daehyun has no intention of winning, in fact, he can’t wait for this to be over so that he can swim far away, though the look in Hoya’s eyes is one he isn’t ready to take on. The gap closes between them and Hoya doesn’t hesitate to go in for the kill. Daehyun flails his arms, but Yongguk keeps strong to his promise and leans forward, grip moving up to the younger’s knee. They go at it for a second time and to everyone’s surprise, Yongguk’s clever maneuvering sends Hoya into the water when his lunge has no one to impact. Yongguk sinks beneath the surface, lets Daehyun dismount and when he resurfaces, he lifts a palm flat for a high-five.

“You did good,” he smiles.

Daehyun just stares, pokes the center of Yongguk’s palm with his finger and swims away. Yongguk looks at his hand, encloses his fingers and smiles.

It’s a start.


	6. Never Easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning** : implied sexual content. idk if i'm properly warning this, but I know that there are people who are sensitive to this type of content and prefer to not read it at all, so I wanted to put a warning here. to skip it, scroll to the second "---".
> 
>  **Note** : there is a recurring theme and quote that originates in this scene, however, so I will include it in the end note.

The clock shows 3:02 in the morning. Daehyun lies, gaze shifting around the bare wall across the room. The house is static save for the occasional snore down the hall. He closes his eyes, desperate for sleep, but thoughts of earlier come rushing back. 

White cotton creeps up Yongguk's sides, hipbones now visible. Daehyun bites his bottom lip as seduction mocks in the form of a smirk and he reaches out just as the vision blurs to black. 

"Shit."

He shuts his lids again, though this time a different scene plays in his head - that of the night he gave himself up to Yongguk.

Thick lips mold to his own, commanding yet soft. One hand is cradling the nape of his neck, the other travels slow, lines the dip of a shoulder blade, entices through cotton with a touch barely there.  Daehyun breathes heavy into the other’s ear, “Yongguk,” it comes out more of a whimper and it’s enough to make the elder want more.

Daehyun gasps when he’s guided back into a wall, a different kind of thrill rousing. He likes this side of Yongguk, one seldom seen and he doesn’t have to wait long before a mouth claims his once more. There’s something about the way Yongguk has him pressed against the wall, hands hungry that causes Daehyun to arch into the other. Fingers rake through tresses, tugging just enough to establish dominance and the younger's head rolls back with a breath that leaves him as nips are taken along his heightened pulse.

The younger is too overwhelmed with need to realize his shirt is being unbuttoned and carelessly tossed aside until an eager mouth is venturing lower. Yongguk moves back up to take a lobe between his lips and he sucks just enough to incite a mewl from the other. He smirks and moves lower, grazing the subtle jaw with the tip of his nose and when light nibbles tease at the younger’s collarbone, Daehyun whispers, “Wait.” His command wavers with fear, grip clutching nervously around Yongguk’s wrist.

The gleam in the elder’s eyes dissipates when their gazes meet and he pushes himself from the bed in guilt. “I’m sorry, Dae. I didn't mean to pressure-”

“No, it’s okay,” Daehyun reassures. Yongguk runs a hand over his face, sits on the edge of the bed. Daehyun pulls him close. “I want to.”

Yongguk places a kiss atop the younger’s forehead. “We don’t have to.”

“No, I really want to. I’m just nervous. I don’t want to be one of those cases where the guy dumps the girl when he’s done screwing her. I’m not saying you’re gonna do that, I’m just. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Dae.”

Daehyun buries his face into the other’s chest. “This is embarassing. I don't know why I'm so nervous. I mean it's _you_. Right? It's you. I just...You'll still be here after right?”

Yongguk strokes a comforting hand along Daehyun’s back.

“Of course, you idiot. I love you. And I’ll love you tomorrow. And every day after that.”

\---

A sharp gasp cuts through the silence. Daehyun shoots up, eyes darting around the darkness. It was just a dream.

It takes a good minute before his breathing calms to a slower rhythm. He takes a glance down, rubbing a disapproving palm over his face and lifts the blanket reluctantly to find a dark spot trailing down his thigh. He dares to peek beneath his boxers, revealing a sticky mess thinly strained between the cotton and his smothered skin. Carefully, he slides off the mattress and creeps toward the door, twisting the knob quietly and as lightly as he can, tiptoes down the hall trying desperately to keep his boxers from rubbing uncomfortably against him. A faint creak stops him dead in his tracks, eyes widening in horror when a blonde figure fathoms before him. Fuck.

Yongguk yawns; something in his peripherals catches his eye and as he turns, he nearly falls to the floor in shock. Daehyun can only stand there, awkwardly positioning his hands in front of partially crossed legs. Yongguk doesn’t quite know how to react, meekly lifting an arm in a sad attempt to wave and tugs the corner of his lips in a half smile. Even if Daehyun wants to wave back he can’t so he reverts to his first line of defense: ignoring and it seems to work because Yongguk disappears down the stairs.

With the click of the front door, Daehyun lifts a hand to hold his chest and scurries to the bathroom with haste. A chunk of sodden toilet paper lays crumpled in the trash as Daehyun makes his way back to the safety of his room, eager to switch out of the dank pair of underwear he is currently sporting. Hopping back into bed, he glances at the clock only now realizing that it’s nearly six in the morning and he wonders what Yongguk is doing up so early. He watches the second hand rotate around the clock’s face and drifts back to sleep.

\---

Daehyun’s nose twitches and eyes flutter open, focuses on a piece of pink attached to his face. He sits up and plucks it from his forehead. It’s a sticky note with very poor penmanship scribbled across its surface.

          _Happy birthday! Follow the notes to your surprise!_

His gaze falls from the sticky note to the floor where little cutout musical notes are strewn in a crooked path, eyes rolling with the cheesy cliché. He isn’t big on surprises. A groan leaves his lips as he lifts himself from the sheets, slowly trudging down the hall to the bathroom whilst the notes veer otherwise. He finishes brushing, dries his face and through fairly open eyes sighs at another post-it stuck to the mirror. He snatches it with a scoff.

          _I knew you wouldn’t follow instructions. Such a stubborn butt. Just follow the notes. Please?_

Daehyun gives his reflection a stare, glances back down to the sticky and tosses it in the trash. He’s about to go back to his room, but flicks a quick look at the black eighth note calling out to him at the top of the staircase. He takes a moment with hands tucked into his pockets and although ready to defy, something compels him down the stairs. The trail leads to the kitchen where a package sits on the island and he scans the living room for the culprit. Hesitantly, he tucks his bottom lip between his teeth and pokes at the plastic, evaluating its contents.

“Something better not jump out at me,” he says aloud. He unravels the knot with caution. “Cheesecake!” Another note is stuck to the lid.

          _Don’t forget to breathe between bites._

Half a slice – if it can be called a slice - becomes mush in a matter of seconds, Daehyun chomping happily away at the savory treat. Jongup enters, catching him mid chew. The elder halts. He’s quite the sight, he imagines and with the chuckle Jongup offers, he’s wiping remnants from his chin.

“Couldn’t even wait to grab a fork?”

Daehyun sucks at the tips of his fingers with mouth still full and manages a “thank you”.

“Thank you for what?”

Daehyun points to the mutilated cheesecake and the other shakes his head. “That’s not from me.” 

Daehyun struggles to swallow. There’s only one other person in this house. Before he can convince himself without defiance, Jongup speaks. “Oh, happy birthday! Even though it’s already noon. What're we gonna do today?”

“I have work. 2-10.”

“What? Your boss didn’t give you the day off? Well, what do you wanna do after work?”

Daehyun shrugs, shoving another handful into his mouth, jaw straining to fit it in one go.

\---

“I don’t know if this is gonna work. He’s gonna see it,” Hoon says apprehensively. 

Yongguk pokes his tongue between parted lips that curl up into a smile as he steps back to revel at his work. “If we hang it so that the inside is facing out, then he won’t see it.” Yongguk places the apron onto the rack accordingly. Hoon grins with hands cupping his hips.

“When I first met you I thought you were crazy, but I gotta admit you’ve got perseverance.”

Yongguk chuckles and looks around the café. “Thanks for letting me do this.”

Hoon rests a hand on his shoulder. “No prob. You’re lucky boss is off today,” he grins, “You know, I never thought I’d befriend someone I found in a bush.”

Yongguk laughs, “I know what you mean, six dollars.”

Hoon’s grin drops. “I told you to stop calling me that. When I found you that day, my shift had just started so that was the only tip I had! Geez, this guy.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, six dollars.”

“Seriously!” Hoon shouts with eyes squinted.

Yongguk chortles, “I’m joking.”

Hoon whips at him with the corner of a towel and walks to the back to get ready to open. Yongguk heads to the front, sits at the counter lining the kitchen. He remembers the day that he met Hoon and how crazy he felt creeping on Daehyun. He thought that for sure Hoon would tell Daehyun, but he never did. In fact, Hoon would come outside every afternoon and give Yongguk a café mocha 'on the house', sometimes staying to chat before being called to get back to work. It was a routine with an unconventional start that blossomed into a good friendship.

When Yongguk left for the States, Hoon promised to keep him updated, but was declined. Yongguk confessed that the reason he was leaving was to forget, though Hoon knew better. Things weren’t that easy and even if he ran, the past will eventually catch up to him. The only thing anyone can do is to move forward, yet Yongguk wasn’t willing to listen, much less comply.

Hoon sympathized with the guy. Though there was nothing he could do but watch the two try to live their days separately and it didn’t take a keen eye to see the struggle behind Daehyun’s smile. He assumed Yongguk was having just as hard a time.

\---

Daehyun enters through the side door, rolls his sleeves up to mid forearm.

“Happy birthday!” his coworkers chime.

He offers an appreciative smile and heads to the back, tying his apron neatly around his waist. Hoon struggles to stifle a grin when Daehyun passes to get to the front, holds a finger to his lips when Eunjo takes note of the little banner pinned to Daehyun’s apron. With full attention placed on the bag of coffee beans in hand, Daehyun plops it onto the counter and just as he’s about to open it, his mouth parts agape.

The entire café is adorned with bright colors, streamers hanging along walls, loops spaced evenly out. The windows sport drawings that look as if a kindergartener drew them; most are stick figures bouncing about. 'Happy birthday, Daehyun!' is scribbled on each panel. Balloons flood the ceiling, each with a face messily drawn on. Even the mugs are littered with pathetic looking, but adorable nonetheless doodles.

“Oh my god,” he sputters.

Hoon slings an arm around his shoulders.

“Did you guys do all of this?”

Hoon shakes his head, examines the room himself, “Actually no. It’s your secret admirer.”

Daehyun brightens when he contemplates his options. Maybe it was Myungsoo. Maybe he broke up with whatsherface and finally realized his feelings for Daehyun.

Hoon hops away with a wink, “I couldn’t get boss to give you the day off, but he compromised in letting you leave early.”

Daehyun nods. Perhaps this day won’t be too bad a birthday after all.

-

Among the afternoon crowd, a few familiar faces emerge. Daehyun comes from behind the counter to greet his friends. Taeri is the first to point out the new embellishment on his apron and the others join in on the laughter. Daehyun follows her notion to a little banner pinned to the bottom of his apron and rips it off, scanning the group for Jiho. He gives an apologetic look when he sees the slight grin Jiho has plastered on, noting the uneasiness of whether or not to be appalled.

“This wasn’t me I swear. I don’t know who put that there.”

Jiho puts little effort in presenting a more convincing grin, “It’s okay. It’s…cute.”

Daehyun’s lips purse and with a short dismissal, he heads to the back.

“Who did this?” he spits, holding the scrunched banner in his fist.

Hoon puffs out his cheeks. “That…was your admirer too.”

Daehyun pulls the banner taut and reads it aloud, “Jiho is a pooface.” He glares back at Hoon. “Is my admirer a five year old?”

Hoon doesn’t answer, averts his gaze to the floor. Daehyun throws it into the trash and rethinks his options. Myungsoo wouldn’t do something like that, so who is it?

\---

The end of his shift comes quicker than he anticipates and just as he heads for the door, Hoon’s voice blares from behind, “Dae!”

He spins around to find Hoon rushing toward him and is puzzled when the latter takes hold of his wrist and hauls him to the front. Daehyun glances around the room awkwardly.

“What’s going on?”

He spots a microphone and speaker near the end of the counter, wondering when exactly it was set up because he swears he didn’t see it earlier. Suddenly, his eyes round and he frames both hands around his face.

“Oh my god is someone gonna perform? Is it Big Bang? T.O.P oppa!” he nearly screams, frantically looking around. Hoon takes hold of his friend. 

“Shhh. No, it’s not…T.O.P oppa. Oh my god, you just called T.O.P, oppa.” Hoon presses a palm to his face, recovers from a small bit of laughter and returns his attention to Daehyun.

“This doesn’t leave the café,” Daehyun threatens.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell T.O.P oppa.”

Daehyun gives Hoon’s arm a good whack and he steps back with a smile. “I’m just teasing. Here, this is for you,” Hoon says, taking a small makeshift envelope from his pocket and hands it to the other. Daehyun snatches it with a glare and flips it over. He slides a note out and reads. “You always said you give the public what they want. Well, get up there and knock ‘em out.”

Daehyun’s heart skips a beat. He looks to Hoon and shakes his head, adamantly declining the spotlight. Hoon pouts, “Come on, Dae. Your voice is awesome. Just sing one song.” He holds up an index finger. Daehyun shakes his head violently this time, cheeks beginning to flush. Hoon steps up to the microphone. “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. Today is our Daehyunie’s birthday." He motions to Daehyun standing on the side. The customers clap and Daehyun can feel his cheeks getting hotter.

“As you can see, he was blessed with the looks of an angel, am I right? He’s also got the voice of one, but he’s a bit shy. Do you think you can get him to sing?”

The room erupts with encouraging cheers and finally, Daehyun gives in. Nervously, he steps up to the microphone. He takes an uneasy glance at Hoon and whispers, “I don’t even know what to sing.”

Hoon smiles, “Whatever comes to mind.”

Slowly he exhales, fingers draped over the microphone.

-

“Why did you make me do that?” Daehyun barks.

Hoon holds his hands up in defense. “I was only doing what I was asked. It’s all your secret admirer.”

“You can tell my secret admirer to kiss my ass,” Daehyun grimaces.

Hoon pokes at his side. “You did good. Don’t be a downer.” He slides his hand into his pocket, feels something within and takes it out. “Oh yeah! Here’s another one,” he says, handing it to Daehyun who’s more than reluctant to accept it. 

“I don’t know if I want to read that. I think I’ve had enough surprises for one day.”

Hoon grins, “Someone put a lot of effort into planning all of this for you. I think the least you can do is read a note, don’t you think?”

Daehyun nods with a sigh, unable to argue, and heads outside. He taps the envelope against his palm, pondering whether or not to open it. A minute of deliberation prompts his thumb nail to peel away at the sealed flap and slowly he reveals the note.

          _Mission two: Happy birthday, Daedae. Completion: pending._

Daehyun freezes. This is Yongguk. Everything was Yongguk. There’s a small arrow pointing to the back and his brows pinch together as he flips the paper over.

          _A cab is waiting outside. It’ll take you to your next destination. I know you don’t like surprises so here’s the final one. You’ve probably figured out by now who’s behind all of this_

_so it's up to you if you decide to come. I’ll understand if you don’t. I hope that you at least enjoyed the cheesecake._

The note trembles between fingers gripping too tight, Daehyun’s throat constricting with eyes glossing over.

-

Yongguk stands alone under the darkening sky. He checks his watch for the umpteenth time and continues to scan the area for any sign of Daehyun. Anxiously, he rocks on his heels, grip tightening around the bouquet, patiently waiting and perilously hoping.

-

Tiny drops splatter across the note, smearing the ink surrounding it. Daehyun sniffles into quivering hands wiping at the tears he’s trying so hard to stop. He stumbles along the side of the building, stuffs the note into his pocket and collects himself. As he rounds the corner to the front of the café, he finds a cab waiting just as the note stated and he stands for a moment, heart pounding just a little faster. He glances back to the café, ready to find refuge within.

-

The air grows colder with the prolonged wait and not once does Yongguk bother to sit. His gaze sweeps over faces in the crowd, everyone a blur. He can feel the lingering stares of passersby, but he doesn’t care. The only thing that matters is the one person his eyes are desperately searching for. Thoughts of the aftermath begin to run through his mind. What if Daehyun doesn’t show up?

\---

Jongup checks his phone for the time, wondering where Daehyun is. It’s half past seven and he recalls Taeri saying that Daehyun gets off of work at six. He presses the call button, worry gripping at his throat.

“Hello?” Taeri answers.

“Tae, is Daehyun with you?”

“No, we’ve been waiting for him. He said he’d meet us at the karaoke bar by his work place like half an hour ago. He’s not answering his phone.”

“Okay, well I’ll call you if I find him.” Jongup scrolls through his contacts and presses the phone to his ear. “You’ve reached the voicemail box of-”

“Shit,” he mutters, hanging up and dashes out the door. Within half an hour, he’s outside of the café.

“Hello,” Hoon greets with a smile. Jongup is too preoccupied for cordial chitchat.

“Hi, uh, is Daehyun still here?” 

Hoon gives a quizzical look, “No, he left a while ago. Why?”

“Do you know where he went?” Jongup asks, looking around the room just in case.

“I’m not really sure. Someone planned some surprises for Daehyun’s birthday and the last thing I was aware of is that there was a cab that was supposed to take him somewhere, but I don’t know where.” 

Jongup takes a moment to process everything. “Do you know who set it all up?”

Hoon hesitates. Jongup can see the uncertainty in his eyes and elaborates, “I’m Daehyun's roommate. He didn’t come home yet and he isn't at his own birthday party, so I’m worried.”

Hoon forms an o with his mouth and utters, “Well, I don't know if you know the guy, but his name is Yongguk. He organized all of this.”

Jongup’s expression softens with relief and as quickly as he entered, he’s out the door with a thanks. Once outside, he spots a cab parked a few yards in front of him and he walks over, tapping the window softly. The driver rolls it down.

“Are you Daehyun?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry, this cab is reserved.” Before the driver has a chance to roll the window up, Jongup shouts, “Wait!” The driver looks back to the younger.

“Where are you supposed to take Daehyun?” Jongup asks.

“Look, kid, you’re the second person to ask me that. If you’re looking for him then I’m sorry, you’ve got the wrong person. I don’t know where he is. I was just paid to take him from here to Dongjak bridge,” the cab driver halts, clamping a hand over his mouth. Jongup smiles and gives the door an appreciative tap before running to his car.

-

Daehyun roams dimly lit streets, hands shoved into his pockets. The left clutches the note, thoughts revolving around its words. He had asked the taxi driver earlier where it was that he was supposed to take the designated passenger and at first the driver wouldn’t answer because Daehyun claimed not to be himself, but eventually he pried the answer out. Red Sky Cafe. Why does Yongguk want to take him there? What does he have planned? Why is he doing all of this?

Daehyun is torn. On one hand, he obstinately refuses to go because he finds no reason to. Yet, there's a tiny ounce of him that _wants_ to go. To know what Yongguk wants. To know if there’s more to it than just a simple birthday wish and (not admittedly) hoping that there is. He stops walking. He can deny and fight and refuse all he wants, but he can never run from it. His mind always leads him to havens far from pain, shielding him from anything and everything, but his heart always pulls him back. Back to where he wants to be. He had spent far too many months running from anything that could hurt him, shutting everything out and for what? Nothing. He had become the worst version of himself and it wasn’t until recently that he broke free from that shell.

Now, it’s time to face another facet of life he’s always avoided. It’s time to stop running. He closes his eyes, inhales deeply and contemplates. People always have to take risks to reap benefits. It's the bad experiences and mistakes that people learn from, but it’s what people choose to do with that, that determines their future. Daehyun takes a moment before turning around, staring intently into the distance.

The things worth fighting for are never easy.

-

Yongguk crouches, tucks the flowers snugly against his chest. Waiting isn’t the hard part; it is not knowing that is slowly chipping away at him. Two and a half hours of standing, optimistically anticipating, is taking its toll. He wants so badly to believe that the tiniest hints that Daehyun still wants him are real, but right now reality is hitting him so blatantly in the face and there’s no amount of hope he can hide behind.

Chatter and laughter fall lifeless around him. Bright lights seem dull against the background. He lifts a sleeve to glance at his watch once more and an inaudible sigh leaves his lips, corners anchored down in defeat. In a matter of seconds, his world falls to pieces. His eyes drop to the ground, watches the flowers slip from his fingers. Gently he brushes a petal with his thumb. Turmoil consumes him, the pain eventually easing into a numbing state as he accepts the truth.

There is nothing left to fight for.

It’s over.

It’s a bit of a struggle bringing himself from the ground, legs unstable beneath him. The flowers aren’t the only thing he leaves behind and he wants to forget everything. He wanders aimlessly through vacant streets, throat squeezing with tears welling up in despondent eyes, but he doesn’t fight it, just lets the tears go.

-

Daehyun arrives at Dongjak bridge at a quarter to ten, breathlessly panting. His legs are burning, but it’s the farthest thing on his mind. He scans the people around and when he finally catches his breath, ventures further toward the cafe. Something crinkles under his shoe - a bouquet of flowers lay on the ground. An envelope similar to the one he received earlier is attached to the base. Slowly, he detaches the envelope and slides the note from within. He can feel tears brimming once more and blinks as they cascade down the curve of already puffed cheeks. His voice is soft, cracking here and there as he reads.

“Dae, you have no idea how much it means to me that you showed up. You know that I’m not good with words so please excuse my lack of poetic writing. I know that it’s kind of stupid that I wrote this because you’re standing in front of me right now reading it, but like I said I’m not good with words. So at least if I sound idiotic, it won’t be coming out of my mouth,” Daehyun snorts a chuckle under broken breaths, “that was dumb…anyway, I hope you had a good day.”

Tears soak into the paper and he notices another arrow pointing to the back.

          _Mission two: Happy birthday, Daedae. Complete_.

Daehyun presses the note flush against his chest and lets the tears fall. Wails break into the night, the latter falling to pieces.

_The things worth fighting for are never easy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I love you. And I'll love you tomorrow. And every day after that." 
> 
> Basically, this is where they fully invest in one another, trusting each other completely and thus begins the solidarity of the relationship.


	7. Fool

Jongup spends the next hour searching, hopelessly wandering. Dongjak was a dead end so he’s banking on the karaoke bar where all of Daehyun's so-called friends are and as he makes his way in, the all too familiar slew of worry comes over him. Jiho is the only stagnant figure in the room. He catches sight of Jongup waving a frantic hand in his direction and awkwardly maneuvers through drunken bodies tossing about.

“Where’s Dae?” Jongup yells barely above the chaos.

Jiho shakes his head. “He never showed.”

“What?” Jongup more states than asks and drags the other outside. “Why aren’t you guys looking for him?”

“Everyone tried calling him, he never answered.”

Jongup sighs and without a word, flees to the parking lot, Jiho quick to chase. “Where are you going?” 

Jongup starts the car, but pauses when someone climbs into the passenger’s seat. “What are you doing?”

“Going with you,” Jiho replies, clicking the seatbelt into place. Jongup doesn’t have time to argue, just speeds out of the parking lot and in a matter of minutes he is screeching to a stop in their driveway, not even locking the car before dashing toward the front door. He throws a glance at Daehyun’s window, the light off.

“Dae!” he calls out, but it’s in vain because his room is empty. Slowly, he steps from the threshold, Jiho acknowledging the silence as defeat.

“Where do you think he went?” he asks to ease the tension.

“Do you think I’d be running around if I knew?” Jongup barks, frustration misdirected. “I’m sorry I’m just worried cause…” he trails off. Jiho waits for the rest, but a long pause follows.

“Cause what?”

Jongup shakes his head. “Never mind. It’s too much to explain right now. We just need to find Dae.”

“Why is it so important to find him right this second? Don’t you think you’re kinda overreacting?  He’s probably partying somewhere else.”

Jongup sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “In case you haven’t noticed, Daehyun isn’t the most likeable person. He doesn’t make friends easily, he doesn’t party, he doesn’t do a lot. It’s not without justification, but we’ll save that explanation for another day,” Jongup pauses a moment, “His ex is back in town and apparently he’s been setting up all these surprises for Daehyun for his birthday. The problem with that is, to put it simply, the guy broke Daehyun’s heart and I don’t mean it like it was just some high school crush, I mean he completely obliterated his world and I’m worried that Dae might be overwhelmed by all of this. He might be in some random place all by himself with no one to protect him. I'm supposed to protect him.” Jongup's voice is desparate.

Jiho feels guilty for asking, gaze settling on the floorboards. With a sigh, Jongup continues, “Dae wasn’t always the way he was when you first met him. He used to smile so big that his eyes would shrink into tiny slits.” Jongup curves his fingers to form crescents in front of his eyes. Jiho’s lips half turn up at the gesture. Jongup drops his hands, barely able to remember the laughs he’s missed and looks back up to the other.

“They were together for years. Dae never complained once, not even when things started changing. He just sort of balled himself up in a shell of his own making. He stopped talking, stopped laughing, stopped everything. Dae's ex was his life. Then he destroyed it. Now, he’s back and he wants Dae back.”

Jiho sinks a little. “And you’re okay with that? With letting that asshole try to get Dae back after everything he’s done to him?”

Jongup understands the elder’s concern, but knows there’s so much more to this than he can ever explain.

“Jiho, you weren’t there,” Jongup shakes his head, “You weren’t there when it was perfectly perfect. You weren’t there when shit hit the fan. And you weren’t there to see the things I wish I didn’t have to. I know why you don’t want his ex to go anywhere near Dae, trust me I know. I felt the same. But you don’t know what’s going on with Dae. If there’s any hope left of bringing the old Dae back, it’s Yongguk.”

Jiho's eyes round in shock. "Y-Yongguk is Daehyun's ex?" he exclaims louder than intended.

Jongup clucks his tongue with the name slip, but confirms with a whispered, "Yeah."

Jiho takes a moment to process. "But he's been living with you guys. How is that even working? Why would you do that to Dae? If you knew, why would you let him near Dae?"

"Because, like I just told you, Yongguk is my only hope of Dae being happy again. I know it sounds crazy and I'll try to explain better later, but we're losing time right now. I have to find Dae."

Jiho nods, picks at a loose thread, reluctant to ask about something that’s been digging at him all day and as the words leave his lips, they’re replaced with petty shame. "So is Yongguk the one who put that thing on Daehyun’s apron?”

“What?” Jongup asks, irritation lining his tone.

“We went to the café earlier and when Dae came out, there was a little banner thing on his apron that said Jiho is a…pooface.”

A small amount of amusement comes with the almost innocent pout of childish sulking and Jongup can’t help but grin. “So you saw the café all decked out?” 

Jiho nods. “Yongguk did all of that.” Jongup nods with the look of surprise on the other’s face.

“Yup. There was a lot more that Yongguk had set up for him and basically, Dae wasn’t where he should have been so that’s why I’m worried. He’s in a vulnerable state right now. I’ve seen him at his worst. I know what he’s like. That’s why we need to find him.”

Jiho nods, earnestly this time. “Let’s go.”

-

Yongguk finds himself in a field listlessly wandering among a blanket of unmaintained green, the moon providing the only light casting vaguely across its span. He can feel the skin on his cheeks crack a bit through the saline crisping in a clear layer over it. His legs drag heavy and he looks up through eyes worn at soft patterns waving with a passing breeze. He stops when a familiar spot comes to sight and settles beneath the tree. Memories of their past flood over him.

He remembers how seamlessly their fingers intertwined, how he’d hold Daehyun’s hand up to slide his own fingers along their length before curling between his knuckles and the younger would smile when they melded together. Yongguk outstretches an arm, eclipses the half moon with fingers spread. Slowly he lifts the other to lock fingers and watches as they drop into his lap.

-

Daehyun slides the back of his forearm roughly across his face though it does little to stop the tears. It’s too late. He’s too late.

It takes a great deal of strength to admit to himself what he had fought for so long. People never stop loving their first love, they just learn to live without them and that’s exactly what he did. He’d been living each day without him, meticulously avoiding the risk of vulnerability, but now Yongguk is here staring him straight in the face and instead of reaching out, Daehyun is pushing away.

Daehyun is convinced that he can keep doing it – living without him – because up until now he’s been fine hiding behind an intangible wall. He thinks the loathing will override any inkling left of what ever it is that he once felt. Yet, somehow pushing Yongguk away doesn’t suffice. It doesn’t ease the pain. It doesn’t make everything okay. It hurts. Daehyun is so confused. There’s a constant battle within himself, one he finds no victor in. 

He has come to Dongjak for a reason, he knows, and although his mind is prone to defying his heart, even it can’t argue with that fact. Daehyun grips the flowers tighter and his eyes widen with realization. Two hearts broke tonight.

He stares at the note once more and this time he notices something in the corner he hadn’t seen before. On the back are five words written in barely legible penmanship.

_And every day after that._

His chest tightens. The words ring in his head as he remembers the day they were first uttered. Yongguk’s voice resonates, tender and reassuring, “I love you. And I’ll love you tomorrow. And every day after that.”

The flowers hit the pavement.

Daehyun runs.

-

Please be there. Daehyun runs as long as his legs allow eventually giving way to the fire lining his thighs. Choppy breathing cuts through the silence as he carries on, determined to get there by any means. He pushes forward when he sees the field and a weak smile is tugging at his lips. As he nears the top of that oh so familiar hill, he collapses, heart following suit.

No one is here.

Daehyun braces himself against the trunk and leans his head back. Something white flutters in the corner of his eye and he plucks it from the trunk. A tiny veil of hope flushes over him as he peruses the scrap of paper.

          _Mission three: Goodbye, Daedae_

Daehyun scrunches his brows together as tears well up.

          _I don’t know if you will read this. I don’t know if you’ll come here. I don’t know if you even remember this place. But I do. I remember. I’m so sorry for everything. Thank you for_

_letting me be someone special to you even if just for a moment. My biggest mistake will forever be my biggest regret._

Another arrow points to the back and he flips the note over.

          _You’re too pretty to cry and you have the best smile. You should let the world see it. I know you’ll find happiness again. Even if it’s with big nose._

_Mission three: Goodbye Daedae. Complete_

Once again at the very bottom something is scribbled.

          _P.S. Jiho’s still a pooface_

Daehyun stifles a whimper and just as he’s about to let it all out, a voice cuts through the silence. “Dae!”

His head shoots up; two silhouettes approach quickly. A panting Jongup falls to the grass beside him. Jiho leans against the trunk as coolly as he can, struggling to keep his breathing under control. Daehyun uses the edges of his sleeves to dry his face, not sure what these two are even doing here. Jongup takes a minute to calm his breathing and sits up.

“Dae,” he utters, looking deep into the other’s puffy eyes. “Are you okay?”

Daehyun sniffles, head kept lowered and nods. Jiho exchanges glances with the other and Jongup runs a hand over Daehyun’s back, pulling him into his chest.

“How did you know I was here?”

“I didn’t, you idiot. I spent two hours running around looking for you. And you had to be in the last place I look.”

“I’m sorry,” Daehyun’s voice cracks. Jongup pulls away to look at Jiho again. Daehyun has never apologized no matter how wrong he was.

“Shhh,” the younger coos.

Jiho doesn’t know what to do. He feels out of place. Should he comfort Daehyun too? Awkwardly, he remains positioned against the tree.

Midnight comes and Daehyun is fast asleep on Jongup’s shoulder. Carefully, he props him upon his back and heads down the hill. Jiho takes a step to follow, but stops when a vague fluttering of white catches his eye. He picks up the paper and tucks it into his pocket, unable to finish reading.

Back in the car, Jiho glances at Daehyun unconscious in the backseat. He can only imagine just how much he’s suffered.

-

After laying Daehyun unto his bed, Jongup is quick to check Yongguk’s room and to his dismay, it’s empty.

He’s unsure of what to make of the situation, but a part of him wishes that Yongguk had come home, that he chose to stay. Maybe then things would have finally been okay. He paces his room, sorting through the day’s events. What went wrong?

\---

“What do you mean you want to come back here?” Junhong’s voice blares through the speaker and Yongguk has to pull the phone from his ear, still able to hear the nagging on the other end clearly. “What are you talking about? How can you be so selfish? You know I was just about to visit and you pull this crap?”

“Junhong!” Yongguk interjects.

“What?” The younger quiets down.

“It was just a question. Chill out. Besides, you didn’t tell me you were coming to Korea.”

“Hyung, I told you last month that I was coming back to Seoul on the first. I know you’re getting old, but geez.”

“Shut up.”

Junhong chuckles, “Why are you trying to come back to America anyway?" And when there's no reply, Junhong doesn't push further. "So what? You gonna stay with me at my sister’s house in Hongdae?”

Yongguk takes a moment to think. It’s not that he has anything against Jieun. She just somehow finds every inch of him absolutely repulsive and from what he remembers, it has something to do with when they were in grade school. He accidentally stepped on her art project or something and she never got over it.

“Yeah…no. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Junhong’s laugh echoes through the earpiece. “Hyung, I’m sure she’s fine with you now. It’s been years and she’ll be working most of the time anyway. Besides, where else are you gonna stay?”

With a sigh, Yongguk agrees.

-

“Oh my god, Junhongie!” Jieun’s voice is shrill against human ears. She pulls her little brother into a hug, his face cringing with the surprisingly tight embrace.

“Ji. Eun. Can’t. Breathe.”

Jieun chuckles before letting go and studies just how much he’s grown. Junhong grins and makes his way in. Jieun gives the door a flick, but before it can shut, a foot nudges its way in and she stops, expression morphing into a disgruntled pout when a familiar figure shimmies through the threshold.

“What are _you_ doing here?” she asks, cocking a menacing brow.

“Noona, didn’t I tell you that hyung was staying too?” Jieun softens a bit as Junhong rushes to her side, an undeniable smile oozing with adorableness easing the tension creeping upon the room. She shoots a glare at Yongguk and with a roll of her eyes, disappears into the next room.

“She’s still lovely as ever,” Yongguk smirks, closing the door behind him.

“I heard that!” she barks.

His smirk widens, “You were meant to!”

“Hyuuung.” Junhong pokes at Yongguk’s side and he slings his backpack over his shoulder. “She started it.”

-

“Sorry, we gotta share a room. You can have the bed if you want,” Junhong says as they enter. Yongguk looks around the room. It’s pretty big, given how small the house looks from the outside. “Nah, I’m good with the floor.”

“You sure you’ll be able to get up, old man?”

Yongguk throws his cap at him with a laugh, "I'm not that much older than you, kid.”

-

Stars litter the sky as Yongguk plants himself on the grass, beer in hand. Junhong makes his way over. Yongguk’s thoughts run back to the night he had opened himself up to someone other than Daehyun for the first time. Although younger, Junhong was the only person Yongguk always turned to when he was at his most vulnerable. And Junhong never failed to be there, whether he could empathize or not. Whatever the situation, he always knew what to say and it may not have been the most conventional of things, but it was always what Yongguk needed to hear. Junhong was the only reason Yongguk had the courage to come back to Korea. If not for the extra push, he would have ran forever, hiding from his past never being able to see a future.

Junhong breaks the silence. “So why did you wanna go to America again?”

Yongguk twists his tongue between his teeth, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. A deep sigh precedes a disheartened response. “I was too late.”

Junhong’s gaze falls to the ground. “So he said no?”

Yongguk shrugs, taking a generous gulp. “No.”

The younger stares in need of clarification. “Then what do you mean you were too late?”

“I mean it was pointless for me to come back. He never gave me an answer. How could he when he never even showed up?” Bitterness lines his tone and he regrets how it sounds, but the beat pulsing incredibly thick through his veins is weighing him into the grass and he lets out a sigh. “You were wrong, Junhongie. Second chances don’t exist. I was a fool to come back here. I looked so stupid.”

Junhong keeps his eyes low, gripping the bottle between both hands propped upon his knees. Part of him feels as though it’s his fault that things ended up this way. It was his idea after all and now his friend is in just as bad shape as he was when he left.

“I’m sorry,” the younger offers an apology.

Yongguk breathes heavy and pats the younger’s thigh. “Don’t be sorry. I'm sorry for saying that. It’s not your fault. You tried to help. You were right. I wouldn’t have known if I didn’t try.”

Junhong clucks his tongue, places his bottle on the ground. “I’m not sorry that it didn’t work out. I’m sorry that I can’t do anything about it.”

Yongguk looks up to the younger and smiles. “You know, sometimes I feel like you’re the older one.”

Junhong laughs, taking a glance at his flushing friend.

\---

Three days have passed and neither Jongup nor Daehyun mention what happened that night on Daehyun's birthday. They proceed with their routines just as they had before Yongguk ever came back. And to Jongup’s surprise, Daehyun isn’t exhibiting any signs of a broken heart, though however nonchalant the elder may seem, it doesn’t quite put Jongup at ease. He wouldn’t dare test the waters, but he can’t help wondering what’s going on in Daehyun’s mind.

\---

Jongup places his keys on the kitchen island, unbuttoning his work shirt when Daehyun zooms past, the pungent scent of cologne trailing behind.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

Jongup would appreciate more, but settles for what he gets. “With who?”

“Jiho. I’ll see you later.” And with that, he exits swiftly just like every other night this week and Jongup is left with unease because somehow this doesn’t feel right. Daehyun makes it half across the lawn before he stops. An image of Yongguk waiting, leaning against the side of his car flashes briefly. Jiho waves and he shakes the thought away.

“You look nice,” Jiho says. Daehyun gives a coy grin once inside the vehicle. Jiho grips the steering wheel and turns. “So where do you wanna go?”

\---

“This is Bang. Leave a message.” _Beep_.

Jongup drops his phone with a discontented sigh and plops onto the swing bench situated out front. Where is that guy and why isn't he answering his phone?

“What’s with the sigh?”

Jongup glances up with a grin. “I’m surprised you’re home.”

“Why’s that?” Daehyun asks, taking a seat next to him. Before Jongup answers, the door creaks open and he doesn’t need to look to know who it is. “Should have known,” he mutters.

“What?” Daehyun asks. Jongup waves it off with a half-assed smile as Jiho saunters over, taking the liberty of making a two-person bench cater to three. Don’t get him wrong; Jongup likes the guy. It’s just that Jiho’s more than overstayed his welcome. It’s a constant thing, if not here then they’re there. Jiho’s face is around every corner Jongup turns and his name is in every conversation. Daehyun isn’t just Daehyun anymore and even though Jongup had wanted Daehyun to become a ‘we’ for so long, this isn’t what or _who_ he had in mind. Jongup can’t stay any longer and gets up to leave without a word.

“Hey, Uppie,” Daehyun calls after Jongup and for the first time, it’s he who is ignored, leaving him a bit confounded.

“What’s up with him?” Jiho asks, uncomfortable. Daehyun shrugs.

“Maybe I should go.”

Normally, Daehyun would protest, but it doesn’t take much to realize Jongup’s mood has everything to do with Jiho.

-

“Bang! Yongguk!” Jieun's voice blares. Upon an unnerving summoning, Yongguk beelines toward the closet, managing the doors shut before the bedroom door swings open. Through approximal slots in the wood, he watches Jieun fume and can’t help the tiny gasp that escapes when she flies the closet door open. Yongguk smiles wide.

“To what do I owe your presence, oh scary one?”

Jieun points a finger to her chest. “My house, my rules. You’re not following any of them.” She sees the confusion in his face and rolls her eyes. “Food, provide for yourself. Toilet seat, down. Dishes, washed. Noise, minimal.”

Yongguk bobs his head as she rambles on, amusing himself with a thread undoing itself on the hem of his jacket.

“Ow,” He says, when she slaps his arm.

“Pay attention,” Jieun barks.

“You don’t have to hit me.”

Jieun rolls her eyes once again and takes a look around the room. “Where’s Junhong?” 

Yongguk shrugs with a, "Have you checked the bathroom?” Clearly it’s an unacceptable response because he’s rewarded with another slap to the arm. “Stop hitting me.”

“You’re such a pain I swear,” she sneers and as she makes her way out, she picks a garment off of the floor and shoves it into Yongguk’s chest. “Seriously, if you don’t comply, you’re out.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Yongguk mocks with a salute and returns to his laptop at the desk. “Wicked witch no joke,” he mumbles to himself.

“Who’s a witch?” Junhong's voice suddenly comes. 

Yongguk looks to the window as Junhong wriggles through. “It’s called a door. You should try it sometime.”

“Hardy har har, smartass. I couldn’t use the door 'cause I’m not supposed to be out past ten,” the younger states dryly.

“What are you, twelve? She was just in here,” Yongguk warns.

“What?” Junhong’s voice turns frantic, “Why? Did you cover for me?” Quickly, he changes into more comfortable clothes.

Yongguk waves him off with a flick of his hand. “Chill, I got your back.”

“What did you tell her? I was in the bathroom or something?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”

Yongguk smiles to himself, shakes his head and places his fingers onto the raised keys. Junhong spreads himself across the bed, nestling into his clean blanket, remaining still for a few minutes before turning onto his side, gazing at Yongguk’s back through half open lids. “Hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“What happened?”

\---

“You okay?” Youngjae asks, lifting a brow, waving a hand in front of Jongup’s face. “Hello? Earth to Jongie.”

Jongup snaps out of his daze. “Huh? What’s up?”

Youngjae chuckles. “You all right? You’re not all here these days.”

“Sorry, I just. It’s not my problem so I shouldn’t be worrying about it, right?”

Youngjae takes a sip of his water and leans back. “That depends. What. The. Heck. Are you talking about?”

Jongup dimly laughs. “Right. You don’t know. Sorry, um. You know Daehyun?” Jongup shakes his head. “Of course you know Daehyun. Sorry my mind is all over the place.”

Youngjae leans over to pat Jongup’s shoulder. “Relax, dude. You don’t have to explain. I was just asking 'cause it seems like there’s a lot going on up there,” he says pointing to his temple. Jongup lets out a sigh, placing either forearm against the table’s edge with fingers laced and rests his forehead atop. He unleashes all the pent up thoughts and what's been happening with Daehyun and Yongguk and the madness left in their wake. A good forty or so minutes later and Youngjae’s eyes are dangerously wide. With mouth slightly agape, he collects himself. “Holy shit, that’s a lot to take in.”

\---

The sky is painted a mix of orange and pink. Jiho gives a glance sideways, tries to casually minimize the proximity that seems too unbearably large and Daehyun’s gaze shifts to the suddenly too close for comfort body next to him.

“Can I help you?” Daehyun practically snarls and Jiho just giggles dolefully back into place a fair distance apart. He kicks a pebble to the side with a weak pout.

“Dae.”

“Mm?” Daehyun keeps his attention on the shops as they pass.

“Never mind.” Jiho’s voice is quiet. Much quieter than usual. He looks to the long road ahead, the destination waiting at the end unbeknownst to him. Likewise, he wonders where this friendship is going to lead. He shakes the thought reminding himself that 'he’s not into you, Jiho.'

Daehyun wraps his arms around himself, rubbing at his exposed skin. “It’s kind of cold, huh?”

Jiho forces a grin, unsure of what else he’s able – or rather allowed – to do. He wants to pull Daehyun into his arms and hold him for as long as time allots, but refrains because an arm’s length seems closer than Daehyun ever wants to be. So he muses with, “Hope you’re not getting sick,” as casually as he can.

Daehyun pauses a moment, slightly thrown by Jiho’s unusual indifference. By now, Jiho would have offered his jacket or slung an arm around him, but now...he’s staring at Jiho’s back waiting for some sort of gesture or even a glance.

Nothing.

It takes a great deal of willpower for Jiho to keep his eyes forward. The only thing fueling his focus is the one thing compelling him to do otherwise, Daehyun. That’s all there is to it. He wants him. In ways that Daehyun can never reciprocate and it wasn’t until about five minutes ago that he realized it. This friendship or what ever it is was always a one-way street.

Yes, Daehyun always wants his company. Yes, Daehyun snuggles against him when he feels alone. Yes, Daehyun hides his face in his shoulder when they watch horror films. And yes, it is Jiho that Daehyun runs to for pretty much anything. But none of it ever means anything more to Daehyun than instant gratification.

Jiho unknowingly begins distancing himself the longer they walk, too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice they’ve reached Daehyun’s house. Daehyun opens his mouth to say bye, but the other is already a fair ways away and he watches his friend tread along until he’s no longer visible. He can feel his stomach churn. What has he done?

Jiho drags his feet, runs a rough hand through his hair in frustration. He feels so used. Was he just a substitute? Some sort of consolation that answered Daehyun’s every beckon call? A fool who mistook attention for more.


	8. Don't

Yongguk’s fingers lay stagnant against the keys of his laptop, throat tightens as he struggles to swallow, uncomfortably seated before his friend’s inescapable gaze.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

Junhong yawns, arms stretched to the side. “I mean what made you want to run away again? I know you said he didn’t show, but what happened?”

Yongguk traces the 7 key with the tip of his index finger. “I fucked up.” He inhales slow. "I was scared, I guess. That I was missing out on whatever else was out there. It came to a point where it was the same thing everyday and I kind of freaked out. I started distancing myself and I didn’t realize how much I’d pushed him away until I couldn’t find my way back.”

Junhong blinks, lifts himself from the bed to keep from falling asleep. He takes a few steps over to the desk, plops on the floor next to Yongguk and looks up. He can tell from the look on the other’s face that this isn’t easy. Yongguk glances down, gives the younger a half smile and looks back to the keyboard.

“I went to this bar down the street one night and there was this guy who kept talking to me and no matter how much I said no, he wouldn’t go away. And all I remember is tanking another shot before…” he trails off, grimacing at the aluminum heating up under his palms.

Junhong leans his cheek against Yongguk’s knee. “Before what?”

“Before I woke up next to him.”

Junhong’s eyes fall to the crosshatched pattern on Yongguk’s jeans.

“That’s not even the worst part, Junhongie. Daehyun didn’t know about it and I couldn’t even bring myself to tell him. I was so stupid. So scared of losing him."

Junhong doesn’t want to hear more. He knows how this story’s going to end, but the impact is all the same. Yongguk leans back into the chair, exhaling slowly as his eyes shut.

“I felt so disgusting. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t be with Dae anymore because it’d remind me of that night and I kept pushing him further away. There was nothing I could hide behind and nothing I could do. Either way I was losing a battle I had no right being in and I couldn’t see the damage I had done.”

Junhong’s eyes don’t leave the denim. There is nothing he can say. He lifts a hand and gently traces circles on the faded fabric. Yongguk opens his eyes to glance down, watching his friend scribble along his jeans. He knows the younger understands, that he wants to help and it’s enough to ease the pain.

The tiniest smile stretches Yongguk’s lips up as he gazes adoringly at his friend. In many ways Junhong always seemed more like the hyung. Whenever it came to things that involved some sort of responsible discernment, it was Junhong who made the call. But at times like this his true age showed, a kid: innocent and vulnerable, unable to agree or retort. The circles turn into random lines as his finger drags down to the side of Yongguk’s leg.

“Hey.” Yongguk’s voice is soft. Junhong quickly withdraws his hand. “You should go to sleep.”

Junhong lowers his gaze and puffs out his cheeks. After a few blinks, he looks back up, letting the air out with a faint pop. “Are you gonna sleep, hyung?”

Yongguk answers with a smile, which Junhong understands is an order and he crawls back to the bed with a yawn.

“Hyung?” Junhong mutters, eyes already closed. “Are you okay?”

Yongguk smiles. “Yeah.”

“Good.” There’s a pause. “Hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“Goodnight.”

\---

Four days.

That was the longest they’d spent apart. Daehyun stares at his phone, anxiousness itching away. He growls in frustration and tosses the phone onto the bed. He wants to call, yet doesn’t want to seem clingy.

Without being asked, Jiho always seemed to show up whenever Daehyun needed – or rather wanted him. But ever since that day, Jiho was nowhere to be found. Daehyun would text only to be silenced with an, “I’m busy".

\---

“Jae!” Junhong calls from across the café.

Youngjae cranes his neck in search of the voice and makes his way over, smiling at the extra body he wasn’t expecting. 

“I didn’t know you knew Yongguk hyung,” he says, taking a seat. Yongguk lifts his chin to greet the other, just as surprised as Youngjae that it isn't just a twosome kind of hang out.

“Yeah, I know him from school. We all hung out in the same group. He’s always been like an older brother to me.”

Yongguk reaches for his phone, pretends to be preoccupied as the other two chat away. He sneaks a glance at Youngjae, tries to decipher whether or not it’s safe to be here because Youngjae is Jongup’s friend, after all and what if Youngjae invited Jongup? Yongguk grows antsy with the passing minutes. What if Jongup is on his way right now? What is he supposed to say? Yongguk doesn’t want to face him. He needs to leave now.

“Hey guys…I uh, just remembered I have some friends to meet up with. I’ll see you at home, Junnie. Bye, Jae,” Yongguk almost stumbles over his words as he gets up and before either can even respond, he’s out the door.

-

After countless missed calls, unanswered texts and seven days, Jiho finally agrees to meet with Daehyun.

The sky is overcast. Jiho sits, staring out the window with an arm stretched to rest on the edge of the table, mug between parted fingers. Daehyun catches sight of his friend, unable to help the smile that creeps across his face. He unties his apron and steps from behind the counter. A sudden rush of butterflies fill his stomach as he makes his way over.

Jiho’s attention redirects to the now occupied seat across him. Though it thrills him to have Daehyun within an arm’s length, he keeps stoic, does nothing to greet the other. Daehyun’s smile slowly drops as he scoots closer. He clears his throat, feeling the tension fall upon them.

It is Jiho who breaks the silence. “How are you?”

Daehyun perks at the voice, but Jiho’s face remains expressionless, something very unfamiliar to the younger. He meets his eyes, hoping for some part of Jiho – _his_ Jiho – to appear. “Good. Tired. You?”

“Good,” is all Jiho responds as he turns back to the view outside.

Daehyun feels so small. For the first time in along time, he has no idea what to do or say. He folds his fingers together, eyes fixed dejectedly on the crease in his knuckle. Jiho glances from the corner of his eye at the other. It’s painful to see Daehyun look so pitiful. It’s even more painful knowing he’s the one responsible. He picks his cup up, taking a slow sip. Daehyun stays frozen.

“What do you want?” Jiho asks a bit harsher than intended.

Daehyun lifts his eyes, unsure what he means. It’s as though Jiho can see the confusion because he continues. “What am I to you?”

“You’re my friend,” Daehyun answers quickly.

Jiho nods, jaw tightening. “Just a friend.”

Daehyun leans forward unintentionally. “You’re one of my best friends.”

Jiho chuckles almost mockingly and meets the other’s gaze. “I’m your only friend.” And it’s then that it hits Daehyun. Jiho is right.

The words cut in deep, sinking into the layers he’s hid behind all these years. Save for Jongup, Jiho is his only friend. That’s why he clung onto him, craved his company, missed him so much.

Daehyun looks into the other’s eyes, expression morphing into one Jiho never wanted to see. His nose flushes red, eyes brimming over with tears. He covers his mouth and flees the café as fast as his legs allow. Jiho quickly jumps up and watches as Daehyun runs, his own heart dropping.

He feels so trapped. No matter what he does, he can’t win. It seems like there’s only two paths he can take: either keep Daehyun happy and silently pine away as his heart slowly breaks or forget Daehyun and let them both fall into a somber abyss.

-

“What was that about?” Junhong asks, shoveling a spoon of patbingsoo into his mouth.

“I don’t know, but his roommate, Jongup, has been acting weird too. Like his mind is somewhere else. The other day I asked if he was okay and he explained to me what was happening. He ended up telling me about the entire situation from beginning to end and it was…a lot to take in.”

Junhong lifts a brow. “You know Jongup? Wait, is that how you know Yongguk?”

“Yeah, why?”

“They’re cousins. What do you mean Jongup’s been acting weird?”

Youngjae swallows. “He said he’s trapped in the middle. He told me about Yongguk and his ex and how they’ve been struggling to stay under the same roof and all this stuff.”

“What? Under the same roof?” At this point, Junhong shoves his bowl aside.

Youngjae nods, “Yeah, Jongup’s other roommate is Yongguk’s ex.”

Junhong’s eyes round in surprise. He thinks back to the day Yongguk came to the States and everything that happened prior. He remembers the day he convinced Yongguk to go back to Seoul to get Daehyun back and how he asked Jongup to pick him up and let him stay with him - only now realizing that he’s the one who unintentionally forced Yongguk and Daehyun into this very situation.

-

Daehyun can hear his name being called from behind, voices muffled by his own wails. He stumbles down the street as bystanders shoot questioning looks. He must be a sight, cheeks a shade of crimson, mucus dripping down his cupid’s bow. He swipes a sleeve roughly under his nose, sniffling into the damp cotton. What more can happen?

As he approaches a span of green, his blubbering subsides and he watches as the field rolls in waves with a breeze. A single drop of rain disperses across his shoulder and he looks up at the clouded sky.

-

Jiho stands outside, staring off into the distance pondering whether or not to chase after Daehyun. He wants to go, but his legs won’t budge because he knows that if he goes, he’ll only end up in the same position as before: trailing behind Daehyun step for step, never being able to cross the line Daehyun had drawn long ago.

Any time they’d walk side by side, Jiho would graze Daehyun’s hand only to have the younger shift away. It was torture having him so close, yet not close enough and in the end he figured that it just wasn’t worth it anymore.

A speck of rain splashes his cheek. He looks up at the darkened sky with a sigh.

-

Junhong leans back into the chair, twists his tongue as he thinks thoroughly about it all. “That’s why he wanted to go back to the States.”

Youngjae tilts his head. Junhong glances at him and leans forward, either elbow propped against the table. “Yongguk hyung…was having a hard time a couple of years ago. He was still together with Daehyun. He used to tell me how perfect everything was until he started drifting from Daehyun and then it all came crashing down because of what he did.”

Youngjae stays quiet, listening intently as the younger speaks.

“I don’t know what to do, Jae.”

Youngjae taps his chin with the tip of his finger. “I never thought I’d see the day that I’d want to help Daehyun out, but from what Jongup told me, it sounds like he really needs it.”

Junhong pinches his brows together in confusion and asks, “You know Daehyun?”

Youngjae nods, “Yeah, that guy is a nightmare. Well, at least the few times that I went over to Jongup’s house he wasn’t exactly the welcoming committee, you know what I mean? Then again, Jongup told me why he was like that so I guess I can’t really say anything.”

Junhong’s brows squish even more. “Huh?”

Youngjae lets out a chuckle, “Jongup said that after they broke up, Daehyun turned into…a jerk, for lack of a better word. He kept everyone at a distance and yeah. It’s just sad. The whole thing is sad.”

Junhong nods in understanding. “I guess I only got one side of the story so I never knew. The poor guy. But for the record, Yongguk is a good guy. He'd never mean to hurt anyone. He made a mistake and it really was just that, a mistake.”

Youngjae doesn’t say anything at first, just smiles at the younger. “I can tell what kind of a person he is and I know he made a mistake. We all do. We’re human.”

Junhong pokes his spoon around the practically empty bowl as the other takes a moment to think. When Junhong lifts his gaze, Youngjae is grinning at him with a hint of mischief and he leans in to listen intently.

-

Yongguk walks briskly down the street, inhales deeply as the faint smell of rain fills his nose. He had just missed the light drizzle that passed over this part of town and looks up, hoping another shower won't come soon. The rain makes Daehyun sad, he thinks, then pauses and tells himself to stop, when his phone vibrates.

          **JH** : Hyung, where are you?

          **YG** : Almost home. What’s up?

          **JH** : You wanna go out tonight?

          **YG** : Where?

          **JH** : The bar down the street

-

Daehyun opens his eyes when the rain stops, his soaked self is propped against a trunk. Something black shifts in the corner of his eye and he turns to the right, jerking back in shock. Jiho is sitting a few inches away, struggling to fight the drowsiness pulling him down. Daehyun gives his shoulder a poke and he shoots up, looking frantically about. His gaze falls upon a baffled Daehyun and he straightens up, brushing off the embarrassment as he pulls a bag from behind him. He slides the zipper open, takes out a folded cloth and holds it out to Daehyun all the while keeping his eyes relatively low. Daehyun reaches for it, slowly takes it from his grasp and unfolds the thin blanket, covered in off-toned patches.

Without being asked, Jiho answers, "It started raining as soon as you left. You didn't have a jacket so...wrap yourself up. Don't get sick."

Daehyun does as he's told. "How did you know I was here?"

"Lucky guess," Jiho replies with a shrug.

Daehyun wipes his forehead dry with a corner. The rainfall had left him shivering and alone, but it's Jiho's demeanor that's leaving him unsettled and no matter how tight he grips the blanket, it just seems to get colder.

Finally, Jiho twists to face him. "I'm sorry for saying those things." 

Daehyun peeks from the safety of the blanket. "No, I'm sorry for everything." 

"It's okay. I just...wish that I knew before I fell for you. Then we wouldn't be in this mess." 

Daehyun lifts his head further above the blanket. "What do you mean?"

"I know about everything, your breakup, your ex. But I wish I knew all of that beforehand. Because then I wouldn't be hurting like this. Honestly, I thought that you liked me too. But then I realized you were just using me." Jiho scoffs, "I was so dumb."

Daehyun interjects, "I never used you."

Jiho looks into the distance. "Even if it was unintentional, it happened, Dae. I came here because I like you. Because I want to protect you. Because I want to be with you. But I can't. And I know that now. And it's gonna be a while before I'm able to look at you without wanting more than you're willing to offer."

Daehyun sinks back, unable to stop the single tear that trickles down his cheek. "Please don't."

Jiho just closes his eyes. "I'll see you around." And with that, he stands, dusts the damp dirt from the surface of his jeans and slings his backpack over his shoulder.

Daehyun reaches out, calls after him.

Jiho doesn't look back.

-

"Hey, Uppie. Let's drink tonight," Youngjae says casually.

Jongup sets his keys on the island and sits on the couch next to his friend. "Had a bad day?"

Youngjae nods convincingly enough. "Yeah. So you down?"

Jongup pops a chip into his mouth and shrugs. Youngjae grins, reaching for his phone.

-

"I think that's enough for now, hyung." Junhong reaches to his left, latches onto Yongguk's wrist as his hyung leans dangerously over the counter of the bar. He looks around when a familiar face cuts through the crowd. Youngjae is pushing his way across the room with Jongup behind him, the latter stopping the second his eyes land on Yongguk. "Hyung," he whispers to himself.

Yongguk licks his lips as the bartender brings over another glass. Junhong tries a grab at it, but Yongguk jerks back and before the younger can stop it all from happening, the person behind Yongguk is doused in whiskey. Junhong apologizes in his hyung's stead because the latter is too preoccupied with his now empty shot glass, licking away at the little liquid left lining his cup. To Junhong's surprise, the stranger isn't mad at all, in fact he seems a bit too happy with eyes intent on Yongguk. "Remember me?"

Yongguk clanks the glass onto the counter and leans forward sluggishly, eyes squinting at this stranger. "H-Him...chan?" The stranger smirks, wipes the remaining alcohol from his arm. "Long time no see, _friend_."

Youngjae, Junhong and Jongup exchange looks, none liking the vibe this guy is giving.

"Are you back here to start where we left off?" Himchan asks with a grin.

Junhong squeezes between the two. "I'm sorry, have we met before?"

Himchan shifts his gaze to the younger, grin never leaving his face. "No, but I'm well acquainted with your friend."

"Look, now's not a good time. Don't mean to be rude, but he's not in any condition to talk you," the younger retorts.

Himchan chuckles, "There's no need to talk when we're together. Isn't that right?" He bends closer to Yongguk's face.

Junhong tucks Yongguk behind him. "He's not interested."

"Why don't you let _him_ decide?"

Jongup takes a step forward, this asshole's persistence testing his patience. Himchan lifts his hands. "Hey now, I'm not looking for trouble. Just a good time," he says, shooting a wink at the slouching figure behind Junhong and with that he disappears among blurred bodies.

Jongup pivots. "That was the guy, wasn't it?"

"Ehhh," a deep groan calls their attention and they turn to find Yongguk smiling like an idiot, eyes unable to stay open any longer and Jongup can't help but laugh. 

"Well let's not let that jackass ruin everything. We came here to have fun right?" Junhong greets the two with beers.

Jongup isn't much of a drinker because he knows how much the smell alone gets to Daehyun. So he holds the bottle uneasily by the neck and looks to Yongguk. It's been a good three months since he's last seen or heard from him. 

-

Daehyun sniffles into the warmth of his blanket and tightens his grip along its edges. He can't sleep for the life of him and it's absolutely frustrating because Jiho's face is ingrained in his mind. He thinks back to the first day they met, how annoying the elder was. A giggle tickles his throat.

"Cockblocker," he mutters.

He misses him. More than he wants to admit, but he does. What is he supposed to do? Either way he's hurting someone. The next half hour is spent fussing over the situation.

The oaf likes him for reasons unbeknownst and he struggles to wrap his head around that fact. If someone can learn to like him as he is - difficult, cold, cruel - then how is he unable to like them back? Perhaps there's something about Jiho that Daehyun is too stupid to see.

Jiho's smile flashes for a moment and it makes his heart skip a beat. Is there a small part of Daehyun that likes Jiho back? Maybe he's spent far too long ridding himself of feeling, training himself to keep everyone out. Maybe it's time to stop analyzing everything.

-

Jiho sighs into the night sky, a gentle breeze ruffling his hair. Why can't I ever like someone who likes me back, he asks himself.

He kicks a pebble to the side, watches it skid across the pavement and pulls his phone from his pocket. A name he's been careful to avoid displays upon the lit screen. His thumb slides across the glowing arrow, reluctant and slow.

"Hi," Daehyun's voice is soft.

Jiho stops walking. "Hi." His eyes close because he knows he's about to get pulled back into a mess he just barely crawled out of, dignity hanging by a thread.

"Can we talk?"

"What's there to talk about?" he sneers.

He knows Daehyun is hurting. That somehow in all of this, Daehyun is burying himself and with good reason, yet he can't fight the guilt currently washing over him. He didn't ask for any of this.  Jiho wants so bad for it to be untrue, but it isn't. He still cares. He still likes him. And he can't deny the fact that he'd drop everything to have him.

It takes Daehyun a little longer to answer this time. "I don't know. I just...I'm lost. I'm sorry."

The elder can't bring himself to reply.

"Jiho...please."

-

"This didn't really turn out the way I planned it to," Youngjae says, placing his beer down.

Jongup sets his bottle down. "Planned?"

Youngjae sheepishly grins, scooting to the other side of Yongguk in more of a defensive maneuver. "We sort of arranged this meet up."

Junhong holds a glass of water to Yongguk's lips. "Sorry, hyung. We just wanted to help."

Jongup looks between them, "Help with what?" 

Youngjae is first to answer, "Help Yongguk hyung. I don't know. I was kinda hoping that you'd bring Daehyun." He sees the confusion in Jongup's face and sighs. "Yongguk has been staying with Junhong at his sister's house in Hongdae. I figured that something happened between you guys for him to move out. I just feel bad for Yongguk and Daehyun. Obviously there's still something between them or they wouldn't walk around like little lost puppies, you know what I mean? So I thought that maybe we could get you all together and fix this."

Jongup doesn't look either of them in the eye, just makes his way toward the door in silence.

"Jongup!" Youngjae yells and turns back to Junhong. "Can you handle Yongguk by yourself?" All he needs is a nod from the younger before he's running after Jongup.

"Hyung!" Junhong shouts above the crowd, giving Yongguk a shake.

-

A deep exhale lifts with a breeze. Jiho grinds his teeth together, stares at the darkened window just a few yards away.

He doesn't know why he's here, why he's crouching to pick up the smallest of rocks, why he's aiming his arm at the second floor or why he's allowing this rock to leave his fingertips.

Everything comes into place the moment a flicker of light splashes against the glass, his breathing hitching when a shadow creeps into the frame. Shall he run?

-

Daehyun lays still, darkness encompassing him whole. His eyes blur with the overlapping shades of grey taunting him. He's back to square one only this time, he's zero for two.

A distinct tap shakes him from the trance and slowly he props himself up, shifts across the room to the window, clicking the desk lamp on along the way. Hesitant at first, he stretches his neck just beyond the windowpane. A hooded figure - recognizable only through his eyes - is scurrying down the sidewalk and Daehyun darts toward the door.

Jiho comes to a halt as footsteps approach fast. He doesn't need to turn to know it's Daehyun. The younger stares blankly at the back of Jiho's head, frantically searching for the right words to say and just when the elder is about to take an impatient step, a pleading hand grips the ruffle in his jacket. It would take little effort to free himself from Daehyun's grasp, but it would take so much more to simply walk away. Daehyun's head hangs low.

"Please don't go."

Jiho closes his eyes. The softness in Daehyun's tone is undeniable, almost pitiful.

"Why?"

"I need you," he manages.

Jiho looks to the bright crescent imprinted above. "You can't want me there, but leave me hanging every time. You can't expect me to cater to you at the drop of a coin. What do you want from me?" Jiho jerks away, Daehyun's hand slipping from the fabric. "You can't have it all."

"I have nothing," the younger retorts.

Jiho turns, just enough to show his face.

"Why are you trying to hold onto me?"

-

Youngjae breathes heavily, chasing after his friend. "Jongup!"

Finally, Jongup turns, lifting an unamused brow as if to ask what. Youngjae trots to a stop beside him. "Why'd you run off?"

Jongup sighs, "This whole thing was a bad idea."

"How? I thought we could help."

Jongup lets silence settle between them before lifting his gaze. "I know, but maybe it's better this way."

Youngjae doesn't know what to say. He doesn't quite understand. Jongup raises an arm to rest on Youngjae's shoulder.

"Thank you. For trying. But I think this is where things should be left. I want Daehyun to be happy more than anyone and for a while I thought that perhaps Yongguk was the key, but then it all fell apart and I couldn't fix it. And now I don't know if I should." He smiles meekly. "Things happen for a reason, right? So maybe we should just leave things as they are. I'm tired of watching Daehyun drown himself in misery and have to cover it up every day. I'm tired of watching him snap at people for no reason and be able to do nothing while he cries himself to sleep."

Jongup cocks his head to the right to hide his tears. He's never one to cry, much less in front of a friend. He swipes a palm inconspicuously across his cheek and Youngjae leans forward. "You okay?"

The younger clears his throat, twists away from Youngjae. "Yeah."

"Uppie, you dont' have to keep things in," Youngjae says, reaching out to comfort his friend.

Jongup nods, collects hismelf and with glossy eyes, smiles. He's spent too many nights lying awake with the faint sound of sobbing cutting through the walls. He can only protect Daehyun so far, there's only so much he can do and little by little, he's running out of options. 

"I just can't do it anymore. I need him to be okay for once. I need him to smile. I need him to know he's not alone."

Youngjae interjects, "He knows, Uppie. I don't know him much, but I know that he knows he has you. You're the kind of friend that not a lot of people have, but everyone needs. Trust me, he knows. And I think that's why he's been okay all this time."

Jongup gives the elder a look of appreciation. Youngjae's right.

-

Daehyun's eyes latch onto the hem of Jiho's jacket. His voice is feeble, "I'm sorry."

Jiho freezes, heart pounding fast with the broken beat of his tone. Daehyun waits for some sort of response. Reticence creeps up his spine and what little is left of his spirit dwindles.

"Jiho. I need you."

It hurts Jiho more than Daehyun knows. "Need me for what?"

Daehyun cringes at the bite in his speech and he thinks hard about the question. He takes a daring step forward, weary and light. "I like you."

Jiho scoffs. He hates being pitied. "Yeah, you like me as a friend."

Daehyun shakes his head, though he knows the latter can't see. "No, I thought that it was only as a friend. But then we started spending a lot of time together and..." he trails off.

Jiho bites his lips. Part of him wants to believe, but he knows. 

"Jiho," Daehyun's voice is barely audible and he waits a moment.

Nothing.

He takes another step forward and pinches at the fabric once more, this time nestling his face into Jiho's left shoulder. The latter's heart begins to stammer unbearably against his ribcage.

"Don't."

-

"You're heavier than you look," Junhong croaks more to himself than Yongguk who's currently angled awkwardly into his shoulder. "Shit, where's my keys?" The younger struggles to keep Yongguk propped against the side of his SUV as his hands search hastily. Once the keys are found, he manages to get Yongguk, or at least most of Yongguk onto the backseat and as he gets in himself, two heads spawn in the rearview mirror.

"What timing," Youngjae says with a grin.

"Let's get hyung to your place," Jongup gestures to the youngest of their group. With a nod, Junhong is speeding off.

"Um, guys?" Youngjae peeps from the backseat. He presses a palm against Yongguk's forehead. "I think he's got a fever. He doesn't look so good."

Jongup cranes his neck to inquire, sees the flushed paleness on Yongguk's face. "Pull over."

The second the vehicle comes to a stop, Jongup is dashing across the street and into a convenience store. Soon enough he's making his way back. "Here, make him drink this," he says handing a bottle to Youngjae. He lifts the elder's head cautiously and presses the brim to his lips, but Yongguk jerks away, swats the bottle from his face. 

"Hyung, you need to drink this. Please," Jongup negotiates.

Yongguk opens his eyes just enough to peer at Jongup. His arm lifts with much effort and he points to the door. All three acknowledge the plea and are out of the vehicle within seconds. Junhong is pulling Yongguk, grip hooked under either arm and frees him in time to watch the latter keel over as an array of milky orange covers the pavement.

"Shit."

Junhong takes the bottle from Youngjae and kneels next to his hyung, but the assault on his innards isn't over yet. He fumbles backwards as more vomit splatters, pooling in unhealthy amounts. Junhong rubs a calming hand over his back. Yongguk coughs, itching desperately at the burning in his throat. The younger lifts the bottle to his lips. "Spit."

With motions lethargic, he complies, but another jerk of his body produces more venom and the three know they've got more than just a drunk on their hands. 

-

Daehyun shudders as a breeze tickles exposed expanses of skin. Jiho closes his eyes once more feeling the younger nestle against him and exhales deep. He wants to push him away and run because it'd be much easier, but he can't. His eyes flit open and slowly he turns. Daehyun backs up just the slightest and there they stand, face to face.

The younger feels his heart flutter uncomfortably, Jiho anticipating the feeling all the same, but it doesn't come. Instead, his heart is quiet, beats vaguely in the darkness within. It's then that he knows.

"I'm sorry," he chokes.

Daehyun swallows hard, the fluttering that once lifted him up is weighing so heavily down right now.

"I'm sorry, Dae." Jiho stares deep into the younger's eyes, unable to stop the despair crossing his face and reaches an arm out, but Daehyun cowers from his touch. It only makes Jiho more confident with his decision. "I think I could have made you happy. Or at least you would have made me happy. But the thought of seeing you smile while you frowned inside would have broken my heart. Thank you for trying to make me feel like I was more than just another body. But you and I both know that you never liked me, not in that way. You needed somebody to help you forget. And that's okay, Dae. I understand."

Daehyun feels the cold seep beneath his skin, gaze falling to the side. "Can we at least give it a try?" he attempts.

Jiho cracks a smile. "Dae, there's nothing to try. Even if we do, I will never be enough."

The younger remains silent. This time Jiho takes a step closer, wraps him in an embrace firm and reassuring. "You'll be okay," he whispers and squeezes just a bit tighter.

Daehyun feels warmth glide over the curve of his cheek, meshing into the threads of Jiho's jacket. The elder parts, lifts his chin and finally their eyes meet.

"You're too pretty to cry."

Those words - all too familiar. Jiho grins, swipes a finger over plush cheeks and walks into the distance.

_You're too pretty to cry._

-

"Mmm."

Junhong shoots up, glances over to the hospital bed at Yongguk struggling to sit up. "Hyung."

Yongguk squints in the dully lit room and thank goodness for that, he thinks. He swallows numerous times to soothe the dryness scathing his throat, reaches for the water being handed to him. After a few coughs, he asks, "Why am I in a hospital?" It hurts to speak.

"Because you drank way too much, started puking everywhere. Scared me."

Yongguk rubs his throbbing temples and lays back down when another voice cuts through. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he manages without coughing, but then he realizes it's Jongup and pulls the blanket to cover his face. What is he doing here, he asks himself.

-

In the midst of the darkness, an exhausted body lies on a couch with legs half off of the edge, television stirring in the background. And just as sleep is about to claim him, his phone goes off. 

          **JU** : Won't be home. At the hospital

Daehyun struggles to keep his eyes open as he straightens up. The clock shows 3:02 in the morning. He rubs an eye roughly with the knuckle of his index finger and replies with his free hand.

          **DH** : Why? Are you okay?

          **JU** : I'm fine. My friend drank too much.

-

Jiho paces his room, stuffing fists into his jacket pockets when he feels something crumpled inside. He busies himself with the note, reading and rereading over again.

          _Mission three: Goodbye, DaeDae_

_I don't know if you'll read this. I don't know if you even remember this place, but I do. I'm so sorry for everything. Thank you for letting me be someone special to you. My biggest_

_mistake will forever be my biggest regret._

_You're too pretty to cry and you have the best smile. You should let the world see it. I know you'll find happiness again...even if its with big nose._

_Mission three: Goodbye, Daedae: Complete_

He tosses the paper aside with a sigh and decides it would have been best not to have taken the note, much less read it. He shouldn't have started liking the guy that it was addressed to. But he did. And here he is sitting alone in the darkness after rejecting the one person he craved for the most. He leans back in frustration; so close yet it would never have amounted to anything. Jiho settles in conclusion: he did the right thing. Right?

-

Jongup leans against the wall, unable to sit uncomfortably in that damned chair any longer. He contemplates whether to leave. Will it be best to stay and confront Yongguk or slip away before things get worse?

Junhong feels the uneasiness. "You don't have to stay," he says. And before the other can ask anything in return he continues, "Youngjae told me. I'm sorry for putting you in that situation, hyung."

"It's alright. I know your intentions were good, but like I told Jae, I just don't want to put Dae in harms way anymore. You know what I mean? I just need him to be happy," Jongup says and takes a glance at Yongguk. "I'll see you later. Text me when you leave. Let me know if he'll be okay." Junhong nods.

-

Jongup clicks the door quietly behind him as he enters the living room. Random flashes from the television are nothing new. Daehyun often falls asleep with the television on. Jongup assumes it provides some sort of solace for the nights when loneliness hits him a little harder. He shuts it off and lets out a soft chuckle while sliding arms beneath his sleeping friend just as he's done on occasion and carries him to the comfort of his own bed.

He's about to leave when he notices something missing from the nightstand adjacent to Daehyun's bed. Usually there's a small clay heart upon it, tattered and abused. He thinks back to the night he followed Daehyun to the field and how he saw him holding something that he now assumes was that same heart and wonders where Daehyun had moved it and more importantly why. A particularly loud snore breaks him from his thoughts.

-

Yongguk rubs his temples, peeks through half open lids. His throat is lined with fire that no amount of saliva can appease. He props on his elbows, brows furrowing with everything that is happening right now. Youngjae and Junhong are knocked out in chairs in what looks to be a hospital room and he isn't sure but he thinks this has happened before. He vaguely remembers asking Junhong why they're there.

He sticks his tongue out with the sour aftermath festering in his mouth which can only be assumed as vomit. Junhong shifts in place. "Hyung?"

Yongguk reaches for the water beside his bed. "Mm?"

"How are you feeling?" the younger croaks.

"Everything hurts. What happened?"

Junhong lets out a tired laugh. "I told you earlier, remember? We were drinking...and there was throw up...and..." he unwillingly trails off back to sleep.

Yongguk tries to remember - the burning in his throat reminding him of the latter half of that night. He lays back down, strokes soothing lines along his lower abdomen. He reaches for his phone to find the time: 3:02 am. There's a missed call from an unknown number. For whatever reason, he presses the call back button.

"Hello?"

The voice on the receiving end is low, barely above a whisper, "Who is this?"

"Jiho."

Yongguk's forehead scrunches into a clutter of crooked lines, the darkness unable to nurse the pounding against his skull. Loose fingers grip the surface of his temples as he tries to register the situation.

"Jiho?" his voice wavers in slight repulsion.

"Yeah," Jiho's response - a beat too quick against his ears - holds a hint of rancor. Yongguk exhales with an exaggerated breath he finds necessary given the circumstances. A brief silence that neither is quick to break fills the tension between them.

Through a strained cough, Yongguk caves under the quietude, "How did you get my number?"

Another round of silence settles, though neither can feel the other's antipathy. Jiho struggles to coax the words from the tip of his bourbon-laced tongue. The ticking second hand on the empty wall of the hospital room echoes through the speaker.

"I got it from Daehyun's phone."

A knot forms snugly within the walls of Yongguk's throat, the burning dissipating with the clump prodding against his esophagus. A slew of questions, all of which harbor unending possibilities and plausibly no means to any source of resolve, flood his mind. A single question finds its way to the forefront of the bunch, though he refrains from asking. Instead, he settles on a more conventional approach, of which Jiho anticipates though with a little less impudence, "What do you want?"

Jiho licks his lips, the taste of Maker's Mark still lining the edges of his mouth. The distilled grains pump forcibly through the thin tunnels visible just under his skin. He doesn't like drinking really, but according to his roommate who is currently sprawled across the floor, the quickest way to heal a broken heart is to forget. Needless to say only one of the two is reaping the benefits of the 'God-sent drink.' Jiho thinks back to earlier in the night.

_He is hesitant at first, seeing that he can't even read the label. Eventually, the nerves melt with his roommate's aggravating insistence. The first swig sprays across the carpet, drops of honey-hued liquid dangling from his lip. A pungent aftertaste anchors his mouth in a frown as an angry hand wipes what's left from his unwilling lips. His roommate doubles over in laughter, snatches the glass, and pours another generous shot._

_"You have to swallow for it to work," he says with a grin._

_Reluctantly, Jiho leans forward, pinches the glass loosely. He spends a minute staring at the liquid in disgust, the thought of having to swallow evokes a gag._

_"Yo, drink it already."_

_Jiho inhales deep and with a tilt of his head, the bourbon pools into the hollows of his cheeks, the awfulness only sealing his eyes shut. Little by little, he manages to swallow everything, prying his eyes open into revolted slits._

_"You really aren't much of a drinker, are you?" his roommate chuckles before downing his own shot, swift and quick. Jiho smacks his lips together, retracting his glass as his roommate reaches for it once more, but eventually gives in with a hesitant laugh. Although the experience is execrable to say the least, it gets the job done. While his roommate remains unconscious on the floor, Jiho muses sluggishly with his phone. His eyes squint into barely there lines, fighting the overbearing pulse in his neck. He engages the contacts list, finds himself scrolling, and reads a name aloud, "Bang. Yong. Guk. Sad face."_

_His back hunches at an angle that the body shouldn't be in, which causes him to topple onto the couch and the next thing he remembers is waking up a quarter to three in the morning, sobering up with the shock of the scene before him. A thick pulse that courses through his entire being reminds him of the night's earlier venture. His eyes fall to the unconscious body on the floor, laughing softly as he makes his way to the cabinet where the remedy to his headache lies. He makes his way back to the couch and picks up the phone. Bang Yongguk's name lights up his screen._

"Hello?"

Jiho snaps back to the present, pulls the phone from his face for a second before replacing it against the shell of his ear. "Ah, yes, sorry. Um I called 'cause." He stops, failing to think of an answer. His mouth moves though no words are spilling out. Again Yongguk's patience wanes, "Hello? Why did you call me?"

"Uh, I don't...can we talk?"

Yongguk pauses before lowering his voice in agitation. "We're talking right now, aren't we?"

Jiho feels his cheeks burn, "Yeah, well no. I mean can we talk in person?"

Yongguk glances at the clock through worn eyes, "It's three ten in the morning."

Jiho hurries to redeem himself, "No, I don't mean now. I mean whenever you're available?"

Yongguk isn't sure what to make of this situation. He never liked the kid and the kid knew it, so what can he possibly want to talk about? "Why are you calling me at three in the morning to ask me to talk later? There's nothing for us to talk about. And why did you take my number from Daehyun's phone?" As the question leaves his lips, he begins thinking why Daehyun still had his number to begin with.

This time it is Jiho who pauses, "I'm sorry for calling at this time. But there is something to talk about. Or rather _someone_. Someone that we both want but don't have."

Yongguk feels a lump in his throat fall to the pit of his stomach.

-

It is the following morning and Junhong is stretching desperately to ease the aching the chair has instilled in his back. The nurse enters with a smile and asks the younger to leave so that she may talk to Mr. Bang alone. He obliges, but worry gets the better of him and he peeks through the slotted window in the door at the pair, wondering what exactly she isn't able to discuss in front of him. 

He sees Yongguk nodding every now and then and it looks as though he's being reprimanded, but then a smile appears upon that warm face and Junhong feels himself ease up a bit. He tells himself its nothing to worry about, that she's just lecturing him on alcohol poisoning. But then she hands him a few papers, placing a hand upon his lower abdomen and there's a wince or maybe more than a wince and Junhong can't help but press himself into the door because he doesn't know why his friend is wincing. It looks painful and she retracts as Yongguk folds over onto his side. The nurse's expression softens into concern and to her relief, Yongguk is sitting back up, still holding his stomach. Junhong watches them talk more and no matter how hard he presses against the door, he cannot for the life of him hear a thing. He keeps his eyes on Yongguk's hand gently cradling his lower abdomen and assumes it's just from excessive vomiting. He must be weak right now, he thinks.

The conversation looks to be almost over. Yongguk is stuffing the papers into the pockets of his jeans on the table next to him and his head lowers with one last nod. Junhong strips himself from the door when he sees the nurse approaching. She pulls it open slightly and turns to make a final comment, one that Junhong just barely hears.

"I hope I don't see you sooner than necessary, Mr. Bang." And with that, she is gone. 

Junhong waits a moment before reentering, glancing back to his friend on the bed.

\---

"It's nice to be home," Junhong stretches before falling onto the mattress. Yongguk trails behind, his mind still lingering on the conversation he had with the nurse earlier that morning. Booming footsteps and a slam of the door precede a livid figure in the doorframe. 

"Where were you?" Jieun's voice reverberates off the walls. Neither man finds it in him to speak. Her eyes dart between the two, stopping on the elder. "Hello! You're the older one. You should be more responsible. This is my brother. If you're going to go out, the least you can do is let me know. I was worried sick and neither of you even answered your phones. What the hell were you doing?"

The springs in the mattress creak with Junhong's absence as he walks over to his sister, head hanging low. "Noona, I'm sorry, it's my faul-" Jieun cuts him short. "Do not cover for him!"

Junhong shakes his head in assertion, "No, I'm not. Noona, it was my idea to go drinking. I thought it would be fun, but things ended up taking a bad turn."

She glances at him, "What do you mean? Are you alright? What happened?" She follows Junhong's gaze to Yongguk, her glare cutting into the older boy's face before trailing down the length of his arm to the band around his wrist. "Why are you wearing a hospital band? What happened?" her tone softens just the slightest. She reaches for it, but Yongguk pulls away and heads out the door. His voice falls heavily on her ears, "Sorry for worrying you."

As he disappears into the hall, Jieun turns back to Junhong, guilt replacing the anger. She cups a caring hand on Junhong's cheek, examines his face. "Are you okay?" He nods. She sighs, "Is he okay?" Junhong meets her eyes, unsure of the answer.

\---

Streaks of light cut through the window. A petulant figure burrows deeper under the layers of his thin blanket, his own scent wafting abundantly in his nose - the first thought being that its time to wash the sheets. As if on cue, Jongup enters, moves things here and there. Daehyun pulls the blanket to expose one eye to the figre rummaging through his room. Jongup props the basket against his hip. "Morning."

He is met with a groggy groan which turns into a shriek when he rips the blanket from the half-sleeping lump. Daehyun shrivels into a ball, groaning yet again before lifting himself from the comfort of his bed. "Why were you in the hospital again?"

Jongup stops mid-bend and straightens out. "My friend drank too much."

Daehyun yawns as his eyes adjust to the light. "Youngjae?" he presses half mockingly. Jongup nods, "Yeah."

The elder shakes his head. "That idiot. You don't need to hang out with people like that. Just stay home."

Jongup grins, "Jelly belly again."

Daehyun shoots a look and lunges his pillow at the younger's back. "Shut up."

\---

"Yeah, I get off in a few minutes," Hoon says, rounding the counter to go in the back. Yongguk takes a seat at a table near the door, taps his fingers amusingly against its surface. Clattering beyond the door to the kitchen rises above the chatter in the café - students scattered with laptops wired along tabletops, couples exchanging loving glances over coffee mugs, friends chiming in laughter with frappuccinos tucked between grins of teeth. 

He smiles to himself, settling into his own corner as a familiar voice flies across the room. It's distinct, light and unequivocal with a mischievous charm lacing its tone. A skip of his heart shoots his head up, eyes scanning the room for the only blonde for miles. There he is but thirty feet to his right - an unexplained beauty broken from within tucked away into the smallest part of himself that he had no way out of. 

Just then, Hoon manifests before him. "You ready?"

Yongguk nods, gets up hastily, maneuvering through bodies and tables as inconspicuously as possible. He glances back through the glass panel before hopping into the car. Hoon enters the passenger's side. "You alright, man?"

Yongguk keeps his eyes on the steering wheel. "You didn't tell me that Daehyun was working right now."

"Oh, I didn't know. I didn't even hear him come in. He was supposed to be off today. Must've switched with somebody," Hoon says nonchalantly, strapping the seatbelt across his chest. With one last look out the window, Yongguk stuffs the key into the ignition.

\---

Two days pass. Jiho scrolls through his call list, stopping at the only name that stands out. After much contemplation, his thumb finds the courage to click dial. It takes about five rings before a voice deep yet soft replaces the incessant ringing. "Hello?"

Jiho bites his lip because he himself doesn't know why he's calling.

"Hi, uh, Yongguk. Are you busy?"


	9. Push & Pull

"Hi, Yongguk. Are you busy?” Jiho asks trying not to sound nervous. There’s a pause, then an agitated voice answers, “Not right now. What do you want?”

Jiho swallows, finding it difficult to get the simplest words out, “Are you able to meet somewhere?” Again, he waits, pacing his apartment.

“As long as you keep it quick. Meet me at Coffee Chu in half an hour.”

The phone goes silent and he removes it from his ear, feeling his heart beat just a tad faster and heads toward the door. A little over thirty minutes later, he stiffens as the seat across him is filled. It’s enough to pull a smirk on Yongguk’s face as he scoots closer to the table. “Didn’t mean to startle you,” the elder says. Jiho airily laughs and clasps his hands together only to pull them apart a second later then reattempt to press them together, ultimately deciding to rest uneasy fists over his knees. Yongguk softens at the other’s trepidation and offers words of comfort. “You can relax, I’m not going to bite.”

Jiho rubs sweating palms over his jeans and smiles, avoiding eye contact. “Would you like something to drink?” Yongguk inwardly scoffs, thinking of course, we’re at a coffee shop, but refrains from making an ill comment and tells him his order, watching the younger get up to retrieve their lattes. Jiho returns, warns of the heat and reseats himself. He clears his throat then takes the tiniest of sips. 

“I know we don’t exactly have the best relationship,” Jiho starts, taking a weak glance at Yongguk who seems a little less intimidating than he remembers. The elder is staring at his cup and Jiho seizes this as a chance to observe - a gleam of somber, eyes dark with circles bruising beneath, a pale layer covers his face and Jiho cannot recall any of it from all those times he was over at Jongup’s house with Daehyun. It baffles him to see such a difference that he almost forgets why he’s brought them here. “But I wanted to ask for your help.”

Yongguk pulls himself from the carefully poured latte art and lifts a brow. “My help with what?”

Jiho swallows a larger sip this time. “A month ago,” he starts off slow and hesitant, “On Daehyun’s birthday, you planned things out for him. I don’t know if you know this, but Daehyun disappeared that night. Jongup and I spent hours looking for him. We had a karaoke room rented and he never showed and Jongup had already checked his workplace. One of his coworkers said that a taxi was supposed to take him somewhere and when he went outside he saw the taxi was still there. He found out where it was going to take him and we tried going to Dongjak bridge, but he wasn’t there either so Jongup had an idea of where he might be because he followed him there once. It was this field. Way across toward the back there’s a hill-“

“At the top there’s a large tree with a curved trunk,” Yongguk finishes. Jiho cocks his head puzzled. “How did you know that?”

“Because that was _our_ spot,” Yongguk whispers just loud enough for the other hear. Daehyun remembers, Yongguk thinks. Daehyun went there that night, but why? Jiho interrupts his thoughts with a piece of paper being slid across the table. Yongguk glances over, recognizes the handwriting as his own and reads it to himself before glaring at Jiho. “How did you get this?”

“That night when we found Dae on that hill, he was crying and it looked like he’d been crying for a while. We took him home, but I saw this on the ground before we left and I don’t know why, but I took it.”

Yongguk feels shame overcome the anger bubbling inside and he spits, “You had no right to read this!”

People around the cafe are now staring and Jiho waves them off with a smile, turning back to Yongguk with pleading eyes. “Please don’t yell. I know I was wrong to take this and I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do. After that night, I realized exactly where I stood in all of this and it was never where I wanted to be. I understood that Dae would never be mine in that way because he still loves you.”

Yongguk’s ears perk and he adjusts in his seat as the younger continues, “So I tried to distance myself to make it easier. I thought that maybe I could get over him by staying away and avoiding him, but he wouldn’t give up. He just kept calling and texting and it was so hard to ignore, but i knew that he only wanted me there because it made it easier for him to not think about you. And who wants to be just the substitute, right?” Jiho smiles, embarrassed. 

Pity tugs at Yongguk and he sighs. “Don’t think of it like that. I saw the way you made Daehyun smile. You brought back something I took from him long ago. He deserves to be happy and that’s exactly what you did. I guess that’s why it bothered me so much. Because I thought I was being replaced and even though I know I don’t deserve him, it killed me to consider it true.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that because I finally agreed to meet with him one day and it didn’t turn out so great. I tried to contain myself and not be a little longing puppy, but I ended up hurting us both. He asked me to give him a chance and I told him that I couldn’t because it wouldn’t be real. He said that he realized he likes me more than just a friend and as much as I wanted to hear those words for so long, I knew he was just desperate,” Jiho says, turning away.

Their drinks have remained untouched and the pair find themselves digesting their thoughts. There’s a few minutes of silence until Yongguk speaks, voice unusually affable. “Jiho, I need you to do something for me.” And their eyes meet for the first time since they’ve sat down.

“Look, I apologize for being so…contentious before, but like I said I just couldn’t stand the thought of Daheyun being with someone else. I was wrong for being so selfish. I wish I could change everything, but I-“ Yongguk cuts short, wincing in pain as he clutches at his lower abdomen.

Jiho leans over the table concerned. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?”

He’s met with an outstretched hand demanding him to stay put, Yongguk closing his eyes with an exhale. 

“It’s okay, I’m okay,” is all the elder says and takes another breath.

“The hell you are. What was that?”

Yongguk shoots a look across the table. “It was nothing, just pulled a muscle.”

Jiho’s unconvinced, but is in no position to make such accusations and remains silent. The conversation stays in awkward suspension. Jiho fidgets, drumming fingers on the tabletop. He doesn’t know what to do, yet he tries because he isn’t sure that he’ll be able to talk to Yongguk again. They’ve never been on good terms and he sure as hell has never seen this side of him before so he seizes the moment. “So, like I was saying, I wanted to ask for your help because Dae needs it. He’s grasping at straws trying to piece himself together and I didn’t know how bad it was until he tried to cling onto me. I didn’t see before just how broken he was.”

Yongguk keeps his eyes low, guilt dousing him. Jiho takes notice and apologizes, “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I don’t know what happened between you two. And I’m probably the last person you’d ever discuss that with so we’ll just leave it at that. I just want to help him, but I don’t know how.”

“Don’t push him away,” Yongguk responds softly and stands, reaching into his pocket. He pulls a few dollars out and places it on the table when something mistakenly falls to the floor. It rattles and Jiho bends to pick it up. He observes with confusion at the small medicine bottle as its snatched hastily, being slipped back into its owner’s pocket. Yongguk uneasily gauges Jiho’s reaction and before making his escape, he instructs, “Don’t distance yourself. Take care of Daehyun. He needs you.”

Once he’s out the door, Jiho rests his cheek against his propped arm and thinks of the medicine bottle Yongguk so badly wished to hide. “Oxycodone,” he says quietly to himself and pulling his phone out, types the word into a search engine, puzzled at what he finds. His scrolling ends when a text from Yongguk appears on the screen.

          **YG** : Don’t tell anyone.

However vague, Jiho understands and despite thinking it better to share this information with Jongup, he knows only what the drug does and nothing else so reluctantly, he agrees.

          **JH** : I won’t but what’s it for?

Jiho knows it’s in vain, still he presses further and when no reply comes, he decides that perhaps it’s a good thing because he’s not the best with secrets.

\---

A couple of months pass. Neither Daehyun or Yongguk are quite themselves. It’s terribly difficult for the people around them to tread carefully. Regardless, they try.

\---

“Hey, Jongup?” Daehyun’s voice is softer than usual.

Jongup almost doesn’t answer because it’s been a while since they’ve engaged in decent conversation. He doesn’t steer his attention from his phone’s screen, but responds with, “Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

That draws Jongup’s attention at once and when his gaze falls upon the other, his brows wrinkle with worry and he rushes to his friend’s side. Daehyun stumbles into a wall, visage just as white. He’s drenched in sweat, breath labored, eyes struggling to stay open and Jongup clings onto his shoulders to keep him up. He’s being shaken, Daehyun knows, but it does nothing to pull him from the lights that are quickly fading. 

“Daehyun!” Jongup screams desperately. He’s rattling a limp body, unable to rouse it’s once rowdy spirit. He doesn’t know what’s wrong, why he can’t help him. Questions explode into panic and he reaches for his phone that’s been dropped a few feet away. He’s trying to dial for an ambulance, but his fingers aren’t working, they’re not doing what he wants them to, his heart is racing, eyes darting from the phone to Daehyun to the door and why isn’t he waking up?

\---

Yongguk closes the door behind him, relieved that he’s finally gotten his own place because he can’t take anymore hiding. Ever since his last hospital trip, it’s been even more difficult to keep everything under control. He was a guest in Jieun’s house and having another person so close to uncovering everything just wasn’t working. It was hard for him to function, always having thoughts lingering in the back of his mind that Junhong may stumble upon something he knew nothing about. Though, at times it gets a bit lonely, he misses having Junhong around to talk to, but this way is better. He can finally breathe; if only for a second because he remembers that he’s got a bigger problem on his hands: Jiho. 

He begins undressing, clothes drop to the floor and he steps into the shower. He thinks the best in there. Going over the scene in his head, he still can’t decipher whether Jiho’s a threat. It didn’t seem like the younger was too startled about the medicine bottle, but then Yongguk begins cussing at himself because he’s made things worse by running away. He must have ignited a curious spark in Jiho, he assumes, shaking his head in disappointment and lets the hot water run over his face. Then he thinks that he shouldn’t worry because its been two months and if Jiho had said anything to anyone, they’d have confronted him already. Either way, he needs to know for sure.

-

He types “hey” into a new message on his phone, deletes it, retypes it. Five minutes later and its become a vicious circle of random ways to strike up a conversation with Jiho. Yongguk sticks with hey. Jiho replies faster than he anticipated.

          **JH** : What’s up?

          **YG** : A couple months ago when we met up, you asked me about the medicine. I know it's a really late reply. I have a bad habit of doing that, but just to clarify, I got hurt playing

          soccer the prior weekend. Pulled muscle, remember? 

Yongguk’s subconsciously nibbling on his lip waiting impatiently for a reply, but it takes much longer this time. Fuck, he thinks. Then at last it comes.

          **JH** : Oh

“Oh?” Yongguk reads. “Oh? That’s it, just oh?” He tosses the phone onto his bed, laughs stupidly to himself. All for nothing. He feels foolish having worried, but at least it eases his mind.  

\---

“Dae!” Jongup can hardly hear himself over the panic penetrating deep within. He’s rubbing his hands together so hard, they’re turning white, but he doesn’t stop. He can’t. He needs to busy himself because no one is telling him anything.

“Daehyun, can you hear me? Daehyun.” It’s the doctor. He’s quite calm for a situation like this. Jongup comforts himself with the thought that the doctor’s demeanor has everything to do with his confidence that things will be okay. The nurses are crowding his friend and there’s monitors and things being attached to body parts and all he can do is close his eyes for a moment of peace when he hears it.

“Stay with us, Daehyun.”

Jongup’s eyes snap open wide and he’s pushing his way to the table’s side. “What’s happening?” he asks, frantic. He doesn’t wait for an answer before he asks again and again and the next thing he knows, he’s being pulled from the room by a man in a security uniform. 

“Let me go!” he yells, pushing free and the guard is about to apprehend him again, but a nurse tells him its alright. Jongup runs a hand roughly through his hair, leans against the nearest wall and sighs. This is the second time in two months that he’s been to a hospital. 

Footsteps approach and he doesn’t bother lifting his head to see who it is. “Is he okay? What’s going on?” a familiar voice abates his nerves. 

“They haven’t said anything and they kicked me out.”

Jiho places a hand to grip Jongup’s shoulder. “What happened?” 

“I don’t know, he just came down stairs stumbling around and collapsed out in my arms. He said he was sorry,” Jongup says, uneasily. “Why is he sorry?”

Jiho takes a moment, but comes to no better conclusion than the latter. “Did something happen between you? Is he sick?”

Jongup shakes his head. “No, he was fine. Everything was fine. Well, not fine, we haven’t really talked and oh god this is my fault, isn’t it? This is all my fault. I haven’t been paying attention to him. He might be dead. The doctor said 'Stay with us.' Dae was probably was showing signs and I just didn’t see it. Oh god, Daehyun I’m sorry.” His face is planted in his palm and Jiho tightens his grip on his shoulder.

“No,” the elder states. “This is not your fault. But you have to talk to me. What else?”

Before he can say anything, a doctor comes through the door, heading toward them. “Mr. Moon, may I speak to you alone?” She asks, gesturing at Jiho and pulls him aside. “Your friend has overdosed on sleeping pills. We’ve managed to get most of it out, but we’re unsure about how many his body has already digested. That’s all I can tell you for now. I have to get back inside.”

Jongup slides to the floor as tears begin forming. Jiho crouches beside him. “This isn’t your fault, Jongup.” 

The younger shakes his head, “It doesn’t matter. He tried to kill himself, Jiho. He swallowed pills. He tried to…” His throat is constricting too tight to finish and he tries to hide his face in his sleeve. 

“Jongup,” Yongguk says, voice quivering. The younger sniffles, slides the sides of his hands to clear his eyes and is confused with why his cousin is here.

“What happened? Is Daehyun okay?” Yongguk asks, unable to hide the fear in his face. Jongup can only shake his head. Jiho is the one to answer. “I texted Yongguk after I got your message,” he directs the first half to Jongup then turns to Yongguk, “and we don’t know what’s going on in there. All the nurse said was that Daehyun overdosed on pills.”

Yongguk stops breathing. He stops everything. Did he hear Jiho correctly? Daehyun overdosed? He tries wrapping his thoughts around it and no matter how much he shakes his head it doesn’t help. He doesn’t know when the tears started, but his eyes are blurring. Everything is hazy. They’re frozen in a pit of darkness that seems to pull at them. Daehyun’s gone. Yongguk brings himself to his feet, stumbling down the hall. People appear from the shadows as he makes his way further and he tugs at a nurse’s sleeve. “Where is he?” He asks, barely able to get it out. The nurse looks to him, confused and before she gets any sort of clarity, Yongguk is moving along.

“Where’s Daehyun? _My_ Dae. Where are you?” he repeats to no one in particular, trudging aimlessly. He feels someone grasp his left arm and he turns slowly because it’s difficult to move. It hurts. Everything hurts. 

“Yongguk,” Jiho says quietly. He’s granted a bleak glance and takes it as compliance, pulling gently at the elder’s arm, guiding him back to a more collected Jongup. 

“Hyung?” Jongup whispers. Yongguk’s movements are disconnected. He does not respond. 

“Hyung, are you okay?”

“I couldn’t even tell him goodbye,” Yongguk finally speaks.

Jongup isn’t sure if Yongguk is talking to him, but he rests a hand on his. “No one said you have to goodbye. He’s not dead. He can’t be. He’s too stubborn,” he says with the tiniest of smiles.

Jiho can tell that Jongup is trying to hide his fear, but now is not the time for optimism. There’s no room for false hope. He opens his mouth to assert some reality, but refrains from the pragmatic approach because the looks on their faces are just as disheartening as the condition Daehyun is currently in. Jiho can’t look him in the eye, but it doesn’t stop the desperation from spilling out of Jongup's mouth to anyone willing to make him feel better. He’s blabbering about how Daehyun is fine because he’s too much of a knuckle head to know how many pills to take or too much of a drama queen to let them know that he’s okay. It’s just an act. He’s just exaggerating everything because he’s obnoxious like that.

“Right?”

\---

Yongguk focuses on the city below, ankles dangling carelessly over the edge of his balcony. People mesh with the colors of this metropolitan, dull and terribly quiet tonight. I could drop right now, he thinks. 

There’s a voice calling out to him from behind and he sighs when he remembers that he let Jongup stay with him after what had happened with Daehyun. That house feels too empty; there’s too much sadness there Jongup said. Yongguk doesn’t turn, just loosens his grip on the railing he’s sitting on and again the voice comes.  “What are you doing?” 

“Just wanted some air,” is all Yongguk musters and Jongup doesn’t like the lack of energy in his tone. “Let’s go back inside,” Jongup says coolly, keeping his distance. Yongguk cocks his head to the side, rolling palms over the chipped paint of the railing. “I’ll be there.”

Jongup’s jaw tightens, not wanting to leave because he isn’t keen on the way Yongguk is hanging off the edge like that, but he clings onto the hope that Yongguk isn’t selfish enough to pull the same crap Daehyun did and leaves. 

Yongguk sighs at another failed attempt. You’re such a coward, he tells himself, climbing back over the railing and onto the balcony back into the apartment. Jongup is sprawled across the couch and the elder shoves his feet off to make room for himself. He’s watching some sort of reality show which Yongguk hates, but he lets it go because he isn’t paying attention anyway. His mind is busy with why Daehyun did what he did and how he can live with himself after bearing witness to such horror. 

_The hospital staff is speaking, but Yongguk hears nothing because Daehyun is in bed helpless and beaten. His Dae is in pain - wanted to end the pain. Yongguk comes to realize that his Dae was just as much a coward as himself - unable to handle life, to overcome its obstacles, to push forward. It breaks Yongguk to a point of no return and he’s pushing the nurses away from the patient, clawing at the frail body on the table. He feels someone apprehending him with a grip tight enough to wrangle a bear, but he fights to stay with Daehyun._

_“How did he get in here?” he hears a staff member yell before everything goes black. He awakens to bright lights and the smell of antiseptic and tries to move, but his arms, they’re strapped down. He lifts his neck to see that his limbs have been bound._

_“What is this?” he yells to no one. A nurse pulls the curtain open. “Are you alright, Mr. Bang?”_

_“Who are you? How do you know my name? What’s going on? Where’s Daehyun?” Yongguk asks, frantic._

_"You were sedated and restrained because you were getting belligerent and physical."_

_Yongguk looks at the straps, embarrassed. "I'm sorry. Can you let me out of this?"_

_The nurse moves to his side, but reassures first that he won’t hurt anyone or disturb the doctor again. Yongguk nods, promising, and she releases him from the straps. He rolls off the table, rubbing his wrists. "Thank you."_

_The nurse shows him back to his cousin in the hall and Jongup asks where he's been. Yongguk just shakes his head._

_“I thought you went to the restroom, hyung. Next thing I know, the nurse is telling me that you're being restrained for making a scene. They said I had to wait here and I couldn't see you because you were a liability.”_

_Yongguk squats against the wall and sighs, throwing his face into both palms. “I don't even remember going in there I just remember seeing him and then everything went black. He looked so helpless,” he says softly. Jiho exchanges looks with the younger and clucks his tongue. “That’s why you don’t go in there while the doctor is working, acting like the hulk gone wrong,” Jiho mumbles under his breath. Yongguk lifts his face from his hands._

_“What did you say?”_

_Jiho pokes his tongue against the inside of his cheek, crouches in front of Yongguk and repeats, “That’s why you don’t go in there while the doctor is doing his_ fucking _job and act like the hulk gone wrong.”_

_Yongguk pushes Jiho backwards and Jiho falls to the floor, getting up with a grin._

_“What are you so smug about?” Yongguk spits._

_Jiho shrugs, lifts a brow mockingly. “Your stupidity.”_

_Yongguk steps toward him, but Jongup jumps between the two, holding palms on either of their chests. “What’s gotten into you guys?” he asks. “We’re here for Daehyun. Why are you guys acting like this?”_

_Yongguk jerks Jongup’s hand away with a grimace and faces the wall. Jiho smirks, turning up only half his mouth and sneers, “He started it.”_

_Jongup gives him a look of pure perturbation and before he can even react to what comes next, Yongguk is flying at Jiho. They’re on the ground like a pair of children and Jongup cannot believe that these are his friends, his grown-ass friends. Jiho is laughing the entire time and it’s only making Yongguk angrier, but he isn’t fighting back. Yongguk is choking and pushing and punching, while the younger grips his shirt and laughs. Has he gone mad, Jongup asks himself, trying to pry them apart, but it seems that just when he’s got Yongguk in a good hook against his chest and is ready to pull him away, Jiho latches back onto Yongguk's shirt and drags him back in. Jongup gives up in a bout of confusion and just stands there, shaking his head. It takes three security guards to finally strip them from each other and once they’re thrown outside, Yongguk leans on his knees taking a moment to breathe. Jiho is about fifteen feet to his left and is staring as the elder catches his breath. He swipes the side of his thumb under his lip to see blood, and tucks his lip into his mouth to suck on the cut. When Yongguk is straightening up, Jiho waits until their eyes lock and begins laughing again. Yongguk is tired and is sick of this punk’s shit. What the hell is his deal?_

_“What the fuck are you laughing at? Quit laughing,” Yongguk demands. But Jiho takes that as a challenge and laughs more chaotically. At this point Yongguk is ready to leave. Maybe this kid hit his head because he won’t shut the fuck up. It’s the only plausible explanation. Why else would he start a fight and act childish and wait, he actually_ wanted _to fight. Yongguk keeps a jilted brow at the younger and wonders why he kept pulling him back in when Jongup tried to tear them apart. It’s not like he was fighting back, I mean look at the kid’s face._

_“What are you doing, Jiho?” Yongguk asks, calmer this time._

_And just like that, Jiho ceases his laughter. “Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, there’s a thing called being an adult where you need to get your shit together. You know? Not lose it. Like you did in Daehyun’s room like half an hour ago. And just now…what with the whole bat shit crazy thing over something so small.”_

_Yongguk’s mouth parts agape just a little and he’s about ready to punch this kid’s face in again, but then he realizes that he’s right. He can’t conduct himself in such ways. He needs to be stronger._


	10. 3:02

“Daehyun comes home today,” Jongup says nervously. 

Yongguk looks over to him on the other end of the couch and gives his shoulder a nudge. “Then you better make sure he’s got someone to come home to.” He offers a smile and it bothers him when Jongup doesn’t smile back. “What’s wrong?”

Jongup leans forward to rest his forearms over his knees and after a stale minute or two, finally speaks. “What do I even say to him? Do I act like everything is normal? Do I bring it up? What if I leave him alone and he tries to do it again?” The questions spill one after the other and Yongguk has to cut him off with a grip to the arm and a stern, “Don’t overthink it.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re not the one living with him,” Jongup says, immediately regretting how it may have come off.

“Look at it this way, Daehyun is coming out of rehab. That means that the doctors feel that he’s stable enough to return to his normal life. So don’t feel like once you take your eyes off of him he’s going to have a blade to his wrist,” he says as earnestly as he can, looking over to his cousin whose face is buried into either palm. 

It does little to comfort Jongup and Yongguk can only hope that he’ll listen. This is a sensitive situation that no one was ready for and to take it lightly just isn’t how Jongup wants to handle it. Yongguk can tell that something’s not quite sitting right with the other and takes a calculated pause before speaking again. 

“I’m not saying for you to brush it off and act like it didn’t happen. I just don’t want you to worry to a point that it’s hard for you to function. You’re going to have to trust him. He’s really going to need that,” Yongguk trails off, looking to the carpet. 

Jongup looks over to him because somehow that last part makes him uneasy. “Everything okay?” he asks not really sure why. 

Yongguk gives his head a shake, forcing a smile. “I just thought that maybe he could use a little stability. Let him know that you know he’s strong enough to move forward.”

“Did you go through this before...with him?” The question slips out and Jongup apologizes for being so candid. He feels bad, like it’s not his place to ask, but Yongguk answers anyway, feeling the need to shed light on darker times. 

“No, not with Daehyun. With myself. It was after we broke up. I just totally closed off from everything and everyone and it was the worst I’ve been. It wasn’t just because we’d broken up, it was the guilt, the depression, just stuff,” he cuts himself off, getting a little caught up with reviewing memory lane. “I had a lot of thoughts about ending everything and it isn’t something impulsive. It’s debilitating, constantly having that loom over you, in the back of your mind ready to take the wheel. Some days it hits you harder than others and I would look over the railing of buildings, wondering if it’s high enough, but I’d always have another voice come through. Not the one in my head that I hear when I think to myself. No, this voice, it was lovely and stronger than the force compelling me down.”

At this point, Jongup is sitting dumbfounded, unsure of whether he’s more shocked or saddened that he had absolutely no idea all of this was going on. Why hadn’t Yongguk reached out? How did he even get to such a low point? His mouth is agape, wanting to comfort his cousin, but his voice nestles in his throat and nothing but a crack escapes. Yongguk fixes his attention on the other and offers a grin to lighten the mood. 

“Sorry. I know that’s pretty hard to swallow. I never wanted anyone to know that didn’t need to.”

“So who needed to know? Why didn’t I need to know?” Appalled, Jongup asks before he can stop the words and again, he settles into the couch in shame. “Sorry.”

Yongguk shakes his head. “It’s fine. I didn’t want you to know because I felt like it was something I had to deal with myself. I just felt trapped and as stupid as it sounds, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. Junhong is the only one that knows because he was there. He tried pulling me out of my ‘funk’. That’s what he called it, tried to put an optimistic spin on things. But that’s what helped - the assurance that someone sees a light at the end of the tunnel. Even when he discovered me sitting in a tub full of water crying my eyes out. I couldn’t do it. I was too scared. And what was the most comforting was that he never gave up, never doubted that I would pull through.”

Jongup stiffens as it all begins to sink in, sending a ripple down his spine. He’s almost lost two people he loves. What is happening?

Yongguk nearly falls off the couch when Jongup shoots from his seat, standing with hands curled into fists tight enough to whiten his knuckles. 

“What are you doing?” the elder asks. 

Jongup doesn’t turn, but Yongguk can see his face, sees the hurt. “How can you guys be so selfish?” his voice quivers and before Yongguk has a chance to think, he’s out the door.

\- - -

Yongguk fights the cringe creeping across his countenance as a particularly annoying individual shouts his name from behind. For the love of all things good in the world, why is big nose here? Of all the malls in all of Korea, on this day at this time, why? Yongguk doesn’t turn, just stops and places a fist against his hip. Jiho takes that as permission to approach and after everything they’ve been through lately, is apprehensive of how this all will go down. He lets a breath out long and slow and keeps a fair distance away when he begins apologizing.

“I’m sorry for what happened at the hospital and I know that even after our little chat at the coffee shop that you’ve still got some animosity toward me and I totally understand. I just want to clear things up. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole,” he tries stalling by dragging each word out, failing miserably when the other turns to face him with a less than pleased look and with a raised brow, Yongguk asks what point he’s trying to make and taps an impatient foot against the concrete. Jiho feels this opportunity slipping as he struggles to find the right words to fix this. He was hopeful that their relationship had progressed into something optimistically civil, but knows that he’s taken them two steps back and that is why they are here. 

“I just wanted you to pull yourself together. Granted, it wasn’t the right way to do that, you know hindsight and shit, but it worked, didn’t it?” he asks sort of pleadingly. 

Yongguk breaks eye contact to look at a jewelry kiosk to his left and shrugs. “I guess.”

Jiho exhales with relief and thinks it best to offer to buy the other lunch. Perhaps they can further mend their hostile relationship and how else better than over food. Yongguk obliges, holds his lower abdomen lightly as they walk to a food court. Jiho assumes it’s because he’s hungry and hurries to order their food. Yongguk sits at a table near the chosen vendor and sinks into the chair as much as he can without slipping off. Anxiously, his fingers drum over the denim of his pocket, its contents shuffling around with faint taps. Jiho returns with hands full and the ramyun smells too good to not shovel in their mouths. 

Jiho chews, cheeks filled, thinking of what else to say. How does one engage in conversation with a former-enemy-possible-new-friend-maybe-person? He glances across the table, determining that Yongguk seems rather docile from what he’s used to and he kind of misses the more vocal Yongguk. There’s something glum about the way he’s just sitting there, eating, completely silent. 

“I heard Daehyun is coming home,” Jiho says. 

Yongguk gives a nod. “Yeah, maybe you should go welcome him back.”

Jiho shrugs, unsure if it was meant sincerely. The elder confirms his suspicions by straightening up and giving the other’s shoulder a gentle slap. “Seriously, you should go.”

“Maybe you could come with me.”

He’s met with a head shake. “I don’t think I’m one of the people he wants to see. What with everything that has transpired since I’ve come back to Korea.” Yongguk fidgets with his chopsticks. 

“I think it’ll be fine. You never know. He probably misses us,” Jiho says with a smile. 

Yongguk wants to believe its true. 

\- - - 

Jongup chews his cheek and waits anxiously, looking out the nearest window for Daehyun’s car to arrive. Any minute now, he says, nervously choking down a glob of saliva. He replays his conversation with Yongguk: just support him, trust him, it’s Dae. 

The t.v. is off. How awkward, he thinks and rushes to click it on, returning to his place against the window. He jumps a little with each car that passes, wondering if it’ll stop in his driveway when at last one does. The back door opens, Jongup unknowingly holds his breath. One leg slides out, then another, then a familiar face emerges and he can feel his heart pound just a little harder. He’s missed him. 

Daehyun is no longer blonde, but back to his original shade of deep brown. It makes him look younger, Jongup thinks to himself with a smile. 

After the elder is given his bag, he makes his way down the walkway and Jongup charges the door, practically flying it open with a mix of nervousness and excitement. Daehyun looks up from the path slowly and when he sees his long time friend, his bag slips from his grip onto the ground with a dull thud, and bolts straight into Jongup’s chest. Caught off guard, the younger loses his balance and they fall to the wooden floor, Daehyun clutching onto him tight. Jongup takes a second to recover from the impact, his arms finding their way around the other. They haven’t hugged in years. Daehyun’s face is nestled firmly against Jongup’s collarbone and the latter hears a stifled sniffle, moving to rest his head against the other’s and holds him until he’s ready. 

When Daehyun is finally able to dry his eyes, he rolls over onto the floor next to his friend, laying his head on the other’s outstretched arm. They lay for a few moments, staring at the ceiling not thinking about anything in particular. 

“I almost didn’t recognize you,” Jongup breaks the silence. Daehyun pats his own head with a slight grin. “I wanted a new start.” These words comfort Jongup more than Daehyun knows.

“Then lets start by unpacking your bag, shall we?” Jongup releases his arm from under the other, gets up with a jump and holds his hand out to Daehyun who takes it with a smile.

— — —

A few weeks have passed. Things seem to be seamlessly serene. Daehyun is different, more reminiscent of his old self and Jongup could not be happier. They’ve been hanging out with friends, having actual conversations, having actual fun. 

This new start is turning out to be something they both needed. After years of cleaning up Daehyun’s bitter messes, patching up wounds Yongguk had inflicted, treading lightly in his own house, Jongup is free to just be. Daehyun is really trying to be this new person, a better version without the anger and hurt scaling his back. 

He’s doing so well, Jongup thinks one morning as he makes breakfast for the pair of them. Daehyun is folding laundry, not neatly of course, but at least he’s folding it. Jongup chuckles when the other holds up a shirt that looks as though it’s meant for a child. 

“What are you laughing at?” Daehyun chortles. 

“I told you to watch what you put in the dryer.”

Daehyun mocks him silently and tries to squeeze into the shirt, getting stuck with both arms over his head.

“Um, a little help?”

Jongup looks up from the pan he's using to fry and laughs. “You idiot.” He pulls the shirt off of his friend and tosses it onto his face. 

There’s a knock at the door and the two exchange looks. Jongup is the one to open it. 

“Hi.” 

It's Jiho. Jongup welcomes him in telling Daehyun to look who’s here. Daehyun’s arms drop into his lap, parting his lips to say something, though nothing comes out. Jiho takes a couple of steps past the door and lifts a hand with a nervous smile. “Hey, it’s been a while.”

Daehyun resumes folding the laundry, dragging the process out. “Yeah,” he drawls. Jongup can feel the tension rising and offers Jiho a drink. He declines, says he’s here to just drop something off and hands a bag to Jongup. He mouths the word cheesecake and looks back to Daehyun who’s been folding that same shirt for the last minute. Jiho claps his hands together awkwardly and begins to say something, but stops himself, knowing it’ll be in vain. 

“Everyone’s glad that you’re back,” he settles on this and pauses. He looks at Jongup who gives an encouraging nod and continues, “If you’d like, I wanted to go to the fair tonight. Just a few friends. We won’t stay there long.”

Daehyun is still working on that same shirt, folding and refolding until it’s just right, but wait that half is wider than this half and darn it. 

Jongup gives Jiho’s shoulder a pat and scrunches his face into a look that says it’s okay, and thanks him for the gift. Jiho nods in gratitude and takes a parting glance at Daehyun’s back before he’s out the door. 

“It’s clothes, not origami,” Jongup jokes to lift the air. Daehyun rolls his eyes, finally moving onto the next article of clothing. 

“He brought cheeeeeesecake,” Jongup says, setting the bag onto the island and that’s all it takes to pull Daehyun from his chores. 

He scuffles a chunk down. “Why did he even come?” Daehyun questions with a full mouth. 

“Don’t be like that, Dae. He’s your friend. He misses you. A lot of people do.”

“He wasn’t my friend when he shot me down like it was nothing. He wasn’t my friend when I needed him to be there. He wasn’t my friend when-” He’s cut short.

“Dae, you’re being selfish,” Jongup states a little too sternly for Daehyun’s pouty mood. 

“How am I being selfish?” he barks back defensively.

“You’re seeing things from your side only. That’s not fair. He was there for you time and time again, even when you weren’t there to see it. And you’re the one who shot him down first on multiple occasions. Even if he didn’t ask you out or anything, you knew how he felt about you and you paraded around him, dragging him along, keeping him close enough, but never giving in,” Jongup retorts harshly, finding it necessary. He turns the burner off, scrapes the burnt food onto a plate and clanks it onto the island. 

“How do you know that?” Daehyun asks feebly, guilt starting to work its way in.

“Because I could see it. And Jiho talked to me. It hurt him, yeah, but I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to end your friendship no matter how unfair it was to him because it was the only thing helping you.” Jongup pauses, rubs his face with frustration. “That sounds so terrible, but it’s the truth. We both love you Dae, as much as a friend can love another and I don’t know why you can’t see that, why you refuse to see it. Do you like playing the victim? I’ve sacrificed so much for you. So has he. It’s about time you stop feeling sorry for yourself!” 

At last, the years have unleashed. 

Quiet settles between them. Jongup waits a moment for a reaction, a response, anything and shakes his head in disappointment when nothing comes. He grabs a jacket and rushes out the door, slamming it behind him. Daehyun flinches with the sound and slouches in his seat as tears begin welling up. He tries to fight them, but they’re too powerful, falling generously from his cheeks.

Everything pools together into a mess, finding relief in the form of tears. Hasn’t he been through enough? And now even his best friend is angry with him? He pulls his wallet from his pocket and opens it, reaching for a blade tucked into a fold. He lifts his sleeve, breathing heavily as he stares through blurred eyes at the vulnerable area that is his wrist. 

No, you’ve come too far, he says to himself. A new start, remember?

He closes his eyes, tucks the blade away and takes a deep breath. 

A new start.

\- - -

Jongup is quite a ways from home before he stops walking, reminding himself of his talk with Yongguk. Daehyun needs me, he thinks, not hesitating in turning around and rushes to get back.

Daehyun is exactly where he left him, folding the rest of the laundry and Jongup blinks a few times to be sure. Daehyun looks up at him standing in the doorway and smiles before turning back to the pair of shorts he’s handling. It’s as if nothing happened and Jongup isn’t sure if he should be relieved or concerned.

“I, uh, I’m sorry about blowing up on you earlier,” Jongup says quietly. He closes the door and takes a seat next the other, picking a shirt up slowly and begins to fold. 

“It’s okay,” is all Daehyun says and it seems to be sincere.

Jongup relaxes a little in place, slouching a bit and Daehyun steals a glance at him.

“It’s okay, really. I’m not going to lose it just because we had an argument. I’m just not used to arguing with you. We never argue.” Daehyun tries his best to continue folding, but the longer it takes Jongup to respond, the harder it’s becoming to remain nonchalant. 

“I know,” Jongup finally says and he can hear Daehyun let out a sigh. He waits a moment, the pair of them folding in silence, bites his bottom lip and decides to dive in.

“You scared me. To death,” Jongup says as boldly as he can, then swallows. “And I’m not trying to be funny. I mean you really scared the shit out of me and I can’t forgive you for that.” His voice shakes a little, gaze not leaving the article of clothing between his fingers, not even when Daehyun places a hand on his wrist.  

“Jongup,” the elder whispers, grip tightening.

He sees Jongup’s jaw constrict with the passing seconds. His nose is turning pink, tears now visible are fighting to remain put and as Jongup parts his lips to speak, the edges begin to tremble and the first tear glides down his cheek. Reluctant, he turns away, hastily wiping at his chin. Daehyun is in shock, never having seen his best friend cry before and it takes a second for him to wrap his head around the situation. His friend is crying. He made his friend cry.

“Jongup-ah,” Daehyun’s voice cracks. “Jongup-ah,” he tries again, tugging at the other’s wrist. “Jongup-ah.” He’s getting louder because he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do. Daehyun pulls him into his chest hard and at first Jongup resists, tries to break free, but eventually gives in because the tears have developed into an ugly cry and it feels so good.

“I’m sorry,” Daehyun offers, cradling the other’s head against his. “I’m sorry for giving up. I’m not strong like you. You kept it together for the both of us for so long and I never said thank you, not even once.” He feels Jongup fall deeper into his arms.

“I just want you to know that I know what you’ve done for me and that I cannot ever repay you. I want you to know how grateful I am to have you and that I’m so sorry for putting you through that.” Tears begin welling up in Daehyun’s eyes and he looks to the ceiling to keep them from falling. 

Jongup is letting all the years of pent up stress, anxiety and bullshit out. He abhors crying in front of people, but this feels so nice. It’s been so long since he was able to let it out. There’s a catastrophic weight that’s been dragging him down and at last it’s been lifted. He can’t remember the last time he cried so hard that his breath hitched and at this point he doesn’t care. Daehyun is stroking his hair and cooing into his ear, but Jongup has stopped listening because he’s finally free from all of the burdens the world has thrown at him. 

\- - - 

The sun is casting an orange tinge across the sky and Jiho lets out a sigh. He’s at the fair with a few friends and everyone is having a good time, smiling, chatting, riding, and when they engage in conversation with him, he responds as lively as he can and it’s enough to keep them from seeing behind his facade. 

Although it seems as though the universe doesn’t want him to be happy, he’s come to terms with it and no, he is not feeling sorry for himself. What bothers him is that he doesn’t know what to do because there’s nothing he can do without someone getting hurt. Daehyun is his biggest mystery. We’re back to square one, he thinks, back to Daehyun hating me. I shouldn’t have pushed him away, it was my fault that he tried to-

“Hey!” Myungsoo calls out to Jiho, pulling him from his thoughts. Jiho jogs over with a feigned grin that none of them notice and Myungsoo swings an arm around his shoulder. 

“Look who’s here,” he says gesturing at two people walking toward them. Jiho almost doesn’t believe it. 

“Dae. Jongup. Hi,” is all he gets out. Jongup gives Daehyun a nudge and the elder offers a half smile and a lift of his chin as a means of greeting and the group is off into the night. 

The fair is a pretty sight. Lights glow against the darkening sky, games chime in the background, couples huddle close through the crowd. It’s not too busy for a Saturday night and all Jiho is focused on is how to strike up a conversation with Daehyun. He’s still shocked that he’s even out right now, but that’s beside the point. Jongup is here and it comforts Jiho a little to know that if all else fails, there’s someone who can save him. 

Jiho isn’t really participating in anything, more like dragging behind the group aloof until he ends up wandering too far and it’s Daehyun that notices his absence. 

“Where’s Jiho?” Daehyun asks Jongup who takes a look around and shrugs. “I don’t know, I thought he was behind us.”

“Well maybe we should find him,” Daehyun says trying not to sound worried. “He didn’t seem like himself.”

“What do you mean?” Jongup asks. 

“What do you mean what do I mean? He wasn’t playing any games or going on any rides. He’s just following us around. He’s not even talking to anyone.” Daehyun responds a little agitatedly.

“You were watching him?” Jongup says, confused. He hadn’t noticed anything off about Jiho, though he feels a tad guilty for not realizing he’s disappeared. “You know what, let’s split up. I’ll go around this way and you go around that side and we’ll meet by the ferris wheel. If I don’t find either of you, I’ll call. Okay?”

Daehyun nods and starts heading into the heaviest part of the fair. Why do people block the way like freaking idiots, he thinks, but catches himself. He doesn’t want to go back to being who he was pre-rehab. He manages his way through until he reaches a break in the crowd and begins to worry when he realizes that he’s almost done making his way around his half of the fair without any sign of Jiho. He’s about to give up when someone approaches from behind.

“Looking for something?”

Daehyun twists and a smile immediately finds its way across his face. “Where have you been?”

Jiho looks around. “Got lost I guess.”

“I tried calling you. You could’ve called us.”

Jiho shrugs. “Guess I didn’t mind being lost.”

Quiet follows and even in the midst of a fair, Daehyun can feel it. He just stares for a moment at the elder whose focus is off to the side. He looks sad, Daehyun thinks.

“Do you want to ride the ferris wheel?”

Jiho returns his attention to the younger and his face softens a little with a smile Daehyun knows is obligatory. His brows lift just the slightest and he nods. They walk side by side, neither speaking until they’re in line.

“I’ve never ridden one before, have you?” Daehyun tries to lighten the tension and Jiho appreciates the gesture, grinning with a shake of his head. Daehyun forms an O with his mouth, plants both hands into the pockets of his jacket and looks up at the massive metal structure that they’re about to get on. 

Jongup has made his way over to the ferris wheel and pulls his phone from his pocket to call Daehyun when he sees them standing in line. He smiles with relief and decides to let them settle things alone. 

The pair are finally in their car and when the ride starts moving, Daehyun jumps a little, unintentionally reaching for Jiho’s hand. It makes Jiho respond with a tiny jump, but he smiles when he realizes Daehyun has his hand in a death grip. He’s squeezing so hard that both their knuckles are turning white. Daehyun is looking up at the sky with lips pursed together. Jiho takes his free hand and clasps it gently over Daehyun’s. The younger doesn’t look, instead closes his eyes tight.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m scared of heights,” Daehyun speaks so fast Jiho barely catches it. The elder lets out a small chuckle. “Then why did you suggest we ride this?”

“I don’t know. It was the first thing I could think of. And you were sad and it was quiet and awkward.”

Jiho gives Daehyun’s hand a pat. “Open your eyes. It’s okay.”

Daehyun avidly shakes his head. “I’m fine like this.” His entire body is tense and Jiho is pretty sure that he’s lost all circulation in his left hand, but he doesn’t mind.

“Open your eyes and relax. I promise you’ll be fine,” Jiho’s tone is comforting and it’s enough to make Daehyun trust him. Slowly, he peels his eyes open, but he doesn’t let go of Jiho’s hand. He lets out a breath as calmly as he can manage and looks around. They’re nearing the ground again and it’s actually quite beautiful. 

“Isn’t it nice?” Jiho asks, hoping the younger will let up on his numbing hand, but he doesn't. Daehyun is still in awe of the view, only adjusting his gaze when he feels Jiho pull away slightly. 

“Oh sorry. I didn’t even know I was squeezing your hand,” Daehyun apologizes sheepishly. Jiho dismisses it with a smile and pats the other’s thigh. Their car begins its ascent and again Daehyun reaches for Jiho’s hand. This time though, the elder lets their fingers interlock and strokes a reassuring thumb across the side of Daehyun’s hand. It appeases the younger and he relaxes into the chair taking a look out at the fair.

At last, the terrifying ferris wheel comes to a stop and car after car gets released until it’s their turn. Daehyun gets off with legs a little shaky so Jiho helps him off the platform and onto the ground where its safe. Jongup is watching and can’t help but smile because things are finally looking up. 

\- - - 

"We went to the fair last night. I invited Dae and he showed up. With Jongup of course, but he showed," Jiho states, content with himself.

Yongguk's brows lift in surprise and he smiles because Daehyun is doing so well, but a small part of him wishes that he was invited too. He supposes that Jiho picks up on it because he's apologizing for not inviting the elder who shrugs it off with a sheepish grin. 

"That's good," Yongguk says, looking down at his mug. He taps a finger lightly against the tabletop. "Remember the last time we came here...I asked you to do something for me."

Jiho thinks back and nods, vaguely recalling. "Yes. Wait, no, not really. Sorry. What did you ask me to do?"

"I don't think I got a chance to, I kind of just left."

Jiho stares intently waiting for Yongguk to finish his thought. A good minute passes and the elder hasn't lifted his gaze or attempted to open his mouth so Jiho reaches across the table to pat the elder's hand. "What were you gonna say?"

"Oh," Yongguk starts, finally looking up at his friend. His friend, Yongguk finds it funny and smiles to himself thinking of how far they've come. 

"What are you smiling at?"

Yongguk shakes his head trying to hide his grin, "Nothing." He clears his throat, face becoming stern. "I wanted to ask you to take care of Daehyun for me."

Jiho kind of just stares, not sure what exactly that means because hasn't he been taking care of him all this time? Yongguk catches the odd look and takes a deep breath in. 

"Date him," he says flatly. Jiho almost spits his drink out, swallowing hard. "What?"

"Date him," he says again, nicer this time.

Jiho starts to smile, but his lips pull down when he realizes that Yongguk isn't joking. "And why would I do that?"

"Because you're a good guy. I know you'll take good care of him."

"No offense, but we haven't been friends for that long. How do you know I'm a good guy? You hated me, remember?"

Yongguk snickers at that last part. Oh, I remember, he thinks. "Because it takes a special kind of person to love Daehyun when he was an overbearing ass."

Jiho feels his cheeks warm a little. "I don't think that I can do that, hyung," he responds in all seriousness. 

Hyung. Yongguk recalls the first time Jiho called him that it caught him off guard, but quickly grew on him. "What do you mean? You don't have feelings for him anymore?"

Jiho shakes his head. "I don't know. I spent a long time trying to get over him. I pushed him away, I avoided him, I didn't talk to him. And that's when he was trying to hold onto me. And I never understood why. Why all of a sudden would he try to be with me? Because I didn't want him anymore? I was finally ready to let him go and he does that to me? Then the next thing I'm being called to the hospital by Jongup." It pains them both to bring that night up and they sit in silence for a moment.

"Oh," Yongguk breaks the quiet. "Sorry. I didn't realize."

Jiho waves a hand in dismissal. "I felt used. Then it hit me that I  _was_  being used. And at first I was okay with it, but then it got harder because I wanted something more than what he was willing to give me and I understood. But then he just changed his mind. Like he was so desperate to not lose a friend that he was willing to compromise his own feelings. How crazy is that?" Jiho looks at Yongguk as if genuinely asking, but doesn't wait for a response because he doesn't want to hear it. "I guess it's not that crazy. He didn't really have friends. I basically told him that I couldn't be his chew toy anymore and he told me to give him a chance. What the hell was I supposed to do?"

"Only Daehyun knows what he felt. I don't know if he really meant it when he said he wanted to be with you, but I know he needs you. Maybe he was misinterpreting. Maybe he was realizing that he did actually like you. You won't know unless you give it a shot, right?"

Jiho fiddles with his fingers. Yongguk sighs. "Look, I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. I know how hard it was for you to walk away. But if you're still willing to give him a shot then maybe he is too. I mean he showed up to the fair. That's saying something."

"Hyung, why are you asking  _me_  to date him? Why don't  _you_  date him?" Jiho asks, not quite understanding.

"You think Daehyun wants to date me?" Yongguk scoffs. "He can't even look at me and I've accepted that. I'm the reason that he turned into a monster. I take full responsibility for everything and I know that I don't deserve another chance with him, but I came back and tried anyway and look where we ended up."

"He still loves you."

Yongguk's ears perk with that statement, but he keeps his eyes low. "What?" 

"Remember his birthday night? He showed up. To everything that you planned. I guess he was too late, but he went. Remember the note from the tree that I had no right in taking? How do you think I got it? We found him there. He went to the damn field. He was a fucking mess because you weren't there."

Yongguk thinks back to that night and shakes his head. "No, I waited. I waited so fucking long my legs went numb. I waited and waited and he never showed."

"He showed, hyung."

Yongguk sits in disbelief not realizing it the first time Jiho pulled the note out and how he overreacted with why he was in possession of something so personal. Fuck. 

"New plan. Operation 'Yongguk asks Daehyun on a date' shall commence," Jiho says, tapping his fingers together like some sort of villain and Yongguk doesn't like the way he's looking at him. 

\- - -

"Just sit there, okay, hyung?" Jiho coerces Yongguk into a plan the elder knows will go south, but he amuses the younger anyway and sits on a bench in the middle of the mall, rolling his eyes. 

           **JH** : Are you guys here yet?

           **JU** : Yeah, just parked. Where are we supposed to "meet" again?

           **JH** : By the fountain

           **JU** : Copy that

Yongguk is shaking his right leg impatiently, looking around nervous. He swallows hard. Why am I doing this? If I get rejected in public I'm gonna punch Jiho so fricking hard. Jiho gives Yongguk's shoulder a slap and runs to hide behind a kiosk, yelling as inconspicuously as he can, "They're here!" and points in the direction behind Yongguk. He turns to see Jongup walking with Daehyun and he looks away, eyes wide. What do I fucking say? Shit, shit, shit. He hears them talking, getting closer and panic starts to set in. Stand up, stupid. 

He jumps up, hoping he didn't look as ridiculous as he thinks and casually walks to his left, bumping into Jongup. He pretends to be surprised and apologizes for not watching where he's going. Yongguk is staring at Jongup, desparation oozing from his eyes as his brows begin melding together in an upward motion. He's frozen, trying to peel his gaze away to look at Daehyun, but he can't. His mouth opens to say something and it's Jongup who finally catches the hint and speaks. "Funny running into you here, hyung. Right, Dae?" Jongup nudges Daehyun's side and he nods with a cocked brow. "Reeeally funny," Daehyun adds. Yongguk's cheeks flush a tinge of pink and he looks down to hide it.

"What are you guys doing here?" is all he can think to say. 

"What else do people do when they come to a mall?" Daehyun sneers, not meaning to sound as harsh as it came out. Jongup gives him a look and he shrugs not thinking he did anything wrong.

Yongguk attempts a smile, finally able to glance at Daehyun who's staring at him as blankly as one can and it kind of puts Yongguk at ease because at least he's not glaring. 

"We were just about to eat, did you want to join us?" Jongup grins to himself pleased with how smooth his transition is. 

"Sure."

\---

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Jongup gets up, taking his food with him to trash along the way. He leaves the pair to awkwardly fend for themselves, giggling silently the farther he gets. 

Yongguk is in deep thought, nervously tapping his foot and steals a glance at the younger. Daehyun is back to brown and it suits him so well. The younger catches Yongguk staring and blatantly asks, "What?"

Yongguk shifts his gaze elsewhere, "Nothing."

A few minutes pass and Daehyun looks around the food court. "Is he taking a shit?"

Yongguk chuckles and the younger looks at him a little surprised, but lets out his own laugh. Their eyes meet, smiles dropping and the elder clears his throat. Just talk, he tells himself.

"Hey, there's a restaurant that opened near my apartment that I wanted to try. It's Italian, your favorite. Did you want to come with me?"

Daehyun takes a second to realize that he's talking to him even though there's no one else on their table. What's up with the casual talk?

"Just the two of us?"

Yongguk nods hesitantly. He tries to read Daehyun's expression. 

"Wouldn't that be, I don't know, awkward?"

Yongguk sees that Daehyun is trying and appreciates it. 

"It doesn't have to be. I just thought that maybe we could try to be friends," Yongguk says earnestly. Daehyun sits with a blank look on his face, contemplating. He's fighting the urge to say no, to run away like he's been doing, but the therapists words repeat in his head that he needs to 'move forward' and settles with, "Okay."

Yongguk is ready to give another reason why they should be friends when it hits him that Daehyun said yes. He fucking said  _yes_. "Cool," he gets out as nonchalantly as he can. 

"You're paying, right?" Daehyun more tells than asks, vague smile showing and he finds it in him to add, "Hyung."

Yongguk's heartbeat fastens a little with that last part and he can't really believe that this conversation is happening until Daehyun leans forward to confirm. "Y-yeah."

Jongup is watching from a far corner in the food court with Jiho. They're giggling at each slight smile the other gives and Jiho slaps Jongup in glee. "I told you this would work."

\- - -

Yongguk holds the door open for Daehyun, taking a quick peek at his butt as he passes in front and smiles. He misses that little bum.  

They're seated immediately because Yongguk called for a reservation last week trying to make sure everything runs smoothly for this non-date date. He holds the seat out for the younger who sits, giving the elder a quizzical look. "This isn't a date, right?"

Yongguk can't help but laugh because of how cute it came out, but Daehyun looks genuinely concerned and Yongguk shakes his head, still smiling. Daehyun relaxes into his chair and the waiter approaches with two glasses of water, the younger taking a long sip. 

The night goes on smoother than Yongguk expected and it's relatively easy to make conversation. They're beginning to talk like actual friends do, both at ease in the other's company. Yongguk almost forgets about everything else. 

\- - -

It's been a few months and their friendship is comfortable and nice. Neither finds it awkward anymore to be alone together, finding that syncopation they once shared and although it isn't the same, it somehow is. 

"Hyung, that's not fair," Daehyun pouts. Yongguk points at the t.v. "I won fair and square!"

"He cheated, didn't he, Jongup-ah?" Daehyun tries to get the other to side with him. Jongup lifts his hands beside his head. "Don't get me involved in this. But to be honest, you suck at video games, Dae," he says before heading up to his bedroom. 

Yongguk ruffles Daehyun's hair only to get swatted away by a salty hand. Daehyun tosses the game controller onto the table and leans back into the couch. 

"Sore loser," Yongguk mumbles under his breath and Daehyun playfully slaps at his shoulder. "I heard that."

"Good," the elder says, grinning. Daehyun attempts to slap him again, but Yongguk catches his hand this time and pulls him closer. Daehyun realizes too late what the other is about to do, crying out, "Don't!" Yongguk is attacking his sides and the younger is helpless, squirming to get out of his grasp. "Stop," he manages between laughs. Fingers find a particularly ticklish spot and Daehyun jerks too dramatically and they both fall to the ground. 

"Ow," Daehyun says, holding the back of his head and laughs. 

"Sorry," the elder apologizes, leaning down to rub the other's head gently. Their faces are oddly close and it's Daehyun who notices first, breath caught in his throat. He stares into Yongguk's eyes when the elder moves them from his head to stare back. Yongguk's gaze drifts down to Daehyun's lips and for a second he considers it, subconsciously leaning in, but stops. Quickly, he stands and reaches a hand out to the other. 

\- - -

"The worst that can happen is he says no," Yongguk tells himself as he stands nervously outside of Jongup's house. He lets out a breath slow. He makes his way down the path of the front yard and stops at the front door, bouquet in his left hand is being tucked behind his back and he lifts his right to knock. He hears Jongup yell at Daehyun to answer the door. How fortunate. 

The door swings open and Daehyun doesn't even try to suppress a laugh at the sight of Yongguk in a tux holding out a bouquet of flowers with his mouth pulled into an awkwardly wide smile. Yongguk's countenance drops and he stomps a foot. "Why are you laughing?"

"What are you doing, hyung?" 

"I'm asking you out," Yongguk says, admittedly a little hurt at Daehyun's reaction.

Daehyun isn't sure if he's fucking with him or not, forming an o with his mouth after realizing that it's not a joke. He takes the flowers. Yongguk is waiting, expression taking on a worried guise the longer they stand in silence. 

"Oh hey, hyung," Jongup says as he makes his way down the stairs. He takes in the scene in front of him and stops at the bottom, swiftly turning to go back up. "Sorry!"

Daehyun is grateful for the interruption because he still doesn't know what to say, but when Jongup is back upstairs, he's left to face Yongguk again. Yongguk can see the uneasiness in the younger's face and nods. "You don't have to answer me now. Whenever you're ready, okay? No pressure. If you say no, it's not going to change anything." And with that, Yongguk is gone. Daehyun closes the door, remains on the other side staring at the bouquet in his hand. 

\- - -

It's been a week since Yongguk asked and Daehyun still doesn't know what he wants. He's inquired with Jongup and Jiho and neither were of much help, telling him that it's his decision to make. Well shit. 

They're at the bowling alley again. Yongguk is on the opposite team and Daehyun finds himself watching the elder as he plays, talks, laughs, goes to the snack counter returning with fries that he shares with his teammates. He watches as some pretty boy cozies up next to his hyung, wiping grease off the corner of his mouth and the elder cooing at him like some puppy just as they've been doing all night and he can feel a bout of jealousy finding its way upward until it spills out of his mouth. "Knock it off!" Daehyun's eyes are wide with shame, quickly turning his attention to the lanes. Please don't look at me. Please don't say anything. And thankfully no one does. 

An hour later and they're all in the parking lot saying their goodbyes. There's only four of them left and pretty boy is tugging at Yongguk's sleeve, begging him to give him a ride home. Yongguk shakes his head, giving excuse after excuse until Jongup pulls the brat away offering to take him home. It takes a little more prying, but the pretty boy eventually agrees and they're off. Yongguk gives Daehyun a nod goodbye and heads over to his car. He gets in, clicks the key into the ignition and starts the car up when a fervent knock sounds at the passenger's side. He's surprised to see Daehyun pulling at the door handle and unlocks it for him to get in.

"I thought you came with Jongup," Yongguk says, not sure why Daehyun is here.

The younger is silent, just fumes in the passenger's seat with eyes fixated on the dashboard, arms crossed. Yongguk sees Jongup drive off and shrugs. "I guess I'm taking you home then. No problemo." He puts the car into reverse, pulling out of the stall and shifts into drive. 

It's not until they're on the freeway that Daehyun straightens up, clicking his seatbelt into place. 

"Yes," Daehyun says blandly looking out the window. 

"Yes, what?" Yongguk asks, honestly confused.

He hears Daehyun mumbling something about how embarrassing and why bother until he says a little louder, "Yes, I'll go out with you." The sentence trails off, but Yongguk hears him loud and clear and automatically smiles. He steals a quick glance at Daehyun who refuses to look at him and reaches his hand to rest on the back of Daehyun's neck, making small strokes. His hand moves down to the younger's, locking their fingers together, smile getting wider and he can see Daehyun begin to smile in the side mirror. 

"Yes," Yongguk whispers in triumph.

They pull up in front of Jongup's house and Yongguk puts the car into park, turning it off. He turns to Daehyun who still has his gaze focused outside and smiles at his sudden timidity. It reminds him of when they first started dating. 

"Honey," Yongguk's voice is soft. Daehyun tucks his face into his arm situated against the window. "Honey," Yongguk says again in a singsong voice and Daehyun coyly turns only to face him halfway. "Thank you."

Daehyun opens the door of the car and makes his escape. Yongguk is fast to follow, getting out of his side and is about to round the car when Daehyun stops him saying he doesn't kiss on the first date, but he had a good time. Yongguk sets his arms to rest against the roof of his car as Daehyun makes his way down the path of the front yard and without turning yells, "And no more talking to pretty boy!"

Yongguk chuckles, getting back in.

\- - -

Five months pass. It's like they've picked up where they've left off and everything is the way it should be. 

Yongguk is staring at the wall straight ahead. It's off-white, nothing exciting, but its all he can bring himself to look at because the doctor has just got done telling him that the tumor is back. The tumor he's been hiding for the last few years. The tumor that started this all. 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Bang. But the cancer is back and it's metastasized to your liver. We can begin treatment next Monday. It's going to be a more aggressive chemo than the one you're used to. We can discuss this..." the doctor is still talking, but Yongguk isn't hearing a word. He's thinking about Daehyun. About why he left him in the first place. About why he didn't stop himself from asking him out again. 

"I don't want any treatment," he says flat out and it takes the doctor by surprise.

"But Mr. Bang, if you don't go through with the chemo therapy-"

"I'll die," Yongguk says calmly, still focusing on the dull wall. "I'm going to die anyway. I'm already on all kinds of pain meds. I don't want to go through anymore. I just want to be happy."

The doctor wants to push further, but respects Yongguk's wishes. He's grown fond of Yongguk and to see him give up so easily is just a little shocking and disappointing, but he understands.

\- - -

Til the end of the year. That's all Yongguk's got left. Six months. 

He finds it hard to look Daehyun in the eye when he comes home that night. 

"Hey, where'd you go?" Daehyun asks, giving his boyfriend a hug. Yongguk holds onto the younger tight, refusing to let go. Daehyun giggles at the elder's unusual clinginess and pulls away. "Are you okay?"

Yongguk nods. "Just hungry."

Daehyun skips over to the kitchen. "Well then its a good thing I made your favorite."

But Yongguk's not hungry.

\- - -

With every day that passes, Yongguk gets a little sicker and he struggles to smile when Daehyun does, to answer when Daehyun talks, to not want to cry any time he holds Daehyun. He thinks back to when he first found out he was sick. He thought about telling Daehyun, maybe it would've been easier for them both. Maybe he could've salvaged both their feelings. Maybe they could've gotten through this together. But then he remembers the nights when he was a little too sick to do anything. The pain. The anger. Taking it out on Daehyun because he was fed up with life. He thinks about why he started drifting and maybe it wasn't the best idea, but what other choice did he have? He didn't want Daehyun to go through that. He thought it would be easier for Daehyun to just leave him, but he didn't. Daehyun stayed through all of the bullshit and Yongguk still doesn't know why. He doesn't think he deserved all the mercy and patience Daehyun gave him. He was such an ass to him, tried to be as distant as he could to get Daehyun to break up with him because Yongguk couldn't bring himself to do it. And that's when he ended up drinking his life away and ending up in a mess filled with Himchan and regrets. 

Daehyun is passed out on the couch. Yongguk finds himself staring, hand slowly grazing the skin on his cheek and it hurts. 

I have to break up with you.

\- - -

"Jiho, I need you to do something for me," Yongguk says and Jiho rolls his eyes having heard this before.

"You better not be asking me to date Daehyun again because in case you haven't noticed, you're already dating." Jiho smiles jokingly, but notices Yongguk's serious. 

"I have to break up with him."

"What?" Jiho feels anger pooling in his stomach.

"If I tell you a secret, you can't tell anyone. Especially Daehyun."

Jiho's jaw cocks to the side because he has an eery feeling that Yongguk is about to confess to cheating again. 

"I'm sick," Yongguk says softly. He sees the look on Jiho's face and nods. "Like cancer sick. I was stupid. I shouldn't have gotten Daehyun involved in all of this. He was fine and then I go and fuck it up by asking him out again."

Jiho doesn't know what to say, it takes a moment for him to soak in the information. He shoots Yongguk a pitiful look and the elder rolls his eyes. "Please don't look at me like that. This is why I tried to break up with him the first time and I screwed up the shit out of that. I couldn't do it so I drank and fucked up and it got Daehyun to leave me, but this is not how things are supposed to go." He pauses. "How do I do this? I couldn't do it the first time and I can't break his heart again. I can't."

Jiho's lips part as if to speak, "Well he's definitely not going to leave you. I think you just need to be honest with him, hyung. He deserves to know the truth."

Yongguk closes his eyes knowing that Jiho is right.

However, Yongguk decides to not tell Daehyun. It's better this way, he thinks.

\- - -

The next few months are spent in blissful ignorance. Occasionally, Jiho will give the elder a look that says, 'did you tell him yet?' and it almost guilts him enough to do so, but then he sees how happy Daehyun is and he can't.

"Take care of him when I'm gone, Jiho," Yongguk says as if it's nothing.

The younger puts his burger down to stare. "Hyung."

"There's not much time left."

"Hyung don't talk like that."

Yongguk gives the other a smile as bright as he can. "Sorry, just saying. It's not like you don't already know. It's almost November."

Jiho can't bring himself to look the other in the eye. They've become close, almost as close as Yongguk is to Junhong who only recently found out about the cancer too and was a little upset about only finding out then, but ended up crying because his hyung is fucking sick. When Jongup found out, there was an unspoken understanding and of course, more tears. Yongguk apologized to him because he knows how much Jongup hates crying in front of people, but Jongup wasn't concerned about that. He pulled the elder in for a hug. They've never hugged before and it hits Yongguk just how real this all is.

\- - -

"Dae, I have to talk to you," Yongguk's tone is serious and Daehyun puts his phone down.

Yongguk opens his mouth then closes it, wets his chapped lips and opens it again. 

"Oh, god don't tell me you cheated again. I swear to god I will kill you," Daehyun threatens half joking and when Yongguk doesn't answer, Daehyun feels a knot fall into the pit of his stomach. 

"What did you do?" Daehyun asks, part of him hoping the other doesn't answer. 

Yongguk's jaw clenches as he tries to muster up the courage to speak. Just say it. The longer Daehyun waits, the more he can feel the knot travel up into his throat and he's praying that he won't cry because he doesn't want to cry in front of this asshole again.

"I'm breaking up with you," Yongguk chokes on his words, but they're clear enough. 

Daehyun almost wants to laugh because what the fuck, but then it sinks in that Yongguk is serious. The elder has on a pitifully apologetic face and Daehyun shakes his head, mouth open as if to say something, but he can't. He just gets up, shoves Yongguk out of the way hard and leaves.

Daehyun's so mad that he can't even cry. He's so shocked that he can't even cry. What the hell just happened?

Yongguk is left standing in his living room alone and sinks into the couch. He's numb. What the fuck did he just do?

\- - -

It's the last week of November and Yongguk can feel himself weaken. His weight loss doesn't go unnoticed and Junhong presses his concerns in the form of cooking all things greasy, bad, and fattening in an attempt to get the other to eat, but he isn't hungry. 

"Please eat something. You barely eat," Junhong pleads and Yongguk just smiles, saying he's already eaten. Junhong knows it's a lie, but doesn't press further because his friend is tired. He's always so tired.

\- - -

Daehyun feels particularly uneasy this morning and he isn't quite sure why.

The first week of December is over. Yongguk is shrinking into nothing and Junhong feels so helpless. He pushes him to go to the doctor and all Yongguk can say is that he already has, which isn't a lie. 

"You're sick. You don't eat. Look at you!" Junhong is begging at this point. "Please." It kills Yongguk to hear the desparation in the younger's voice as it cracks in broken pleas.

Yongguk motions for the other to come closer and Junhong trudges over reluctantly, tears beginning to fall and he wants to pull away when Yongguk grabs his hand, but he doesn't. "It's okay, Junhongie. I'm okay."

"You're not!" Junhong screams because he's frustrated and done trying to get him to go to the hospital.

It's not fine. Yongguk is not okay.

Yongguk tries to sit, struggling more than usual and pulls Junhong into his chest, running a comforting hand through his hair. Junhong hears Yongguk's breaths getting shorter and he pushes him back into the couch, gets up and walks away. Yongguk can only watch, guilt drowning him, but the pain is making it easy to forget. He hears Junhong talking to someone in the distance, though he's just far enough that he can't hear. 

The next thing Yongguk wakes up to Jiho lifting him from the couch, he rubs at his eyes and looks at the clock. It's 3:02 in the morning. 

"What's going on?"

Jiho shushes his hyung, laying him in the car and explains on the ride there that Junhong had called him crying, that he begged him to take Yongguk to the hospital and that he told Daehyun to come too. That last part has Yongguk lifting himself from the backseat, clutching at his swollen abdomen. 

"You did what?" His words are slow and heavy. 

"Hyung, Daehyun already knew that something was wrong especially when you just up and left him. So I explained everything. Jongup and Junhong are with Daehyun right now. He's...not doing well."

Yongguk can't hold himself up any longer and lays back down with a wince. It hurts, but not as much as his chest because Daehyun knows. Fuck. 

\- - -

It's the following night and Daehyun finally shows up. He looks worse for wear having cried the night through. He's angry, Yongguk knows, but he's just so happy to see him.

"I'm sorry, Dae."

Daehyun has to look away to keep from crying. "You're sorry."

"Yes, I'm really sorry. For keeping this from you. For hurting you the first time. For bringing you back into this mess. For hurting you now. All I do is fuck up."

Daehyun can't bring himself to come any closer. They remain in silence for a good five minutes, Daehyun is still standing with arms crossed until he pulls his eyes away from the floor to land on the other. He wants to yell, to hit him, to hurt him, but his lips are quivering and his eyes are blurring and when did he start crying?

Yongguk reaches a hand out, Daehyun shaking his head, wiping at his face hastily, refusing to get closer still. 

"Please don't cry."

It only makes Daehyun cry harder until the words he's been struggling with finally emerge in a strained scream, "Why didn't you tell me?!"

He's blubbering like a child, trying to control his breathing and it doesn't help that Yongguk doesn't answer. "Answer!" Daehyun pleads.

"Because I didn't want to hurt you!" Yongguk has to stop to take a deep breath. 

"You think that worrying me and leaving me wasn't going to hurt me?" Daehyun is still struggling to gather himself. 

"No. I just wanted you to be happy."

"Do I look happy? You should have told me! I could've been there for you!"

Yongguk can't take anymore. "I didn't want you to go through this! This is  _my_  fight! This is  _my_  fight to face, Dae. Not yours. I couldn't do that to you." And the tears finally start their descent down Yongguk's cheeks. Daehyun isn't able to stand any longer and sits next to Yongguk, the elder taking his hand into his own. 

"I couldn't do that to you, Dae."

Daehyun collects himself enough to look Yongguk in the eye, the elder lifting his free hand to wipe away a rogue tear. 

"I'm sorry for everything. I love you. I've always loved you. I'm sorry," Yongguk says tender.

It hurts to hear, more than Daehyun would like to admit. Maybe even a little more than hearing Yongguk break up with him a second time because all this time they could have been. 

\- - -

It's nearing the end of the second week of December and Yongguk hasn't been eating. He's not hungry, but he tries. When Daehyun brings a carrot stick to his mouth, because that's all Yongguk seems to want, he snaps a piece off with his teeth and it takes a lot of effort to get it down. He's horrifiyingly thin, cheeks sunken in, even his eyes are sunken in, but Daehyun tells him he's handsome regardless. 

Daehyun doesn't know why he's crying and he tries to turn away when a hand gently strokes his cheek and he looks back at his love, helpless and dying. Yongguk smiles and Daehyun knows how hard it is to smile, so he makes every effort to smile back and not let everything out.

Yongguk is all cried out. He's got no more tears to shed, no more fight to give.

\- - -

They're halfway through the third week of December when Yongguk is no longer able to speak. His eyes rarely open and his breaths are getting shorter and shorter. The nurse informs Daehyun that this might be it so he calls everyone he can think of.

It's not long before the room is filled with people; they're talking of better times, some crying, some just staring and Daehyun can't hear anything because the love of his life is about to leave him for good. It's almost numbing to be here. To witness this. People are taking turns sitting beside the hospital bed, saying their goodbyes to Yongguk and they take comfort in believing that he can hear them. His breaths are short and fast, mouth agape. 

Daehyun thinks back to the first time they met. He'd never known anyone so warm. Yongguk hadn't said more than a few words and yet he had Daehyun. 

Someone calls a nurse into the room because they're not sure if Yongguk is still breathing and Daehyun feels everything stop. It's only the two of them in the room now. Daehyun knows Yongguk is still here. He can feel him breathe from where he's standing. He's drawn closer without realizing and latches onto the hand of the man he loves. He leans in close, places a single kiss upon Yongguk's forehead and whispers so only Yongguk can hear, "You can go. You don't have to hurt anymore." And when he straightens up, Daehyun watches Yongguk take one last breath. His chest doesn't rise again and the doctor is called into the room to announce the time of death: 3:02 in the morning. 

Everyone is crying, except Daehyun. He wants to cry. But there are no tears. People are hugging him and telling him they're sorry, but he doesn't hear it. He's immersed in numbness because that's all there is right now. 

It's not until he's home that it hits him like a wrecking ball. He's staring at the room Yongguk had stayed in and the tears start to flow. He feels himself suck sharp breaths in between the bawling and it won't stop. He's managed his way up the stairs, eyes fixed on the bed that remained empty once Yongguk left, and on the cracked heart still sitting on the nightstand. Yongguk is gone. He's never going to walk through those doors again. He's never going say Daehyun's name again. Daehyun's never going to see Yongguk's smile again. Or hear his voice. Or feel him hold him. 

Yongguk's not coming back.

Ever.

\- - -

A year has passed since Yongguk's death and Daehyun still finds himself breaking into tears every now and then. It never stops hurting, but it gets a little easier. 

He's making his way through the cemetery to a stone made of marble. It's beautiful and dark and befitting of Yongguk. Daehyun places flowers in front of the elder's grave, says his goodbyes and before turning to leave, reaches into his pocket and places a tattered piece of paper next to the flowers. 

With fingers pressed to puckered lips, a kiss is transferred unto the smooth stone, tenderly glides along its length. A light breeze commands the paper to take flight, flitting toward the sky in the most delicate light. It's contents flying, reflecting the never ending love it epitomized. And as Daehyun disappears into the distance with steps as heavy as his heart, he can hear the words wisp through the air; words he will never repeat nor forget.

_And every day after that._


End file.
